


The Ties That Bind

by TheSecretAccomplice



Category: Cow Chop, The Creatures (Youtube RPF)
Genre: Cow Chop - Freeform, M/M, The Creatures - Freeform, YouTube, family au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-07-12 05:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 85,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7086955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSecretAccomplice/pseuds/TheSecretAccomplice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jordan Mathewson, a divorced father of three, and Daniel Gidlow, a widower with four sons of his own, meet one another, both feel very strongly towards each other. Yet, when trying to become a family, the relationships between their sons aren't as simple as they once thought. As this effects each child in his own way, it creates a major impact on Jordan and Dan, causing the ties that bind to break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

Chapter 1  
"Jordan, I'm going to have to let you go."  
His heart sank at those words.  
"W-What, sir?" Jordan asked, his world feeling just a bit more crumbled. He sat in front of his boss' desk, the words still ringing in his ears. He thought they would be talking about some sort of pay raise, to help out about his recent divorce. But, instead, he was receiving the cherry on top in his life that was falling apart. He was desperate at this moment, trying to hold everything together, but it was just sliding through his fingers.  
His boss sighed, falling back in his chair at the sight of Jordan so upset. "I hate to do this to you Jordan, but there's nothing I can do." He explained, giving Jordan a look of sympathy. "You're a valued employee, and one of the nicest people I have ever come to know...but with all of these budget cuts, I have no say in the matter." He summed up, pushing back his raven black hair.  
"No, please, Max, there has to be something you can do." Jordan begged, multiple worries arising in his head. "Please, this isn't what I need right now. I have three sons, how am I going to support them?" He questioned, on the brink of tears. His children had already been through so much with the separation, but now having to deal with their only parent losing his job? "Please, Max..."  
Max bit the inside of his cheek, hating to do this to someone like Jordan. Jordan cared so much for his family, trying to raise his sons the best he could no matter the circumstances. Yet, this circumstance was difficult to work around, it would only cause more struggling. "Your last paycheck will arrive tomorrow, you can file for unemployment, see if your qualified." Max suggested, seeing Jordan's heartbreak in his eyes. "Other than that...I can't do much." His voice was low, and filled with remorse.  
"I'm sorry, Jordan."  
Jordan felt as if he had stopped breathing, aiming his head down at the floor beneath. Realization was drowning him, he had just lost his job, he had no income, he had no way to assist his family. What was to come of him? What was to come of his boys? Finding a new job wouldn't be simple, it would take so much time. Time he didn't have. Soon, the bills would pile up. Food would run out. Necessities would become scarce, a luxury if they were somehow obtained.  
This would be the life he'd have to look forward to.  
He bit his tongue as he slowly stood up from his chair, politely pushing it in as more tears threatened to be shown. He kept his head bowed while making his way to the door, preventing himself from breaking down right then and there. "Jordan," He heard Max call him as he turned around one last time, "please...take care of yourself."  
Jordan nodded at that, trying his hardest to show a small smile, but finding it as the hardest thing to do. He opened the door to the office, it being the last time he would ever do that action. He took a breath once gently closing the door, trying to keep his tears maintained as he made his way to the parking garage, to his car. His life was getting worse and worse as much as he didn't want to admit. Things had been going downhill for quite some time, but it wasn't until now that he had hit rock bottom.  
Last month, his marriage ended between himself and his wife, Monica. As much as he didn't want to deal with stress for himself or the kids, he figured a divorce was the only solution. Monica traveled constantly due to her job, spending more time in hotels with her co-workers than at home with her family. She did supply money for the family, but she was barely at the house to attend to her other jobs: a mother and a wife.  
This aggravated Jordan, having to handle the kids alone alongside his occupation. Whenever Monica was home, Jordan would always tell her about it. Unfortunately, it would only lead to fights, their children having no choice, but to listen in. Jordan needed someone that supported the family in all aspects, he couldn't do everything himself. He didn't know that at the time, that he couldn't do everything. He found that out the hard way.  
Through divorce.  
It was heartbreaking to tell his sons that he would be their only parent. Due to Monica's constant traveling, Jordan had won custody of the three. He believed that everything would be alright once the stress had gone, but his action only caused more. He was finding that keeping the family together was even harder, mainly because the kids didn't take too well to the divorce.  
His oldest, Seamus, distanced himself from the family, angered at his father for chasing his mom away. Dexter, his youngest, was listening to what Seamus had been saying, and started to believe it himself. He, too, blamed his father for the divorce, saying he wanted to live with his mom rather than Jordan. Yet, Jordan's other son, Aleks, still cared for him.  
Aleks was adopted by Jordan and Monica not even a year back, he was new to the family, but at the time, it didn't seem like a family. Jordan and Monica constantly bickered, Seamus would simply ignore everyone, and Dex wasn't too fond of another older brother. The only one who really comforted Aleks when he needed someone was Jordan, which Aleks was thankful for. He was glad that he had Jordan as a father, someone so kind and considerate.  
Which was a relief from...before...  
Through all the stress of leaving Monica, and trying to tend for his sons, two of which didn't wish for his care, and one that needed all he could get, Jordan didn't think things could get worse. Yet, he forgot about the budget cuts taking place. He forgot that they were included at his work. He forgot that he had a chance of getting laid off.  
.And he did.  
Because of that, Jordan would always know that things would and do get worse.  
He started his car, the rev of the engine in the background as Jordan gazed at himself in the rear view mirror. His eyes were tired, bags beneath them as he fought the urge to sleep. His eyes were sad, knowing what the future would be and having no way to avoid it. His eyes were bloodshot, tears wanting to make an exit, but his refusal made them stay. His head began to pound due to questions he had, many he was afraid of answering. Many he was afraid of asking.  
How was he going to explain this to the kids?  
He lifted a hand to the mirror, holding a picture he had hanging from it in his hand delicately. He looked at it through teared vision, biting down his trembling lip. It was a picture of his sons, his favorite as it was hung for motivation. It was the first day Aleks was brought home, a day worth remembering.  
The three of them were seated on the couch, Seamus on the right, Aleks in the middle with Dex on the left. That was before Dex grew his hair out, Seamus wore his glasses, and Aleks...had only Jordan... How the times had changed, his sons growing older, and away from him. Aleks stuck in the middle, hearing the things Seamus said about Jordan, and trying hard not to believe them.  
In the picture, they all wore a smile...  
...where have those smiles gone...?  
He let go of the photo, and pulled the car into drive. The drive to work and back wasn't long, but considering today, he knew that long was exactly what it would be. He just wanted to go home and rest, try to find some way to ease off the stress before it ate him alive. Life was never this strenuous before, but this was how it was now. Just Jordan Mathewson trying to survive in a world so cold.  
He didn't know how he had gotten here, so low in life with a terrifying future coming into view. A future that threatened to take everything away, his home, his fatherhood, his family. He had already lost so much, his wife, his job, a good majority of his money. Well...Monica's money... He was struggling to pay bills already, and that five hundred dollar check tomorrow wasn't going to cut it.  
Seamus was old enough to understand everything that was going on, the perks of being a fifteen year old. He knew Jordan was having trouble with money, he knew there were bills that needed to be paid. Water, electric, mortgage. He also knew they weren't getting paid, just barely. He knew they wouldn't be in this mess if they still had Monica, he missed his mom dearly, but he knew thanks to Jordan, they'd never see her again.  
And having to live with the reason for your anger didn't help.  
Seamus detached himself from the rest of the family, or what was left of the Mathewson's. He spent most of his time by himself, wanting more than anything to be alone. He barely spoke to his father, not even bothering to call Jordan that. His brothers and himself spoke occasionally, but only ended in the two hearing what Seamus had to say about their 'dad'.  
And, as much as he didn't know, his words had gotten through.  
Dex, being at such a young age at ten, was very impressionable. He listened to what Seamus had to say, willingly or not, and began to believe in his renegade claims. That Jordan was to blame for how 'shitty' everything was, that they were being sent to foster homes, that Jordan won't be able to be the father he says he is.  
"Because he isn't. He was never meant to be a father, and we're paying the price for him trying to be." Seamus always told his younger siblings, Dex ultimately agreeing, and Aleks trying to not let those words scare him.  
Aleks always tried pushing those words away, but they'd always linger in his memory. He didn't want Jordan to be taken away, too, he was the only family that understood him. With his other family, Aleks didn't have...anyone. He was an only child, his mother was gone, and he didn't have much of a father figure. Jordan saved him from it all, taking care of him and being there with him.  
Like a father should do.  
But, Seamus' insults made Aleks in fear of the future. He thought that Jordan was going to give them up, he thought he'd be given away to someone so cruel. Possibly even his old family... That was what he was afraid of, being somewhere that wasn't Jordan's house, somewhere that wasn't Jordan's arms, somewhere that wasn't where Jordan was.  
He wanted to be a Mathewson.  
He never wanted to be a Marchant again.  
Jordan sighed as he pulled up to a red light, the road was quiet that night. Yet, the quiet was something that was associated with Jordan, something that always stood by him throughout this mess. It still does. Yet, with the quiet came memories of Jordan's to come alive, wrapping him in the web of his own mind. One of which he couldn't escape from because memories aren't made to forget.  
He looked to the seat next to him, seeing a retention of Monica, her flowing hair looking soft to the touch. Her dark cinnamon eyes shined in the sunlight, her lips parted into a smile. This was from when they were first together, the happiness shared amongst them. And, with time, their relationship grew closer to the point where they both wore a ring to symbolize their worth to one another.  
Monica admired the ring, looking down at the glistening gold and fighting a smile needing to show through. She then placed her hand onto her stomach, her small belly beginning to grow. "He just kicked." She giggled while turning to Jordan, her voice gentle and sweet. Before they knew it, Seamus was sitting in the back seat, five years old while they were expecting Dex. He was so small then, his hair cut short, his blue eyes cheerful, his favorite color green, his feet not even close on reaching the floor as he sat...  
Then, Dex sat in the seat next to Seamus, his hair dark like his mother's. Always a smile on his face no matter what, he was always so happy. Whereas, Monica and Jordan were going through some tension with one another and Seamus, as he got older, began to notice. Monica didn't wear that smile she once owned, it being replaced with a fine line of her lips. Her eyes looking bored, her head resting on her hand while waiting to be free from the car.  
Many things changed when Aleks became part of the family.  
Aleks was seated in the backseat of the car, right side while looking out the window in awe. Dex was next to him, staring out the other window, a blank expression being plastered. Monica no longer resided in the front seat as she was working, leaving the children to wonder when she would come home. Her spot was claimed by Seamus, not that he enjoyed being seated next to his father.  
That was how the car rides had changed from over the years, each one making Jordan just a little sadder. But, now, here he was alone. No one in the back seat, no one in the passenger's. Just him sighing to himself as he wanted things to turn out alright. He looked back ahead, the light beaming onto his face from a distance changing from red to green.  
He proceeded forward, rolling down the window to let the summer air calm his nerves on the way home. He took deep breaths to reassure himself all the while, he needed to stay positive throughout the mess. He couldn't let his sons see him in such a vulnerable state, he had to supply some sort of hope if he couldn't supply anything else. He made his way down a well-known street, turning left when passing the fourth house down.  
He pulled into the driveway, terminating the engine, and almost all light except for a light coming from the house's window. He made his way to the front door, unlocking it carefully and opening the door quietly, looking around to see the light was from the living room. Seamus sat on the couch watching the rest of a 'SpongeBob' episode, his eyes meeting Jordan's as he entered the room. Dex was seated next to him, curled up with his head on the armrest as he slept.  
"Hey." Seamus greeted Jordan, his voice mindful to the one sleeping beside him. He turned the television off once the credits began to roll, placing the remote down on the coffee table in front of him.  
"Hi." Jordan answered, slipping off his suit jacket and draping it on his arm. He heaved a sigh, rubbing at his eye again to remove the depression and sleep. He didn't know how to break the news, it would be too hard for him and them.  
"Is everything alright?" Seamus questioned, standing up from the couch. He saw the redness of Jordan's eyes indicating that he had been crying. Jordan looked up at that and shrugged, not knowing that to say.  
"Everything's okay." Jordan lied, as much as he hated hurting Seamus even more, he knew the truth would do far worse. Seamus gave him an odd glare at that answer, both knowing that something was going on.  
"Are you sure?" Seamus returned. "Because last time you said everything was okay, you and mom broke up." He huffed, crossing his arms, awaiting for the real answer. Jordan looked at him in defeat, he always had his mother's sass. He sighed again, knowing that there would be no way around this without someone getting hurt.  
"I, uh...," Jordan paused, deciding to just give it to him straight, "...I just got laid off." Jordan whispered, but his voice was loud enough for Seamus to hear the words. The words that he had expected to hear sometime down the road, that he was afraid to hear because that meant they had no money, and that he was angered to hear since everything would be okay if Monica were still with them.  
Seamus shook his head in nonbelief and slight disappointment, not daring to look at his dad in the eye. He felt tears coming on as he looked down at his sleeping brother, not knowing what was to come of him, Aleks, or himself. He kept his head aimed down as he walked past Jordan and up the stairs, his bedroom door closing fairly loud.  
Jordan let out a short breath, knowing that he had let not only Seamus, but himself down. He was just trying to be the father that his kids needed, yet it seemed like nothing could go right for him. He couldn't find love, he couldn't keep a job, he couldn't bond with his sons anymore than he had already attempted to. The world was burning to ashes, ashes that Jordan was forced to breath.  
He made his way to the couch, picking up the ten year old softly. Dex nuzzled his head against Jordan's chest unknowingly before returning to his slumber. Jordan gazed down at his youngest child, battling tears yet again as he didn't know what would be the future of him. He knew that if he couldn't support the family, his family would be taken away by law.  
He didn't want to think of this being one of the last times he would see his son.  
He made his way up the stairs, finding Dex's room in the dimly lit hallway. He pushed open the door and walked to his bed, placing Dex in it as he snuggled with the blankets. He was so innocent when he slept, oblivious to the concerns going about in his dad's life. He wished that Dex would never have to find out about them, but wishes don't stay.  
They fall like shooting stars.  
Jordan placed a small kiss on Dex's forehead before sauntering towards the door, closing it fully before turning away. All he wanted was to close his eyes for the night, to forget about the pain his life brought from himself and others. Just to lay his head on that pillow without a care in the world. But, he still responsibilities to attend to once he heard crying come from Aleks' room as he walked by.  
Jordan opened the door leisurely and flicked on the lights, the room being revealed as well as a crying twelve year old who tried to suffocate his weeps with a pillow. Jordan sighed as he knelt down next to the bed, running a hand through Aleks' hair as he inched open his watery eyes.  
"What's the matter, Aleks?" Jordan mumbled as Aleks slowly removed the pillow from his face. He took a few unsteady, short breaths before trying his best to explain.  
"I-I had an-another night-nightmare..." Aleks told him, rubbing at his eyes as he let out a few sobs in the meantime. Jordan pouted, hating to see his son so upset. Over the seven months that he had been a member of the family, he was prone to nightmares that he wouldn't be able to calm himself down from. These were another reason for Jordan's tiredness, but he pushed that aside.  
Aleks needed him right now.  
"Hey, come here buddy, come here." Jordan instructed him, opening his arms as Aleks held onto him tightly. Aleks was a little small for his age, but Jordan didn't mind as he used that to his advantage in calming Aleks. He picked Aleks up from the bed, his trembling body being held by warm arms. He placed his head on his father's shoulder, letting the tears seep into his button down shirt.  
"It's okay, it's okay." Jordan whispered again and again in Aleks' ear, as he gently rocked Aleks while slowly stepping around the room. "Don't cry, it's alright, I have you." Jordan mumbled again, kissing Aleks' temple as he overlapped his cries with his sweet nothings. He had gotten used to this by now, learning how be one to soothe another. With Monica at her job, being tender was something Jordan had to adapt to.  
At first, he didn't know what to do with Aleks' crying due to the nightmares. When Dex or Seamus had them, Monica was always the one right by their side. Now that she was barely there, it was Jordan's...job... He wasn't sure of what to say, what to do, to stay, to bring Aleks with him. Over time, Jordan had developed the tricks, the phrases, the tone, the hugs, the kisses, the answer to 'Can I sleep in your room tonight?'.  
And through it all, there was always one thing that got Aleks to sleep every time.  
"If I could face them, if I could make amends  
With all my shadows..."  
Jordan began singing in his ear, it was something that Aleks enjoyed. Drifting off to lullaby in a comforting environment.  
"I'd bow my head, and welcome them..."  
He rubbed small circles into Aleks' back as he wrapped his arms around his father's neck.  
"I feel it burning, like when the winter wind  
Stops my breathing  
Are you really going to love me when I'm gone  
I fear you won't, I fear you don't..."  
He felt Aleks' breaths become steady as he closed his eyes, his grip starting to feel a little loose.  
"And it echoes when I breathe  
Till all you see  
Is my ghost..."  
Jordan continued to hum the song into his son's ear, the song putting the younger to sleep. Jordan smiled as he stopped the song, seeing the innocent face of Aleks in his arms.  
At least there was someone who had Jordan in their heart. Yet when thinking of the future, Jordan was afraid that his heart might be broken.  
But that's what the Mathewson's were.  
Broken hearted people.


	2. Chapter 2

He still wasn't used to it.

Waking up in an empty bed. Almost an entire year had passed, and still, the bed felt a little bigger. A little lonely. A little empty. Because the only place she was now was his heart. She wasn't in the kitchen making some coffee. She wasn't in the bathroom getting dressed. She wasn't trying to get the boys up for the day. She wasn't snuggling next to him when she refused to get up herself.

She wasn't here anymore. But, no matter how many times Dan told himself that, he kept waking up to an emptier bed each morning.

He sat up from the bed, clearing his throat before yawning, always expecting a pair of arms to wrap around him, hugging him from behind. But all he felt was the warmth dissipating from himself from the blanket. He was used to mornings like this, but at the same time, he wasn't. Each night he'd tell himself what to expect tomorrow, but he'd never listen to the mental notes. 

That's why each morning was a little sadder than the last.

He made his way to the bathroom, turning on the lights however he wouldn't need them. The sunlight pouring in through the window supplied enough. He rubbed at his tired eyes, opening them slowly to see a reflection of himself come into view. He studied himself, looking at every little detail and always feeling insecure about it.

His hair. Brown, short, a mess at the moment. His eyes. Awake, hazel, some angst and malaise hidden within them. His lips. Minorly chapped, pink as they should be, how they haven't been kissed in so long. How long they missed the feeling of a true smile... He kept staring at himself, looking at everything about him and criticizing everything.

I shouldn't part my hair that way. I need to trim my beard. My cheeks look a little chubby. I need to get more sleep. I shouldn't slouch as much. I should stop biting my lip. I should stop looking so sad. But, you can tell that smile is forced. My teeth are uneven. My nose looks a bit too big. So does me stomach...maybe I could try and lose a pound...

...or twenty...

He sighed, this was another part of his morning routine, try to find everything wrong with him. And in the end, it always came down the touchy subject of his weight. Others didn't mind it, but it always got to him somehow. He tried to ignore it, tell himself that he looked fine, but every morning he'd look in that mirror and the same insults were addressed.

But, the one thing that got him by was his memory. Those words she'd say that would make him feel a little better. That he was loved. It didn't matter what he looked like, what he did, what his favorite food was, throughout it all, he was in someone's heart. He was loved. And the noises from the kitchen made him realize that he still is.

He left the bathroom, making his way down the stairs and turning into the kitchen. He grinned pleasingly at the sight and commotion, it all touching his heart the moment he laid eyes on them. His sons making breakfast. "Morning dad!" Spencer called to him, his braces showing as he beamed. He returned to the stove thereafter, cooking something that smelled undeniably good.

"James, be careful with those plates!" His older brother Joe cautioned, pouring a glass of milk for himself. James made his way to the table carelessly, plates wobbling in his hands the entire time. 

"I got it!" James informed him, although he was acting a bit too reckless. "You don't have to-" Before he could get the rest of his statement out, a plate dropped to the floor, shattering as it collided with the ground. He looked up to his dad, eyes filled with embarrassment. "Sorry, dad, I didn't mean to-" James began to apologize, but Dan held a hand up for him to calm down.

"That's alright, James, just step away. I'll clean this up." Dan told him, making his way to retrieve the broom before he was stopped.

"That's alright dad, I'll get it." Joe notified him, pulling the broom out of the closet and returning to the mess of broken glass. Before he had a chance to thank him, Dan felt a tugging at the hem of his shirt. He looked down to see his youngest son, Kevin, smiling at him as he held up a mug.

"We made you coffee." He told his dad, standing on the tips of his toes to try and raise the cup higher. Dan chuckled while taking the mug, kneeling down in front of his son as he ruffled his hair. "How are you today dad?" Kevin asked, his brown eyes looked exactly like his mother's.

"Pretty well." Dan answered, taking a small sip from his coffee. "How about you? Did you sleep alright?" He asked as Kevin nodded his head, smiling shyly. "No nightmares, no monsters? You plug the nightlight in?" Kevin nodded again, a bit abashed of owning a nightlight. He was ten years old, wanting to be brave, but afraid of the lurkers within the dark.

"Breakfast's ready!"

Dan smiled as he stood up, making his way to the table as well as his sons.

The family was relatively happy. You probably never would have known that they suffered a great loss.

A little over a year ago, Liz had been lost due to a car accident. It was all so sudden, everything was going perfect in their lives. Liz had recently gotten promoted, Dan and herself were going out that night to celebrate. But...Dan was never able to make the reservations before he got the news. He had lost the one he loved...to a mere accident... Things would never be the same without Liz.

In fact, they got harder.

It would be that night where he had to tell the kids. All were in tears, never being able to see their mother again. It would be a week later when the funeral took place, Dan having to take both James and Kevin outside multiple times. It would be almost a month before Dan returned to work. Another six before he reluctantly took his wedding ring off. And now here they were, a year later, a few days after the anniversary.

The kids had recovered from it well, especially Spencer. He had been in the car with Liz when the second collided. He was scared out of his mind from the second that truck came into view, coming a little too quickly, a little too closely. He didn't have many injuries, just a few scrapes from broken glass. But, his mom didn't live ten seconds after the vehicle smashed into the drivers side door.

Spencer had witnessed his mother die. 

He was a scared mess after that, afraid of stepping into another car. He couldn't stop crying, spending most of the night awake due to that. He would barely speak, keeping to himself which was unlike him. This went on for months, Spencer living in a life of guilt, fear, and worry at such a young age.

But, the reason he's not like that today is because of Joe.

Joe and Spencer were fraternal twins, both now the age of fourteen. They had been close all their lives by talking, playing video games, cooking, cleaning, taking care of their other brothers. But, when Spencer began to break down after the car crash, it was beginning to tear Joe and Spencer away from each other. But, that doesn't mean it did.

Joe knew how traumatic it was losing their mom, but being at the time and place it happened must have been even more fearsome. Joe could only imagine the pain as he tried to help his brother out. He would hold Spencer through the night when he cried, missing his mom. He would say positive phrases for Spencer to repeat and later on to believe. He would always make him smile, make him laugh, he helped him return to the person Spencer was.

And Spencer swore he would always be there when Joe needed him.

The death of their mother had a large impact on James as well. Before, James would be pretty apathetic, not really caring much of how he saw himself, and how others perceived him. Yet, his indifference was also used in what James would do or say to others. He would be rude, or say things that others would take offense to without apologizing. He was a good kid, but he would end up in trouble ever so often.

Except, when learning about his mom, his personality changed.

He learned not to take things for granted because in the blink of an eye, they could disappear. He still would be the funny, social, quirky, twelve year old Dan had grown to love, but he also became more polite. He would apologize when he did something wrong, he wouldn't talk back like he used to, it had been quite some time since had been sent to his room. As this change was for the better, it was sad to think that he was this way because of the loss of Liz.

But, there was something else Dan had noticed.

James refused to talk about his mom. Ever since the funeral, James had become silent towards her. He wouldn't recall memories of her, he wouldn't add into conversation when others spoke of her, he would avoid mentioning her altogether. But, Dan didn't want to upset James, so he let it be. Maybe that was his way of coping, letting go entirely.

And, Kevin's situation really got to Dan as well.

Kevin was asthmatic, having trouble to breathe and needing an inhaler to save him. It wasn't so bad in the beginning, but after the accident, he always had that inhaler nearby. The attacks came more frequent from the crying, the crying from being a motherless child. When Dan was working, Joe and Spencer kept an eye on Kevin just in case he needed their support through another attack.

But, his asthma wasn't the only thing that became more evident. Kevin never liked the dark, he'd sleep with a nightlight occasionally to help. Yet, now he couldn't sleep without one, in fear of the nightmares he had and the monsters that roamed his room when the lights went out. His other fears became more prominent as well, those being of thunderstorms, being left alone, and arguing. But, he was learning how to deal with them with the help from Dan and his brothers. 

Things weren't easy without Liz, there were struggles from time to time. Some more often than others. Dan and his sons all went down their own paths, windy, rocky, dark, steep. But, in the end, they returned to one another, stronger than before. Times would still become hard, but they would be bearable. Not everything can go as planned, that they've learned. But, they've also learned how that no matter what plan happens, everything will be okay.

That's what the Gidlow's were.

Okay.

"What's the news on that game you're working on, dad?" Joe asked while cutting Kevin's food for him. Dan was a videogame designer, doing something that he loved for a living which so few do. It was also a job that paid well to support the family and a bit more. Dan had been working on a game with his station that had caught his boss' attention, believing that it may become immensely popular. It was something big for Dan, something going right in his life for once.

"It's excellent, actually." Dan began, placing down his coffee mug. "My boss really enjoyed the concept of our game, and many other companies invested into it or sponsored it." He explained, smiling shyly at his achievement. "It's been extremely successful, I'm amazed. A few of the guys I'm working on it with are going to be going out tonight, actually, for a few drinks."

"Aren't you going to go?" Spencer wondered once taking a sip from his orange juice. "It sounds like you'd have fun, you deserve it after all." He acknowledged while passing James the bottle of syrup.

Dan giggled softly as he shrugged, appreciating Spencer's attempts. "I'm not really sure, it does sound like fun, but-" He shook his head as he spoke, unsure of the idea of going out. He hadn't been out in quite some time, ever since Liz had passed away. He'd rather be at work or spending time at home than stepping foot into a bar of any sort. 

"But what?" Spencer rhetorically questioned, smiling at his dad's humbleness. "You should go out tonight, have fun with your friends, have a couple drinks. Joe and I will watch James and Kevin, you go celebrate." He urged, wanting his father to try and return to his complete life. Dan had been through the most stress when dealing with Liz, that all of them knew. What Dan needed was to relax, and as much as he was afraid to, the kids kept trying.

"You might meet a pretty lady." Kevin added, picking up his glass with both hands. The table chuckled at that, Kevin smiling innocently before taking a few small sips of his drink. 

"You'd have fun tonight, dad." James added in. The boys knew Dan was still having trouble moving on from Liz, but didn't quite know why after so long. The reason being that Dan was insecure, not believing he'd find another love due to how he looked, how he sounded, what's he'd say, how he'd act. All things he was worried about, and all things he could avoid by simply not going out.

Well...he couldn't avoid them in the mirror...

"Please, dad?" Joe questioned, his eyes pleading as well as his words.

Dan looked around the table, meeting eyes with the four of them before looking down. He sighed, realizing that he had no way out of this. He supposed he could make the best of it, it was just a couple drinks after all. Besides, he wasn't alone, he had his friends with him, people who respected him and appreciated him. It didn't sound too scary, and he didn't want to let his sons down.

He laughed kindly. "I can't believe I'm listening to kids, of all people." He sighed while ceasing his chuckles. "Fine, I'll-I'll go." He accepted, his kids smiling and giggling as they had won. Dan knew they were right, it had been about time for him to go somewhere beyond the confides he was familiar with. He shouldn't have to be scared, this is something his sons wanted. This was something his friends wanted. This was something he, too, wanted.

And he knew that this was something that Liz would want.  
* * * * * * 

Dan had never felt so good.

He made the right choice in going out, he didn't realize how enjoyable the night would've been. Just joking with his friends, catching up, hanging out. The stress in his past drove him away from any and all fun, if you will. But, he was glad he was able to return to it. Live the happier side of life.

It had only been somewhat over an hour before they decided to call it a night, but there were other plans for Dan. His sons had wanted him to go out and have a couple drinks, that's exactly what he did. Unknowingly, that was what he was going to do. "I can't believe that our boss chose our game, our fucking game out of everyone else's!" Dan's friend Nick praised, placing an extra tip on the table for the waiter.

"I can't believe it either, it's so honoring." Dan commented, slipping on his jacket.

"Now I can't wait to go into work tomorrow, think of how much this is going to make us!" Nick laughed, pulling his car keys out of his back pocket. He sighed, patting Dan on the back. "I'll see you, Dan." He departed, his grin too hard to hide. Dan chuckled at his giddiness, turning around as he checked the time.

8:04.

It was still early, he knew his friends weren't the type of people that liked to stay out late. With it being the time it was, Dan decided he could go for a few more drinks. He made his way to the open bar, taking a seat on a stool. The barista took his order, her smile flirtatious as she did so. Yet, Dan wasn't interested in her attempts, she was beautiful, but he didn't see anything more with her than a one night stand.

Dan didn't want her to be just a number in his phone, waiting to be called for a 'good time'.

He took a sip from his drink once given, the bar seemed almost empty that night. Except, his eyes found another individual at the bar seated not too far away. And just by a look, an array of mixed feelings entered his heart. He didn't know what to feel, he didn't know what to think. All he knew was his sons wanted him to go out tonight, savor the night, have a few drinks, maybe even meet a pretty lady. 

He had appreciated the evening. Had a few beers here and there. But, it wasn't a lady he found pretty.


	3. Chapter 3

He had a drink in his hand, something strong by the looks of it. But, the alcoholic beverage wasn't the attraction. It was the man holding it. He was handsome, brown hair brushed neatly back, although it was beginning to outgrow itself. He was quite tall, his blue eyes almost hypnotizing as his gaze traveled from the glass to Dan's.

His small smile topped it all off.

"Hello." Dan greeted him, showing a comforting smile in return. 

"Hi." The man replied, his voice sounded as if it were usually happy, but now, it had a pinch bleakness within it. His blue eyes fell back down as he took a rather large swig from his glass before placing it down lightly. 

"Everything okay? You seem like you've been having a rough night." Dan noted, picking up on the small hints of the man's appearance, actions, and tone. The man looked up at that, his eyes reading that Dan had caught him red handed. He sighed as he chuckled quietly, shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah I...I guess you could say that." The stranger replied, pushing his hair back. That's when Dan noticed the tan line on his finger, where a wedding ring used to be. He looked down at his own finger, that line seeming to have never been there. It must have been recent...poor guy... "It's just...everything's falling apart right now, and I don't know what to do."

"I'm really sorry to hear that." Dan sympathized, the other man nodding as a gesturing of thanks. "Oh, um, I'm-I'm Dan." He introduced himself, sticking out his hand as the other shook it. The two smiled.

"Jordan." The other man replied, seeming pleased with having somebody to talk to. Which, he was. Jordan had gone to the bar that night to try and relax himself after the evening prior. As much as he didn't want to drown his worries in a glass of bitter liquid, he found himself sitting in a chair doing so. Luckily, he wasn't alone. He had caught someone's eye, and they were interested in learning about him.

Maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad.

"I get what you're talking about, with things going straight to Hell." Dan commented, the two men chuckling at that. "Things break apart, break away. Seems like you can't fix it, I know that all too well." He felt himself begin to tear up, remembering how lightly the news was given to him on his wife. Jordan stood up from his chair and sat in one right next to Dan after noticing his watery eyes.

"Hey, everything's alright." Jordan tried his best to sympathize, he knew how to comfort a twelve year old, but another adult? "Please don't cry, Dan. I'm sure it's all alright, I saw you over there before with your friends. I mean, things can't be too bad." He mentioned, bringing a smile back to the other's face. "What was the occasion?" Jordan changed the subject to something cheerier.

"I uh..." Dan cleared his throat, taking a small sip from his glass. "I work as a videogame designer, and my station and I are working on a game that's going to be really successful." The news made both Dan and Jordan smile, one being proud, the other being amazed. 

"That's excellent!" Jordan praised. "Congratulations on that, that's awesome!" As much as he was astounded to hear that news, Jordan was heartbroken at the memory of losing his job. He was listening to others success while trying to ignore his failure.

"Thanks, it really means a lot. I'm just so blown away by this entire thing, it's really changing my world around." Dan admitted, placing his glass onto the counter. "We were out celebrating our accomplishment. I was debating on going, but my kids said that I'd have a good time." He chortled lightly to himself at that.

"You have kids, too?" Jordan asked, sounding even more intrigued. Dan smiled, not only was someone fascinated to know about him, but they shared much more in common than just being at the same place at the same time.

"Why, you do?" Dan wondered turning in his seat to face Jordan directly. 

"Yeah, I have three boys." Jordan answered, proud to call them his sons. But...whether or not they wanted Jordan as a father was a whole different story.

"Four boys." Dan responded, the two laughing at that. Dan should've known that Jordan was a dad, there was this tender vibe he gave off. Something soft, compassionate, perhaps sensitive, and, matter of factly, loveable. All aspects a father should own, and all settling into Jordan's humble personality. "Yeah, they kept telling me to go out tonight since it's been quite a while."

"Why's that?" Jordan inquired, one eyebrow raising above the other. "Why haven't you been out in so long?" He rephrased his question, a guiltless smile on his face as he asked it. Dan looked back up towards Jordan, knowing he didn't mean to ask such a personal question. He sighed while looking down, unsure on answering. "I'm sorry." Jordan stepped down, noticing he was making Dan nervous. "I didn't mean to upset you or anything-"

"No, no, it's okay." Dan told him, smiling to keep Jordan at ease. "They say one thing to do in order to get passed something is to tell someone. And, I haven't really given that much of a try, to be honest." He withdrew a quiet breath, Jordan being patient with him, understanding that certain things aren't so simple to talk about. Dan swallowed before continuing on.

"Uh...last year, my wife, Liz, passed away in car accident." Dan started, his voice as shaky as Jordan's heart at the moment. "It really put us through a hard time, trying to move on. I miss her everyday, I keep waking up, expecting her to be in that bed with me..." Jordan placed his hand on Dan's back for comfort, feeling utterly sorrowful for him. The man had lost his wife with four kids at home...and he thought he was experiencing a rough time...

"I haven't really been out since then, considering that it was over a year ago." Dan summarized, fully answering Jordan's wonders. "But, things are better now. I'm doing terrific at my job, my family is closer than we were, and my sons have been so strong through it all. I'm so proud of them." Dan smiled at that, seeing how they had changed since the event. Spencer was more open, Joe was more supportive, James was more grateful, and Kevin, although some may label him as a nervous wreck, was brave. No ten year old should ever have to deal with the loss of a parent.

In fact...no child at any age should have to experience that.

"I'm really glad to hear that everything's been turned around." Jordan remarked, inspired by the recovery Dan and his family had made. "That's really amazing, and I hope nothing, but the best for your family." Dan glanced up at Jordan at that, smiling timidly at his generosity and kind heart. Dan barely knew who this guy was, but what he did know was that he carried the sweetest heart he could ever come across. "What are your sons names?" 

"My oldest are Joe and Spencer, their twins. Wasn't expecting that on the first try." The two shared another laugh as the barista delivered two more drinks to them. "Anyway, I have a twelve year old, James, he was named after my father. And a ten year old, Kevin. Nothing else than that, we just liked the name Kevin." Jordan chuckled as Dan took a sip from his drink. "What about you? What are your sons names?"

"Well, uh, my oldest is fifteen, his name's Seamus. I always liked the name, so I figured, why not?" He took a small drink from his Scotch. "My youngest, he's also ten, his name is Dexter. Funny kid, get his humor from his mom's side. And, my twelve year old, Aleks, my ex-wife, Monica, and I adopted him a few months before a divorce was filed." Jordan summed up, realizing what he had said, and remembering that, that was the reason for him being here.

He downed his Scotch.

"I'm so sorry to hear that." Dan said, pushing his drink aside. "It must have been hard for you, dealing with that and explaining everything to your kids. Did...did everything turn out alright?" He questioned, but based on Jordan's location and now empty glass, he could already sense the answer.

Jordan shook his head solemnly, swallowing the rest of the pungent beverage and allowing it to burn his throat on the way down. "My kids didn't take too well to the divorce, so there's been some disagreement between us." He rubbed at his temple while aiming his head down, closing his eyes as he was speaking mainly of Seamus. Dex was only a naive follower, and Aleks hid away from the fights.

"I'm already struggling to pay bills, most of the money that was really helping us out was Monica's. But, she took it all away once we split because of that...stupid prenup." He sighed as Dan pushed away tears of his own. He thought he had it hard, but that was before. This was now and Jordan was on his last life. "And on top of that...," He inhaled sharply, "...I just lost my job, and I don't know what I'm going to do..."

Jordan finished as he rubbed at his eye, feeling needed sleep begin to weigh down on him. His eyes stung with tears, fear being their cause. The future was scary, and each second wasted was another second it drew nearer and nearer. Dan had never felt so much compassion flood his heart before, his heart swelling from pity. Everything was crashing and burning in Jordan's life, if it didn't fall on him, it would burn him in the end. He just trying to do whatever he thought was right, and doing so to support his kids.

But, every right he thought he made was actually a wrong. And each one supplied more stress onto Jordan, each one made him take another sip from his glass.

"Jordan...I..." Dan didn't know what to say, his heart felt like it was crying while Jordan's felt like his was dying. Jordan was falling apart, and no matter how many times he kept trying to piece everything back together, there was always a piece missing. And without that piece, everything started tumbling down. Although he didn't know what to say, there was something inside of him that told Dan what to do.

As Jordan remained motionless with his head in his hands, refusing to let his tears show, Dan pulled his wallet out of his pocket. He began writing something out, the action causing Jordan to look over and come to conclusions. "Daniel..." He whispered, realizing what Dan was doing. "Dan, you don't...you don't have to-"

"It's okay, Jordan." Dan told him, laughing lightly with his words to let him know that it truly was. He ripped the check from the book, handing it to Jordan who stared at it for a second or so. He reluctantly took it from the other's hand, studying it before feeling ultimately guilty. 

"Daniel, this is a thousand dollars!" He raised his voice, but at the same time whispered it to not draw any attention to the two. He pushed the check back towards Dan, shaking his head on accepting it. "I can't take this from you, this is too much Dan." He explained, feeling tears prod his eyes with just a bit more force. He looked back up at Dan who wore a pleasant grin, his eyes as warm as his friendly gesture.

"It's fine, Jordan. You need it more than I do, it's okay. Just...take it." He told him, a look of nonbelief on Jordan's face. Jordan shook his head again, refusing to accept such a large gift. It was too much for him to take, something he needed, but something he'd feel guilty for obtaining. "Jordan..." Dan mumbled, taking Jordan's hand and aiming it back towards himself. Jordan was shocked by an action, not by his casualty of it, but...Dan's touch was so...soft.

"Don't feel guilty about taking it, it's alright. I just want to help you out, I don't want to see you so upset." Dan explained, letting go of Jordan's hand slowly. "I want you to have it, I want you to be able to support your sons." He gestured to the check once again. "It's alright, Jordan." He repeated, finding Jordan's bashful demeanor somewhat...

...cute...  
Jordan sighed as he folded the check, hesitantly placing it in his back pocket as he registered what had happened. He had gone to the bar feeling ignored by the world, but was now listened to and helped by the most gorgeous man he had ever met. A man who understood what it's like to be an only parent. A man who had kids of his own. A man who took the time to notice Jordan and cared enough to give him much more support than he could ever ask for.

He was left in a state of awe.

"I..." Jordan stuttered, running his finger around the rim of his empty glass. "I don't know what to say." He muttered, a tiny smile of his being far from hidden. He turned back to Dan, brown and blue eyes locking with one another. "Thank you...so much, Dan. I...I can't thank you enough, I just..." The words kept getting stuck in his throat, his thankfulness forcing him to wipe away tears.

"Don't mention it." Dan informed him, the feeling of helping another out overwhelmed him. "So...tell me more about your sons." Dan changed the subject, Jordan grinning like a fool about how the night was going. Both were glad they had gone out that night, both pleased that they had met one another. Jordan to Dan being someone innocent, meek, sweet, funny, and heartwarming. And Dan to Jordan as someone hilarious, touching, selfless, tenacious, and frankly...beautiful.

They might not have known at it at the time, but they   
both had fallen in love that night.

They spent forever sitting on those two stools, joking here and there, talking to one another, and learning about each other. The feeling of just being listened to was something that they hadn't felt in such a long time. Just being understood, being acknowledged, being at that moment with that person. They couldn't have asked for a better night as they never wanted it to end.

But, they had no control of time.

"Woah, it's getting pretty late." Dan noted, looking down at the time on his phone. 10:27. He stood up from his stool, placing his phone back into his pocket. "I need to get home to my kids. It was really great to meet you Jordan, this has to be one of the best nights I've ever had." Dan smiled once admitting that, realizing that it was the truth. Tonight alone was pretty alright, but spending that time with Jordan made things so much better. 

"It was good to talk to you too, I'm glad that I met you." Jordan responded, fighting a yawn as he was becoming more tired by the moment. Dan was about was about to turn and leave, but before he did, he took one last look at Jordan. This man was amazing. Smart, insightful, a bit eccentric. But, alongside that, this man was struggling. Broken, hurting, frankly lost. He wanted to be there for him, Jordan just needed someone with him. A shoulder, a hand, a heart.

Dan wanted to be all of those things. 

"Hey, uh...here, um..." Dan pulled out his pen again, writing something down on a napkin the best he could. He handed the napkin to Jordan, Dan smiling nervously and Jordan wearing a curious smile of his own. "That's my number if...I don't know, we want to see each other again. If we want to get our kids together. Or if...you ever need any help...don't be afraid to call." 

Jordan looked down at the digits written out on the cloth before meeting eyes with Dan again. "I'll be sure to." He answered with a grin, excited for the next time he would see him again. "Thank you." He said one last time before the two shared another smile, Dan saying goodbye before exiting to his car.

Jordan laughed lightly to himself, looking over the numbers Dan had written down. He felt himself blushing, there was something about him that Jordan couldn't describe, but he liked. Maybe it was his personality. Or, his kindness. Maybe it was his smile, perhaps his laugh, could it have been it eyes? 

Jordan just let it slide for now as he focused on how his life seemed a bit better. All because of a man named Dan.

"Dan..." He mumbled under his breath. "...I like the sound of that name..."

Dan paused before pulling his car into drive, feeling a smile linger on his face. He looked back to the bar, recalling the events of the night which made his smile seem permanent. Before, his world seemed to be caving in. But now, everything seemed a bit better. All because of a man named Jordan.

"Jordan..." He rolled the name off of his tongue. "...I love that name."


	4. Chapter 4

It would be a week before Dan heard from Jordan.

Jordan sat at the kitchen island, the sky engulfed with deep blue casting shadows upon everything below. One of his hands held a cell phone to his ear, the other held his head as it pounded and ached. His eyes remained closed while listening to the voice on the other end, battling tears that soaked his soul.   
He had been waiting for that phone call, thanking God each day his phone didn't ring. Yet, tonight, he wouldn't meet the same fate. His phone buzzed in his pocket once he had managed to get Aleks to sleep after another recurring nightmare. He scanned the name, it being one he dreaded and feared. Stefani. The name of his landlady.

He knew what she was calling about, he was behind on the mortgage. She cut him some slack at first, understanding that the divorce had just taken affect. Yet, that was months ago. She sent him off with warnings and due dates, but this wasn't a phone call about that. They had been through everything on the list, except for the last.

Eviction.

"Please, Stefani, I just need a little more time." He paused to hear what she had to say. "I'm looking for work, it's not as easy as you'd think." He sighed uneasily. "I just need you to help me out right now, please, please you...you can't kick us out. Please, Stefani." He begged, trying not to sound as desperate as he truly was.

"I really am sorry, Jordan." Her saccharin voice spoke, trying not to let her frustration seethe through. "I know you're having problems, but I have given you more than enough time to pay rent." She reminded, those words sinking into Jordan's heart even sharper than blades. "I feel really guilty, but...it's what I have to do, Jordan."

Jordan felt a tear escape, but he couldn't just break down right then and there. He had to try and fix his problems, and crying wasn't the solution. That check from before had helped for awhile, it supplied enough food for the family for some time. But, the rest was taken away for bills, leaving Jordan penniless as more invoices piled up.

"I'm so sorry, Jordan..." Stefani whispered once the line went silent, knowing that her words weren't going to change the occurring matters. "Uh...I can give you a week's notice. I really am sorry." She repeated, her voice getting even lower. She heard a breathless sigh come from the other end, a sigh made to try to stop the tears.

Jordan sniffled quietly, opening his watery eyes as they stung. "I...It's alright, Stef. I know...you have to make money, too. It's alright." He felt his lip tremble by bottling everything inside. He was just taking everything in, and as much as it wasn't so healthy, he continued. "...You have a good rest of your night Stefani." He told her, defeat settling in. "I'll see you."

And with that, he hung up before he let it all go.

Reality hit him hard as he placed his head on the counter, his sobs quiet to not disturb his sons. He bit his lip to try and silence himself, tears falling from his eyes by the second. He had hit something below rock bottom, and whatever it was, it hurt. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to cry, it hurt to think. 

Think of the future arising in a little less than a week.

He had no where to go, none of his friends places were big enough to house a family of four. He had relatives, but none of which lived in Colorado. And it didn't really look like he could afford anything, let alone plane tickets. He had no way of reaching Monica, but even if he did, she'd be off somewhere, having the time of her life. Nowhere near on taking the kids back. 

There were other factors needing to be faced as the sobbing seemed ceaseless.

Soon, child services would get involved. They'd know Jordan wasn't able to support them, and they'd take them away. His sons he loved ever so much, Seamus, Aleks, and Dex. He would never see them again, all sent to foster homes, they'd be lucky if they got to stick together. Seamus would never be able to forgive him, Aleks would be scared out of his mind, and Dex wouldn't be the same without his brothers.

God knows what would become of himself...

He was losing it, any and all hope. He knew he needed to stay positive, but what was positive about losing his family? Seamus had been right, he was to blame for everything. The divorce, finding a place to stay, the loss of connection with his sons, the loss of his job, the struggle with money. And now, the place they had a rough time finding was going to be taken away.

His heard his sobs get a little louder.

All he needed was just a little support, doing everything by himself wasn't working out like he once thought. The thing he needed was just some help...

...help...

"Or if...you ever need any help...don't be afraid to call..." Those words resurfaced in his mind as some sort of light guiding him to shore. He lifted his head as he remembered them and recalled who had said them. He felt bad about calling him so suddenly in need of assurance, but he barely had a leg to stand on.

He dialed the number, the napkin not being needed as by now, he had it known by heart. He placed the phone to his ear, his hand extremely shaky as he heard the first ring. He wiped away a few more tears, but he couldn't control his weeping anymore than he already tried. His faith started to crack once he heard the second ring. 

Maybe he's driving. Maybe he's working. Maybe he doesn't know it's me. Maybe he can't find his phone. Maybe he's taking care of his sons, four boys would be even more of a handful. Or...maybe he's ignoring me. Maybe he just doesn't want to pick up. Maybe it was a fake number. Maybe he didn't mean those things he said to me. Maybe...maybe I'm just wasting a phone call...

Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing the unknown number resting on the screen. He pressed a button, picking up on unknowingly on the third ring. "Hello?" He answered, drying his free hand after washing the dishes. He felt his heart shatter once he heard the other line speak.

"...D-Dan...?" Jordan asked, his voice frail and wavering. "Dan...I-I...I need help..." He whispered, trying to keep himself under control. 

"Jordan? Jordan, what's wrong?" Dan asked concernedly, worry beginning to run rampant in his mind at the possibilities. "Jordan, I want you to calm down, okay? Just take a deep breath, and tell me what's wrong." Dan told him, preventing himself from crying along with him.

"I..." Jordan tried to start, taking a few breaths like Dan had advised. "I...I j-just got off the-the phone with my l-landlord." He managed to say, his lungs burning with each breath. "S-She's kicking us out-out b-before the end of-of the week..." His voice trailed off as he buried his face into his arm, silencing more cries.

Dan sighed, allowing an extended breath to leave his lungs. As if Jordan couldn't take anymore stress, he was being forced out of his home so abruptly. There was nothing Jordan could do except wait for it to happen. Wait for a future that would hold nothing, but the worst. For Seamus, for Aleks, for Dexter, and himself. Dan was left speechless.

"T-This can't be happ-happening Dan..." Jordan rambled on, tears creating puddles on the counter beneath him. "Ever-Everything's falling apart, and-and it h-hurts. I don't know-know what's g-going to happen..." He paused to catch his breath, Dan inadvertently holding one of his own. He could barely even listen to the other man break down...it would just kill him if he saw...

"I-I just ne-need some help..." Jordan whispered, his eyes feeling swollen and puffy. "I'm so scared, Dan..." Both of their hearts broke at that, one even more than the other. "I'm just so scared..."

Dan took a shallow breath to ease himself, the pain in Jordan's life beginning to effect his. "It's going to be alright, Jordan. Just calm down, please don't cry." He attempted to relax him, although he knew simple words weren't going to solve the problem. It might solve one, but not the other. "Just breathe, Jordan. Okay? Don't get too worked up over this, I will help. You're not alone, I'm here for you. I just want you to breathe, alright?"

Dan's eyes wandered all over the room, his mind working fast on how to help Jordan out. Jordan was losing his home, a place to stay, shelter. He needed somewhere to live to just stay until he got back onto his feet. He just needed a chance, a chance no one was giving him. He just needed...a home...

"Jordan, you can stay with me."

Jordan froze at those words. He would feel terrible for taking even more from Dan, he felt as if he were taking advantage of his hospitality. He was stuck at an impasse with himself, yearning and pleading for someone's support, yet when given to him, guilt played a big part during the aftermath. "Daniel..." Jordan murmured, but he couldn't get another word out.

"Listen, Liz always wanted a big family." Dan began, wanting Jordan to hear him out. "We moved into this huge house, expecting and wanting more kids. But...unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be." Dan took a breath after saying that. "We have more than enough space for you and your boys over here, it wouldn't even be an inconvenience." 

Jordan was left in utter gratefulness. The tears dried around his eyes, his mouth hanging slightly open, knowing what to say, but unable to speak. His breath seemed lost, not believing what Dan was suggesting. He was saving him from the destruction his life not only followed, but led. He was being taken away from the stress due to the divorce, being laid off, the absence of money, the pain of trying to be a good father, the fear of losing his home. 

And it was being replaced. 

With a roof over his head to which he would soon call home. He would finally be able to repair the bonds with his sons. He wouldn't need to worry about money, he wouldn't have to stress about finding a job so soon. And, he wouldn't have to worry about moving on from Monica. He now knew it himself, he was in love with Daniel Gidlow.

"Thank you, Daniel..." Jordan whispered, keeping his sobs from growing hectic. "You're doing so much for us...I owe you everything..." His tears were changing into ones of joy, his depression being turned around by Dan's altruism. He just couldn't wait until he saw his face again...

...his adorable face...

"You don't owe me a thing, Jordan." Dan told him, just wanting to be there with him and hold him close. Jordan hadn't felt love in so long, his marriage left a scar on him and his sons constantly reminded him of it. All Dan wanted was for Jordan to smile again, and by doing that he would be able to show his love. He cared for Jordan in a way no one else had, with all his heart. Ever since he laid eyes on him, Dan thought Jordan was beautiful.

All he wished to do was to show him that.

"How about you text me your address tomorrow, and I'll head over and...help you pack?" Dan wondered, feeling Jordan grin from the other end of the line. He couldn't help, but beam himself.

"That's sounds great." Jordan accepted, his voice still somewhat choked up. "I'll see you tomorrow." He was about to depart before he was reluctant to pull the phone away. There was one thing he still wanted to say, he didn't know how he would put it, but he wanted to say it nonetheless. "Dan?"

"Yeah?" 

He opened his mouth, wanting to say those three words. I love you. But...he shied out last minute, afraid of what Dan might say. He might like him as a friend, but...there might not have been anything more. "I'm really glad I met you, Dan." He said instead, at least it was something of the truth.

Dan chuckled lightly, absolutely in love with Jordan's demure. "I'm happy I met you." He replied, his words coming from the bottom of his heart. "Bye, Jordan." He was hesitant to hang up, sighing to himself once he did. Dan wanted to stay on that line just a little longer, just to hear his voice for a second more, to make him smile one last time before that line was cut.

He just wanted Jordan.

He had felt this way with Liz at one point in his life, feeling light on his feet just by the sight of her. But, what happened happened, and it being the time it had, Liz would want Dan to move on. And he was beginning to. That way he felt with Liz was the same way he felt about Jordan. All smiles by the sound of his voice, uncontrolled blush just by a glance at him, his heart beating a tad bit quicker just by a thought of him.

He cared for Jordan. He loved Jordan. 

He couldn't wait to see Jordan tomorrow.

"Bye, Dan." Jordan replied before he heard the line go dead. He sighed to himself, wiping at his eyes as he smiled with relief. He wasn't completely lost, he had been found. He thought stepping into the bar that night would be a mistake, an act of desperation to say the least. But, it turned out to be the first right he had made. Because of that, he had met Dan.

The man who had saved his world from ending.

He giggled at that.

He lifted his head up as he heard the sound of light footsteps enter the kitchen followed by a small yawn. He grinned at the sight of Dex stumbling into the room, rubbing at his eyes as he pulled his pajama shirt down. He opened his sleepy eyes fully, it was many hours passed his bedtime as it was nearing eleven.

"Dad?" He asked quietly, nearing his father at the kitchen island. "Are you okay?" He questioned, seeing his father's eyes and feeling worried.

Jordan sighed happily as he nodded, picking his son up and placing him onto his lap. As much as Dex listened and followed Seamus about what he had to say to Jordan, he still had Jordan in his heart. He was his father for God's sake, he still cared about him no matter what Seamus said nor what he believed.

"Is everything going to be okay?" He wondered, looking up at his father through tired eyes. Jordan looked down smiling, placing a kiss on his son's forehead.

"Yeah..." He whispered. "I think everything's going to be alright."  
**********

"Is Jordan nice?" Kevin asked his father, paying more attention to his father than the television. Dan chuckled as he placed his phone back in his pocket, smiling at his youngest. 

He nodded. "Jordan is one of the nicest people I know." Dan answered, making his way to the closet and pulling out a light jacket, considering it was the beginning of summer.

"Is Jordan funny?" Kevin asked again, placing his juice box onto the coffee table.

Dan closed the closet. "I do like his sense of humor, yes." He slipped one arm into a sleeve.

"Is Jordan smart?" 

Dan giggled, placing his other arm into the second sleeve. "I would assume he is."

"Is Jordan pretty, Dad?" Spencer teased, taking a seat next between Kevin and Joe on the couch.

"Are you in love with him?" Joe added, pausing his videogame as he snickered.

"Are you going to marry him?" Spencer joined.

"Will Jordan be our new dad?" Joe tagged.

"Stop it, both of you." Dan laughed as spoke, pulling out his car keys as he smiled at his son's playful banter. 

"But do you find Jordan pretty dad?" James asked from the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of lemonade. Dan looked at him from across the room, all eyes on him.

He shrugged, looking back down at his keys as a distraction. "I guess." He vaguely describe, leaving Kevin smiling and the twins in a fit of supportive laughter. Yet, James really wasn't on the same page. He was proud of his dad for being able to move on when he couldn't even himself.

James still missed his mom, the many times they spent together just turning into fading memories. He didn't want anyone to replace her because no one really could. No one could be Liz Gidlow. And the thought of someone trying to fill her spot upset James greatly. Yet, he didn't tell anyone. Whenever he spoke of his mother, he'd break down crying, crying was something he never liked to do. 

So, he never talked about her.

And as much as it solved problems, it caused a bit more.

"Alright, I'll be back, I'm going to help Jordan and his boys pack. You guys be good when I'm gone, alright?" He clarified, all of the boys nodding their heads. "And please, treat Jordan, Seamus, Dexter, and Aleks with respect. They've already been through a lot." He vaguely described, not wanting to go into detail. Especially with Kevin in the room.

"Bye dad!"

"See ya!"

"Love you!"

"Drive safely!"

That last one from Spencer always got him.

He shut the door, unlocking his car from afar. He opened the door and sat in the seat, smiling as he typed Jordan's address into his GPS. Although he had it memorized, the information wouldn't be needed. That wouldn't be Jordan's home anymore.

His home was with Dan.  
*********  
"Moving?!?"

Seamus stared at his father in disbelief, slightly angered at this sudden change in his life. Jordan had never mentioned the thought of moving before, and to suddenly spring it onto the boys now frustrated Seamus even more. Seamus had waken up to Jordan packing away his clothes, the action both frightening him and concerning him.

"Moving? Why are we moving?!? Weren't you going to ask us about how we felt about this?!?" Seamus yelled, feeling even more hatred come about for his father. It only started when he was informed on the divorce, when Monica and Jordan sat them down and told them. He had heard that Jordan had filed for it during one of their arguments, Dex being a heavy sleeper and not hearing a thing, and Aleks covering his ears, hiding under the blanket.

Jordan had filed for divorce due to Monica not being there as a mother. Seamus agreed that his mother was out a bit too often, but that was her job. She was a consultant, traveling state to state, helping businesses, her job hadn't really picked up until recently. Besides, even though she wasn't around for most of his teenage years, Dex's growing up, and Aleks' addition to the family, she was more of a parent than Jordan.

Monica supplied enough money for the family, but Jordan must have been to blind to see that. Seamus didn't mind watching over Dex and Aleks, but did understand Jordan's need for a full family. Yet, just because it was difficult to make things work, doesn't mean it had to end in divorce. Seamus never could have been more appalled by his dad's action, even more disgruntled about the immediate fall of his life afterwards.

He let his resentment towards his dad take over, making him fall away from the excuse of a family. Each week something new happened, something to upset Seamus just a bit more. The court ordered for Jordan to have responsibility of the boys. The four had to find a new place to stay. Bills were beginning to pile up in the mail. Jordan soon lost his job.

And now they were moving.

Too many things were happening in Seamus' life, too many things he shouldn't have to deal with.

"Where the hell are we going anyway? It's not like you can afford anywhere else!" Seamus raised his voice even louder, metaphorical steam rising from the top of his head.

"Seamus, please, watch your language." Jordan warned him, helping Dex place a box onto the couch. "And my friend Dan is letting us stay with him, he says his house is big enough." Jordan explained, taping up the box as Dex tried dragging over another. "Dex, be careful, that's heavy. Let-Let me get that." He told his son as he lifted the box from the floor.

"Dan? Who's 'your friend' Dan?" Seamus interrogated, keeping his eyes locked on his father.

Jordan sighed, getting a bit tired of Seamus' attitude as of late. "I met him the bar." He mumbled, letting Dex write on the boxes of what was inside. His handwriting was sloppy, but legible.

Seamus reached an epiphany. "Wait. The bar last week? We're living with a guy you met a week back?!? That's pathetic!" He fought, his mind clouded as all he could feel was flustered.

Jordan let go of a breath, walking over towards Seamus and kneeling down in front of him as he sat in a chair, having not the most private conversation. "Seamus, you may think of it that way, but I've learned a lot about Dan. He's not a stranger, he's the best friend that I could ever have." Jordan explained, his son's blue eyes looking like his own. "I'm sorry that everything isn't working out as you planned it, as I planned it. But, things are going to be okay, Dan said if I ever needed any help, to call him. This is him helping."

Seamus could see Jordan's eyes begging for Seamus' compliance. "Why would you need help finding a place to stay?" Seamus honestly asked, yet his anger coated his words, making them sound meaner than he had intended.

Jordan bit his lip, not wanting to lie to Seamus. Yet, the truth was equally as hurting. "Because it was either this or a foster home Seamus." Jordan concluded, keeping his voice low in order for his others sons to not hear. He didn't want to frighten Aleks or worry Dex. 

Seamus let go of a breath at the truth, his gaze slowly falling away from his father's. "I would've picked the foster home." Seamus mumbled, but the words made their way into Jordan's heart, cracking it from the inside. Seamus stood up from his seat, making his way to help Aleks carry a box from his room.

Jordan swallowed, needing to keep his composure in front of his boys. He knew Seamus would be hurt by this, even expecting lash or two from him. But, it always hurt worse than he thought. "Does Dan have kids?" Aleks asked, his words causing Jordan to fall back into reality. He turned around, sitting on the floor as he smiled, Aleks shyly smiling back.

"He does, actually. Four, to be exact." Aleks giggled at that. "He has a son your age, his name's James. He said he's very funny, I'm sure you two will get along." Aleks beamed at that as he wrapped his arms around his dad, hugging him closely as Jordan continued. He turned towards Dex as he spoke, tousling his hair that was in need of a trimming. "He has a ten year old, too. Kevin. He sounds like a pretty sweet kid, likes to play videogames." He mentioned, making Dex smile at that.

He looked across the room at Seamus who was taping another box closed, his eyes aimed away from Jordan entirely. "You won't be alone either, Seamus." He spoke a bit louder to gain his attention. "He has two boys, twins, both fourteen, named Spencer and Joe." Seamus glanced up at that, seeing Jordan begging for Seamus to stop fighting him. "They sound like really amazing kids, so please...just give them a chance." 

Seamus sighed, his eyes remaining on Jordan's for a short while before returning to the box. "And I want you to treat them nicely, you hear? We're guests, I want you to be polite to them." His words were mainly directed towards his eldest as he removed the twelve year old from their embrace while standing up.

They all turned their heads at the sound of a car pulling in to their driveway.

"I'll be right back boys, keep packing in the meantime please." Jordan instructed, making his way to the front door and stepping outside. A blue van resided in their drive way, the engine rumbling before ending thereafter. Jordan smiled at the interior, must have been his wife's repaired after the crash. Understandable, something to remember her and able to chauffer four kids around.

But his smile grew wider as the driver stepped out.

Dan was a bit timid with seeing Jordan again, needing to cover up his feelings as he didn't know how Jordan felt. Yet, when looking up from the ground after exiting the car, he couldn't hold back his smile. It seemed like an eternity since he had seen the man with azure eyes, yet it had only been a week since seeing his face. Not even twenty four hours since hearing his calming voice.

And Jordan couldn't prevent his smile from spreading either.

Yet, when seeing Dan again, it made him remember what he had done for his family. He himself had gained a friend, a friend who was trustworthy and would always be there for support. He had given Jordan some money to last him for awhile, to buy needed items for his sons. Now, he was supplying a new home for them, a new life almost, with no worries or scares in every corner. All of this from one single person. 

Jordan felt tears come on.

He bit his lip to try and restrain them as Dan made his way up the drive, and as Dan neared, he could see Jordan on the brink of crying. "Oh, hey...hey." He whispered in a comforting tone as he walked a little faster, meeting Jordan near the house and placing him in a hug immediately. Dan held him as close as he wished to last night, but the distance between them made it impossible. But, he had this moment now, and he couldn't have been more grateful.

Jordan responded with no words, but only an action. Holding Dan back. This was the most comfort he had ever received in quite some time, a simple hug meaning the world to him. It calmed him down, it stopped the tears, it made his heart melt. Just by the touch. He was appreciative to have someone like Dan in his life. Even more thankful to have Dan. It felt nice to be taken care of, to be saved, to be helped.

Dan pulled away shortly after, looking straight into Jordan's wonderful eyes. "How have you been?" Dan wondered, the two smiling, both missing the other's. Jordan let go of a breath before answering, dropping his eyes down.

"Better." He admitted, shyly taking another glance into Dan's orbs of lightly shining chocolate. "It's really great to see you again." He noted, Dan nodding his head in agreement as his smile turned into a beam rather than a timid simper. "Well, let's get inside. There's a lot of boxes needing to be moved." The two chuckled at that as they started to make their way towards the front door. "I'll introduce you to my sons, they've been curious about you." Mainly referring to the questions asked by Dex and Aleks, Seamus wasn't too thrilled on the other hand.

"My boys have been too about you, asking all sorts of questions." Jordan laughed at that, placing his hand on the brass handle of the door. "Is he funny? Is he smart? Is he nice?" He mimicked them, the two smiling at that.

"I can't wait to meet them." Jordan informed the other, holding the door open for him as Dan made his way inside. Jordan led Dan to the living room where the three boys were packing, Seamus carrying another box for Dex as he helped Aleks tape another.

"Boys?" Jordan called to them, all turning their heads towards direction to which their father called from. The two stopped as they met the living room, Jordan introducing his friend. "Boys, this is Dan. He's going to be letting us stay with him for a little while. Dan, this is Seamus, Aleks, and Dexter." He gestured to each in the order named, Dan saying hello to them.

"Hello." Dex greeted him, the man seeming friendlier than he had first thought. He had a kind face, one Dex smiled at in return. Maybe Seamus was wrong, things did seem pretty good at the moment. They were moving to a big house with other kids and a friend of his dad's that seemed really nice. Dex was looking forward to the future.

"Hi." Aleks shyly said, he was never good with meeting new people. He had been farouche all his life, the blame is mainly on...life before... But, there was something about Dan that Aleks liked, he wasn't so afraid of him. It could have been his voice, or his smile, or his sweetness towards others. Whatever it being, Aleks enjoyed having Dan around. He wasn't usually open to change, but moving in with Dan and his family seemed amazing.

"Hey." Seamus replied, nodding his head at Dan. For a guy that his dad had met only a week ago, Dan seemed pretty alright. He still wasn't a fan of moving out and in so suddenly, but maybe living with Dan wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Yet, it was only a maybe, maybe's were casual in Seamus' life. Maybe his dad would find some way to get money. Maybe the bills would finally be paid. Maybe things would be okay in the end.

Yet, his maybe's always turned into never's.

"Looks like you guys have everything done." Dan noted, looking at the boxes placed on and around the couch. Jordan snickered slightly, motioning for Dan to follow. 

"There's a few more boxes in the hallway, follow me." He directed as Dan obeyed, making his way past a corner, up the stairs and into the hallways with five boxes, none too heavy. 

"Your sons are beautiful." Dan complimented, lifting up a box labeled 'Aleks' on the side in red marker. Jordan looked up at that, Dan being one of the most tenderhearted people he could have ever come across.

"Thank you." He thanked, finding a box of his own things and taping it closed.

Downstairs, Aleks finished taping the last box as he looked back upstairs to where Dan and Jordan had gone. "I like Dan." He stated, feeling himself smile. "He seems really nice, it's going to be fun living with him." Dex smiled in agreement as they both looked to Seamus who had his phone in his hands.

"Don't get your hopes up, Aleksandr." Seamus told him, locking his phone and turning back to his brother. "Everytime dad says things are going to be alright, it all turns to shit." Aleks cringed at that word, he never liked cursing and didn't necessarily enjoy others doing it to, near, or at him. Dex had learned to ignore it, not paying any mind to it as their dad didn't allowing swears.

"But, Dan does seem friendly. What could go wrong?" Dex supported his brother, trying to get a true answer out of Seamus. His eldest brother sighed, locking eyes with Dex as they sat across from each other on the cluttered couch.

"Mom was really nice. She was sweet, friendly, outgoing." He paused. "But you know what happened between her and dad." Aleks and Dex looked down, knowing all too well of what happened. Seamus looked back up towards the staircase, hearing the two fathers making conversation.

"And this is going to be exactly the same."


	5. Chapter 5

"Boys, this is Jordan and his sons Seamus, Dexter, and Aleks." Dan introduced the boys to his own, all standing in the living room once they had arrived home. "And this is Spencer, James, Joe, and Kevin." He introduced his sons, all of them smiling except for James who wore an uneasy grin.  
"You guys just make yourselves at home, I'm going to help your dad unpack." Dan told Seamus and his brothers as he made his way towards the exit with Jordan. He turned around a last time, giving a message for his kids. "Boys, why don't you show them where their rooms are?" He suggested, wanting the ice to be broken between the children.  
"Well, come on, we'll show you around!" Spencer told them, motioning for them to follow. All were either a bit nervous or uneager, but soon followed the giddy teen up the stairs with his brothers.  
"This is our room right here." Spencer pointed to an ajar door, referring to Joe and himself as they led Seamus down the hallway. Seamus took a look inside of the room, everything seeming to be moving too quickly for his liking. Bunk beds?, Seamus thought to himself as he rolled his eyes, I thought they were fourteen. Yet, he kept his mouth shut as he continued on, stopping at a door two down from theirs, in between being a closet.  
"This is going to be your room." Joe explained as he opened the door revealing a mid sized room, walls painted a light, sea foam green. There was a bed on the left hand side of the room, the head board dead center. There was a dresser on the other side, drawers presumably empty as a mirror hung above it, reflecting the made bed. The window shone a bright beam into the room, the curtains not necessarily doing their job.  
As much as he didn't mind the set up of the room, it didn't feel like his room. Not his room back at the old place, his room when Monica was still around.  
The walls painted blue, his mom would say it brought out his eyes. His bed in the far corner, clothes scattered across the floor as he wouldn't feel like picking them up. His closet always open filled with videogames and random items he'd somehow collect. His tv on his small dresser, his nightstand hosting multiple empty water bottles, an empty fish tank near his door that he had been meaning to take out due to his fishes untimely demise. That was his room to himself.  
This just felt like...a room.  
"It was our guest room, but...we didn't have that many guests." Joe and Spencer laughed at that, Seamus chuckling only slightly as he placed his bag of daily necessities down on the bed. "You can put your clothes in the drawers when you get your boxes, just make yourself comfortable." Spencer told him, leaning against the bureau.   
Seamus nodded at that, trying his best to forge a smile. He didn't want to come off as rude, but all he really wanted was to be by himself. He was his own best friend, and as much as it sounded selfish, it was only because he had no one else. He wasn't so popular back in school, so moving away from them wasn't much of a deal. He still had his brothers, which he was secretly thankful for. But, he knew Aleks didn't like it when Seamus was having another of his moments, and Dex just agreed with him without understanding the full reason.  
So technically...he was alone.  
But, he had gotten used to it, the silence being a regular aspect in his life.  
"So, your dad says you like videogames." Joe brought up, trying his best to bond with Seamus, although it already seemed rather difficult. Seamus shrugged as he nodded, not being one for small talk. "Well, we have a lot here if you'd want to sit down and play sometime. Mario Kart, Assassins' Creed, Grand Theft Auto. Our dad's actually working on a videogame. 'Shameful' I think that's what it's called."   
"Sounds pretty cool." Seamus commented, both needing the conversation to go farther, and wanting to to just end as is. Unfortunately, the second yearn took the lead. "So, um...I'm going to see if-if our dads need any help unpacking." He told them, giving a quick excuse to be left alone.  
The twins looked at one another, both nodding their heads as Seamus started to make his way out of the room. "If you need anything, just ask." Joe informed him as Seamus dipped his head, letting them know he understood as he walked out into the hallway. The two looked in the way Seamus had left, Seamus' first impression not being that stable.  
Joe shook his head as he watched Seamus make his way back down the stairs, not sure on how he felt about him. There was something about him that didn't pass him off as the friendly type. Maybe it was his forced smile, or his lack of interest towards others, or his rude departure to do something he wouldn't normally just to feel his escape. Seamus hadn't set himself off on the right foot with Joe, which wasn't a good start considering they now lived together.  
"Just give him some time, Joe. He hasn't even been here a full day yet, he's getting used to everything." Spencer stood next to his brother as Joe looked away from the stairs. "I'm sure he's a nice kid." He said, smiling to keep Joe from thinking otherwise. Joe sighed as he stared back towards the stairs, trying to believe Spencer's words as he heard various chit chat from the others.  
"I hope your right, Spence." He mumbled, making his way out of the room and to the kitchen, his brother following.  
••••••••••  
Dex followed Kevin down the hall, turning right and into a room immediately after to the left. Kevin was very fond of having a new friend, happy to show him around and introduce to him all of the rooms. He liked Dex, glad that he had come to their house. He looked forward to playing videogames with him, sitting with him at the dinner table, late night whispers to not keep their parents or brothers awake.  
To Kevin, Dex felt like a brother. A new addition to his family.  
"This is my room. Well, our room." Kevin explained, flicking on the lights to reveal a room that was much bigger than Dex's old one. The walls were a light blue, the exact shade of a robin's egg. There were two beds adjacent to one another, each almost identical except for a plaid blanket on the right bed, a striped one on the left. There was a window in the middle of the two along with a nightstand below it.  
"The striped bed is yours. That used to be James' when we shared a room, but he got his own room when he turned ten." Kevin explained, pushing aside his mess of Legos on his side of the room. Dex walked over to his new bed, placing his small carry on bag onto it as he sat. He looked around the room, smiling at everything, thinking a new life here would be nice. Yet, Seamus' words lingered about how this was going to end exactly like his parents' marriage.  
He didn't want to believe it, but based on his past experiences, that was all he could do.  
"Your brothers seem nice." Dex commented, trying to make both himself and Kevin comfortable. Kevin smiled widely as he nodded, the excitement of the ten year old overpowering.  
"Yeah, they really are!" He answered, causing Dex have a little chuckle of his own. "They're really funny too, you should see them at dinner!" The two smiled at that, but Dex was a bit envious on the inside. His family seemed...perfect. Their father knew that he was loved whereas his kept getting hurt. His brothers had a great relationship with one another as his brothers barely looked at each other in the eye. He wanted Kevin's family.  
He didn't want his.  
"And they've all been really helpful to my dad about my mom. And that's really sweet of them." Kevin concluded, being at the absent minded age he is, not believing that questions of his mom would be asked. Yet, the curious mind of Dex wanted to know more.  
"What happened to your mom?" Dex wondered, believing it to be a story similar to his own, a divorce. But, that was far from the case. Kevin looked at Dex before aiming his head down, his smile fading slowly then altogether. The death of his mom still upset him to this very day, just remembering the last moment he spent with her before she went off to pick up Spencer.  
In the last car ride of her life.  
Kevin began to tear up leaving Dex confused, he just asked a simple question in his mind. But, to Kevin, it was the highlight of his childhood. He felt his breathing become minorly unsteady, the way it usually would before an asthma attack. He tried his best to control it, closing his eyes. Dex noticed Kevin's hand seem to want to be grabbing something on the nightstand, but ended up clutching the blanket instead.  
"I'm sorry, it's-it's okay, Kevin." Dex tried to calm him down, jumping down from his bed and over next to Kevin. "It's alright, I didn't mean to make you upset. Please, Kevin, don't be sad. I'm sorry." He explained, resting a hand on Kevin's back as he took a breath. He didn't understand why Kevin had reacted that way, but all he knew was that he didn't want to see him that way.  
"Here, uh," He looked around the room, his eyes meeting something to help take their minds off of everything, "why don't we go build something with your Legos? Sounds like fun to me." He suggested, Kevin opening his eyes as the other spoke. He turned his head towards the Legos then to Dex, smiling at the idea.  
"That does sound fun." Kevin agreed quietly, slowly making his way off of the bed. He sniffled, rubbing at his eyes to control himself before taking a deep breath. "There's more in the closet, I'll go get them." Kevin told him, walking across the room and opening the two door closet.  
As Dex waited, he looked over to where Kevin was trying to grab for something, yet he stopped himself. He drew his attention to the nightstand, an object resting on it that was familiar to him. An inhaler. He only knew of one because it reminded him of a kid that went to his school. Steven, Dex remembered his name to be. He had an inhaler with him, he had trouble breathing at times. And, because of that, he was picked on.  
Dex wouldn't be the one to do it, he was only a bystander, watching it from afar. Yet, he wouldn't stop it from happening. They'd call Steven names, laugh at him, play games of keep away with his inhaler. They'd push him, yell at him, tease him. The poor kid was always in tears. But, Dex never did anything to stop it because...Steven was a nerd. A dork. An outcast. He didn't stop he bullying because he thought Steven deserved it. Even though he didn't do anything to hurt Steven directly, not doing anything hurt him even worse.  
All because he had asthma.   
"Here we go!" Kevin announced, sliding a container of Legos out of his closet and turning to Dex, still wiping at his eyes briefly. Dex made his way off of the bed and onto the floor with Kevin, beginning to build with him. But all the while, Dex kept wondering if Kevin was just another Steven.  
Yet, Kevin wasn't alone. Aleks, too, was a bit nervous from time to time, having his own fears that seemed as if they would never go away. Not only did they have that in common already, but the other didn't appreciate their being here as well. As much as Dex was unsure of how he felt about Kevin, James wasn't too fond of his roommate either.  
"This is our room now, I guess." James explained with a bland manner, pushing the door open as Aleks shyly followed, his bag draped over his shoulder and held closely by his hands. As much as the room was nice and colorful, it reminded him too much of his room. Not back at the last place, not when he was first adopted. His first room with his real...'family'.  
The walls were painted the same color of dark blue, a bit lighter than denim. The closet was in the same place as it was, the upper left hand corner of the room, it almost feeling like déjà vu as James' closet was also a sliding door. There was a long dresser next to it, mahogany brown as the edge of it almost met the second wall. It was covered in dishes and toys, games and garbage. But, Aleks didn't mind. He wasn't the tidiest person either.  
"That's your bed there." James pointed to the bed a few feet away from the door, it being the only nicely made thing in the room. "It was the bed in one of the guest bedrooms, but they moved it into here for you." James explained, taking a seat on the edge of his bed which was across the room from Aleks'. He looked at Aleks from his spot as he placed his bag onto the bed, a bit sheepish with his action.  
Aleks was odd to him. He didn't speak much, but that was only because he had a fear of meeting new people. When coming home with Jordan and Monica, he rarely spoke, both being lucky to get more than three words out of him at a time. He just needed time to adjust to the new scene, but unfortunately, James didn't know that. Which is why he jumped to conclusions on Aleks, but frankly that was unlike him.   
He felt as if he were reverting back to his old self.  
Aleks seemed shy. Aleks seemed nervous. Aleks seemed...weird. He wasn't one for talking, only a few words, a nodding or shaking of his head, and small smiles. Perhaps a shoulder shrug here and there. When talking with his dad, Dan made it seem like Aleks was this spectacular kid, social, happy-go-lucky, talkative. Actually, he was the complete opposite.  
Unpopular. Anxious. Quiet.  
Aspects a kid like James wouldn't normally get along with.  
Yet, Aleks was beginning to take a liking to James. He seemed friendly enough, and he did carry the funny personality Jordan claimed. He was nicer than what he had imagined, except for the memory of the room. But, Aleks knew he would be alright. He wasn't alone in this room while fearing for each moment he didn't feel safe. He had James and a nice new family that he could get used to.  
"So...sorry I didn't really clean the room up." James stated, gesturing to the floor covered in clothes. "I'm not one for cleaning."  
"That's alright." Aleks told him, the first time he had heard him speak. His voice itself was rather low, a whisper almost. "I don't really like cleaning too much either." Aleks giggled under his breath as James smiled.  
It was a start.  
***********  
"Thank you again for everything, Dan." Jordan praised, mixing the mashed potatoes a last time before turning the heat off on the burner. Dan chuckled as he set the table, the two looking at each other from across the room. The two were preparing dinner, the first dinner shared in the house.  
"You need to stop thanking me. It's was no problem at all." Dan told him, setting down the last plate before making his way back to the kitchen. "The boys seem to be getting along, that's a relief." Dan stated, noting that they've been together in their rooms for a majority of the day.  
"I'm glad about that, nice to see them getting along. I know it wouldn't be the easiest of things." Jordan added, lifting up the pot of mashed potatoes to the table, placing a little on each of the nine plates. "I think Aleks is settling in nicely. He's had so much moving to do, that poor kid." He chuckled lightly at that. From his birth parents' house, to foster homes, to Monica and Jordan's, to just Jordan's, and now here.   
What was here exactly? Dan's? Dan's and Jordan's? The Gidlow residence? The Gidlow-Mathewson residence? He wasn't sure what to call it, but one name fit nicely for now. Home.  
"Kevin too. He's usually really shy towards other people, but he didn't even seem the slightest bit when meeting Dex." Dan continued, carving a piece of honey glazed ham and placing it onto the nearest plate. "James seemed curious about Aleks, as well. I think they're going to be great friends." He placed a second piece with the first before moving onto the next plate.  
"Dex was asking a lot of questions about Kevin during the trip over, you're lucky you weren't in there." Dan chuckled at that, Jordan smiling shyly as he loved the sound. "'What kind of videogames does Kevin like?' 'What else does he like to do?' 'Do you think he likes cooking?'" Jordan mimicked him, answering all the questions to the best of his advantage in the car. Aleks smiling at Dex's wonder, and Seamus looking like Monica five years ago.  
"I wonder how Seamus is doing." Jordan thought aloud, finishing up with the mashed potatoes and moving onto placing a spoonful of peas on each plate. "I hope he isn't being too much for Spencer and Joe." He wished, although he knew it would most likely remain as a wish.  
"Oh, don't worry. Joe and Spencer are the sweetest kids I know, even I can't stay mad at them for long. They do some pretty stupid and angering things though." Jordan looked at him needing to hear more, not believing his ears. "They've played Frisbee inside, one time when they were younger, they wanted to tie-dye one of my shirts, so they painted it." Jordan snickered at that. "They have these random throwing wars, Spencer dared Joe to drink from the toilet once, then Joe dared Spencer to lick a smashed bug on the window. They're insane.  
"But, they're my sons and I love them. Seamus will come around to them. Next thing you know, he'll be drinking balsamic vinegar while Joe and Spencer videotape it." The two laughed at that, just about completed preparing the food. They both couldn't wait for dinner, having everyone together at the table.  
They both grinned at the idea.  
"So...did Spencer actually lick the dead bug?" Jordan wondered, snickering while he asked.  
"Do you think I would bring it up if he didn't?" Dan answered with a question, Jordan bursting into a fit of laughter as he placed the two empty pots into the sink to wash later. "Boys! Dinner!" Dan called to them, pouring a small glass of milk for himself before he heard footsteps make their way down the stairs and towards the kitchen.  
"It's my favorite!" Kevin announced, rushing into the room and immediately taking a seat. Jordan giggled at the enthusiasm he owned, how he missed it when Seamus was that age. Excited about everything, always wanting to go outside no matter what weather, energetic and full of smiles. He missed that kid. But, maybe with this time to relax, he'd be able to meet that kid again and see how much he's grown.  
"Don't eat it all already." James teased, taking a seat next to his brother, smiling somewhat when Aleks shyly took a seat next to him. Aleks looked up to see his dad making his way to the table, meeting his son's gaze and grinning. Aleks couldn't help but do the same as the others filed in, taking whatever seats were available.   
Dex walked in rather casually, understanding that he should feel comfortable here. This was his home now after all. Spencer and Joe raced one another, Spencer slipping with his socks causing Joe to win. Seamus, who figured that it was polite to eat at the table, walked in a little later. He didn't meet eyes with anyone as he kept his gaze at the ground, taking a seat in between Joe and Dex.  
"You boys move in alright?" Dan asked them, taking a seat at the head of the table with Jordan and Spencer on either side. His question was directed to Jordan's sons, Seamus simply nodding, Aleks' answer fairly quiet, and Dex being enthusiastically honest. "I'm glad about that, I hope you guys don't mind sharing rooms."   
"I don't mind. I think it's kind of fun." Kevin informed him, smiling widely as Dex agreed.  
"It's okay. I've had to share a room with that one before." James pointed across the table to Kevin. "He was really gassy, watch out." He jokingly warned Dex, the entire table chuckling, Seamus smiling a little.   
"No! That was you! You fart a lot when you eat garlic bread and you ate a lot on purpose that night." Kevin fought, swallowing a spoonful of potatoes. "Don't let him have garlic bread, you'll die." Kevin informed Aleks who was holding back his laughter.   
"And broccoli doesn't do it for you?" Joe added in, smiling in amusement. "Dad, we should have broccoli tomorrow, prove Kevin wrong." He informed his dad, his little brother sticking his tongue out before taking another scoop from his plate.  
"You have a point, but I don't want to torture them. They just got here." Dan reminded, referring to Jordan and his sons.  
"How long are you guys going to be here?" James wondered, taking a sip from his glass after speaking.   
Jordan shrugged his shoulders, unsure of a definite answer. "I, uh, I'm not really sure. Maybe just a little while, I don't really-" Jordan was cut off.  
"As long as they need." Dan replied, Jordan hearing the words and turning to face the man seated beside him. "As long as you need." Dan repeated, this time directly towards him. Jordan smiled at that, a gesture of thanks as Dan beamed back.  
"Maybe you guys could stay here. I mean, like, live here." Spencer suggested, Jordan appreciating his unselfish manner. He got that from his father. "I, for one, wouldn't mind you staying here. I mean, you and my dad are great friends. And, I wouldn't really mind you guys either." He met eyes with first Seamus, then Dex, and lastly Aleks. "It feels like I have three new brothers."  
"It's like we're a family." Seamus spoke up, his words coming off as positive, but had hidden depth within them. Hidden depth that became clear once meeting eyes with Jordan. A family. The one thing Jordan always wanted. The missing pieces of the puzzle to be replaced, to be found, to be whole. Because, to Seamus, Jordan's three sons didn't cut it. That's what Jordan saw in his son's crystal blue eyes.  
Frankly, it hurt.  
"Are we a family?" Kevin wondered, looking at his father and Jordan with innocent eyes. The two nervously laughed, looking at one another before looking down or away. Being a family meant that the parents were in love, love being something they felt towards one another, but didn't admit, leaving the other clueless.  
"I, uh, I-I..." Dan was the one unsure now, feeling his face turn light pink as he kept his eyes aimed at his plate.  
"I would say we are. Sort of." Jordan replied, himself and Dan catching one another in a shy glance. Jordan looked away, looking up into Seamus' flustered eyes before staring away completely.   
A family.  
It being a question. It being a wonder. It being a possibility.  
********  
Seamus closed his door, turning back around in a room he refused to call his own. He wanted a breakaway from his derogatory life, but he only met more frustration once meeting the Gidlow's. He shut off the light as he sighed, not wanting to be here. Not wanting to be a part of this so called 'family'.  
The minute the Mathewson's weren't a family anymore was when Monica left. But, it was more of Jordan's fault than anything. Monica didn't ask to be divorced, but Seamus was a bit disappointed in her with agreeing to sign the papers. Yet, if he were Monica, he'd be happy to get away from Jordan by any means.  
But, now he couldn't. He had to deal with him under a different roof, his brothers along with him as well as five practical strangers. He laid down in his bed, staring up at the dim ceiling as he let each one run through his mind. Dan seemed pretty courteous, he was letting four people stay at his house after all. He didn't mind him that much, actually preferring him over his own father.  
His sons were what he had issues with.  
Spencer. An annoying kid by Seamus' opinion. Perhaps he needed a little growing up to do. Something that he felt that he was going to end up doing for Spencer, willingly or not. His bet was on 'the not'. He'd have to deal with him nonetheless. Each of his brothers had a friend of their age, Aleks with James and Dex with Kevin. And he had to be stuck with the two fourteen year olds he knew who would be the death of him.  
Especially his brother Joe.  
He seemed as if he could be a nice kid, but there was something in Joe's eyes that Seamus sneered at. Adjudgement. Of what, Seamus wasn't too patient to hear about. Maybe he thought Seamus was weird, a reject just based on his quietness and looks. Maybe he believed Seamus to be one to put others down, someone with their own pain to inflict on others in certain ways. Maybe he saw him as trouble, never being able to get out of it.   
And whatever it was, Seamus wouldn't deny it.  
Because he knew, deep down, that was what he was.  
•••••••••  
"Ready to turn the light out?" Dex wondered, making his way off of his bed and towards the light switch across the room.   
"Hold on." Kevin told him as he leaned over to the side of his bed, placing something in the outlet. Kevin turned on the switch to his nightlight, a bit afraid to turn out the lights without it. His fear of the dark really picked up once Liz was gone, him believing that bad things took her away. And those same bad things hid in the shadows of his room, wanting to take him away when the lights went off.  
"What's that?" Dex wondered when Kevin rested back into his bed, pointing to the glowing object beside him. "Is that a nightlight?" Dex asked with a laugh, understanding that it was.  
"Is that okay?" Kevin wondered, sitting up from his bed. He stared at Dex guiltlessly, doing all, but ignoring the snicker with his words. Not a playful snicker with encouragement, the type of snicker used when ridiculing another. Kevin felt upset by that.  
Dex stared at Kevin, then the light next to him, a smug smile on his face as he shook his head. "Yeah, it's fine." Dex teased, shutting off the light and finding his way back to his bed. He decided not to make a big fuss about it now, he was quite exhausted, him knowing Kevin was, too.  
Kevin watched as Dex made his way back to the confides of warmth and softness, burrowing into the blankets and nuzzling his head against the pillow. He laid down himself, trying to pass off Dex's comments as just jokes, fooling around as a friend would. He sighed, closing his eyes.   
"Goodnight, Dex." He whispered, but Dex was able to hear his words since their beds were approximately five feet away from each other.  
"Night ne-" He cut himself off. "Night Kevin." He mumbled back, turning onto his other side.  
Kevin frowned, his heart feeling hurt.  
Nerd.  
Dex was going to say...nerd.  
•••••••••  
"Just give him a chance Joe." Spencer told his twin after crawling into his bottom bunk of the leveled beds. "Like I said, he just moved in. Let Seamus adjust, and then he'll come around." He explained, throwing the blankets on top of himself as he heard his brother shift around above him.  
"I know that, but I'm not sure about him. There was this...look he gave his dad at dinner. I'm just going off of what I saw, but I don't think him and his father get along that well." Joe explained, making sure to keep his voice down low. "And based on how nice Jordan is, I think it's Seamus. I don't want to get off on the wrong foot with him, but I'm afraid that's what's going to happen no matter what."   
Spencer sighed, noticing that Joe did have a point. He, too, had seen the condescending look Seamus had thrown at his dad, Jordan looking back with supplicating eyes. Seamus did appear as a bit rude to him, but he didn't want to jump to conclusions so soon. He could have been under the stress from the move, or he could feel uncomfortable in a new place. He could have been nervous, maybe he didn't mean to flash his dad those eyes.   
There were a lot of maybe's and perhaps'.  
Spencer didn't know what was true.  
"Just give him some time." He muttered, rolling over as he tried to sleep.  
•••••••••••  
"You okay?"  
James looked up from his tablet to Aleks who sat on his bed across the room. He was looking all over the room, how much it reminded him of before. Before he was Jordan's son. Before he moved from foster home to foster home. Before he was taken away, freed. Before to when he was known as Aleks Marchant, ten years old, and...  
...scared.  
Aleks was knocked out of his trance by James' voice, meeting eyes with him as he looked in his direction. Aleks nodded, a wordless way to answer James' question. "Are you ready to go to bed?" He wondered, placing the blanket on top of himself, the warmth making him vaguely smile.   
"I guess, sure." James agreed, locking the tablet for the night as he made himself comfortable. His opinion on Aleks hadn't changed throughout the course of the day. He still felt off about him, Aleks being a quirky character, a bit eccentric. There was something more to him, something his dad was probably keeping hush hush. A secret. What Aleks had was a secret, the reason of why he's acting so strange, to James.  
That was how he saw Aleks.  
Strange.  
Aleks leaned to the side, flicking off the lights with the tip on his index finger. He sighed as he laid his head onto the pillow, James rustling around a bit before finding a comfortable position. Then, silence entered the room along with the pale glow from the moon, bathing the room in a beautiful silky white. Crickets were heard chirping away outside, the distant and upcoming sound of cars passing by going to and from places.  
Aleks enjoyed the nightlife.  
"Goodnight, James." He whispered, not wanting to disturb the other seven members in the house.  
"Night, Aleks." He returned, turning on his other side.  
"Sweet dreams." Aleks added, closing his eyes.  
James sighed. "Yeah...you, too."  
•••••••••••  
"I hope you don't mind sharing a bed." Dan clarified nervously as the two entered the room. "The other guest room bed had to be moved for Aleks, and I-I'd just feel terrible if you were sleeping on the couch -" Dan's apprehensive babbling was cut short by Jordan's soft words.  
"It's okay, Dan." Jordan informed him, his smile pleasant and a bit tired. "I really don't mind, it's alright." He had a calming chuckle with his words. "I'm just glad that I can sleep under a roof." He mumbled to himself, Dan hearing and feeling bad. "You're going to kill me for saying this, but thank you."   
The two shared a humble laugh towards that.  
They both settled nicely into the bed, Dan looking over towards Jordan before shutting off his lamp. No one had slept on that side of the bed in over a year. He missed seeing her long, brown hair that grew just past her shoulders. Her glasses always needing to be pushed up, the lenses making her brown eyes seem bigger. Her smile was what he missed most of all.  
Just to be replaced with a colder side of the bed.  
But, now that space was timidly taken up. By someone else, someone...beautiful. His blue eyes glimmering like a pond, his light brown hair brushing by the back of his neck. His face wore an attractive amount of stubble, his voice filled with joy, his laugh being one thing about him that Dan loved most. And his smile...was absolutely contagious.  
He caught himself staring, Jordan being too preoccupied with getting himself comfortable to notice. He shook his head as he sighed, turning off the lamp on his side before laying down next to the other. He sighed restfully, Jordan, one the other hand, being kept awake by the events that had happened so suddenly in his life. At one moment he was sinking further down in life, and the next he's starting a whole new one.  
All because of a phone call.  
A phone number.  
A man named Dan.  
"Thank you, again, Dan." Jordan murmured, chuckling at his own thanks. "I...I really am grateful that you're in my life. That you're here for me, for my sons." He paused, unknowing of the smile creeping onto Dan's face. "It really means so much to me." His voice got lower as he felt himself tear up, Dan's simple actions being the world for Jordan. He bit his lips in order to stop the tears, yet the action only caused pain.  
He let a quick sob slip, not meaning to, but the bottle he kept it all in was beginning to crack. Not completely, but bit by bit. He let another go, Dan rolling over, realizing what was happening. As his instincts took over, considering being a father of four, he slowly wrapped his arms around Jordan to comfort him, holding him closely.   
"I'm sorry, I-I...I'm s-such a mess..." Jordan told him through his sobs, holding onto Dan in return. He had never been held like this before, with him and Monica, he had always been the one to hold her. Today, she was far from his arms.   
Jordan felt the tears keep coming.  
"Aw, hey, it's alright." Dan soothed him in a sweet manner. "It's okay, it's okay to be emotional Jordan." He informed him, rubbing his back as the other tried to silence his cries. "It's alright, I know things have been hard for you. I'm really sorry about everything. And it's alright to cry, it hurt you, I know what it feels like." He sighed, Jordan listening well to the other's words as he took a deep breath. "You're alright, Jordan. You don't need to apologize."   
Jordan steadied his breathing for a short while, Dan continuing to hold him as he did. He was grateful for Dan's compassion, he had to have been the sweetest man on Earth. It was quiet for a moment or two afterwards, Jordan's weeping had ended, it being a terrifying trip for the both of them. All Dan wanted was for Jordan to relax, he had been dealing with stress upon stress within the past two months. He was toppling over the edge, and Dan wanted to grab his hand before he fell.  
"How about...I take you out tomorrow, some place nice, and try to get your mind off of things." Dan suggested, whispering sweetly to Jordan as he was still locked in his arms.  
Jordan sniffled quietly as he aimed his head up, looking at Dan directly. "Do...Do you mean like...a date...?" Jordan silently questioned, trying to find Dan's eyes in the moonlight. Dan shyly looked away as he had been caught, timidly laughing, causing Jordan to smile.  
"Yeah...a-a date." Dan agreed, looking back towards Jordan, the two finally sensing the feelings they felt towards one another. "W...What do you say?" Dan asked, holding his breath as he awaited an answer.  
Jordan let out a small giggle once processing Dan's words, feeling his smile become uncontainable. He hugged Dan a bit closer, his head down dipping into the crook of his neck, his whispers being able to hear. "I'd love that." Jordan agreed, snuggling against the bigger man. Dan felt a grin find a home on his face, not only by Jordan's acceptance, but by his choice of words.  
He'd love it.  
But, then he heard Jordan giggle a little, his insecure manner kicking in, causing him to become worried. "What? What is it?" He wondered, thinking of the possibilities. Is it something I said? Am I holding him too closely? Is he uncomfortable? Is he laughing at me? With me? But...I'm not laughing at anything. Is he...  
...making fun of my weight...?   
"Oh, nothing, it's just..." Jordan mumbled, falling asleep in Dan's arms. "It feels nice to be held." He admitted, closing his eyes as he let the embrace from Dan consume him. Dan was a bit relieved by that, chortling lightly at the cuteness of Jordan's words.  
"Well," He whispered back before Jordan fully fell into a slumber, "it feels nice to hold someone."


	6. Chapter 6

Jordan looked at himself in the mirror, wondering if he was a bit too overdressed. It had been a while since he had worn a suit, the last time being two weeks back, when he was unfortunately laid off. It didn't feel right putting one on, buttoning the buttons, adjusting the pants. Sweating underneath the blazer, pulling the silk tie up to his neck. It had been forever since he had been on a date, and frankly, it was as if he were learning again.  
He sighed, staring into the eyes of his reflection. He was nervous about tonight, unsure of where the night would take him. He wasn't even aware of where they were going, Dan keeping his lips sealed as a secret. He would feel uneasy if they were just going to a usual outing, a suit not being the usual wear. Yet, if they were going to a restaurant, he'd be just fine. Maybe, just a bit under dressed.  
Did he need to add something? Was there something he needed to remove? Perhaps he should just go casual. But, then Dan might take them some place fancy. Maybe it's the blazer? Or the tie? Should he change the tie? Black seemed to go well, but maybe blue would bring out his eyes? Yet, he was a fan of red. Was there something he needed to do with his hair? Should he gel it? Maybe he should've trimmed it a bit beforehand.  
He sighed again.  
He turned around once hearing someone enter the bedroom behind him, seeing for it to be Dan. He felt himself blush timorously, Dan catching his gaze and smiling at Jordan's deferential manner. Jordan turned around, letting the suit to be shown with a worried expression on his face.  
"Is it too much?" He wondered, understanding that they were leaving soon as he studied Dan's clothing. "You're dressed in casual clothes, I feel like it's too much." He noted, seeing Dan dressed in blue jeans and a forest green shirt. Dan chuckled warmly, his smiling somewhat relieving Jordan's anxiety.  
"You're fine, Jordan. It doesn't matter what you're dressed in, you look great." Dan told him, the sight of Jordan in a suit making his heart melt. "You don't have to change, you look amazing." Dan heard himself say as he couldn't keep his eyes off of the other.  
Jordan dipped his head, smiling shyly as he turned off the bathroom light. "Thank you." He accepted the compliments, he didn't think he looked that great. He stepped out of the bathroom as Dan placed his wallet in his front pocket, grabbing his car keys as well.  
"You ready?" Dan wondered as he stole another glance at the taller man, his nervousness somehow making him cuter. Jordan nodded, smiling excitedly as he followed the other out of the bedroom door. "Okay, guys! We're heading out now!" Dan called down to his sons as they neared the stairs. "Spencer, Joe, dinner's on the stove-"  
"Simple spaghetti, garlic bread is almost finished, we don't want Aleks suffocating, so only a little bit for James." Spencer summed up, giggling with his twin after as they continued playing 'Super Smash Brothers'. Dan smiled at Spencer's wittiness as he retrieved his jacket from the nearby closet.  
"Looking good, Jordan!" Joe commented, beaming at Jordan as he laughed timidly before looking down, feeling his blush redden. "Well, you guys have fun tonight, where are you going?" He wondered, losing the match of the game to his brother.  
"It's a surprise and that's how I want to keep it." Dan told them, finding himself looking over towards Jordan yet again. "I'm trusting you two, I know you've stayed home in the past, but that was before with just Kevin and James. If you have any problems, just call, okay?" Dan wondered, he wasn't an overprotective parent, but he still had his mind set on the worst case scenario.  
"And if you have trouble with either Dexter or Aleks, just let Seamus know. He'll help you out." Jordan informed them, both nodding as they understood. He was a bit worried about leaving his sons alone here, but he knew they were in good hands. Dex had Kevin who was cheerful, funny, and sweet. Aleks had James who was responsible, sincere, and helpful.  
And if things didn't go right, they had Joe, who was trustworthy, Spencer, who could make them smile, and Seamus, who was...their brother after all.  
"Alright, see you in a little while, boys." Dan told them, Jordan and himself making their way to the front door.  
"Should we wait up or...?" Spencer joked, the four of them laughing at the somewhat raunchy joke. The two left the house, Dan locking it as he eased his laughter.  
"I'm sorry, my sons, I don't know where they get it." Dan told Jordan as they made their way to Dan's car. "The things they say sometimes." Jordan giggled at that as he slid into the passenger's seat, awaiting to be driven to this amazing surprise. He still felt a bit edgy, unsure if he had made the right decision clothes wise. He looked down at his suit, wishing he could change back into his red shirt and jeans.  
Dan looked over at Jordan once he started the engine, seeing his blue eyes second guess his attire. "Don't worry about the suit, Jordan." He notified him, Jordan looking up gingerly as he spoke. "I mean it, I don't want you stressing tonight. Tonight...I just want to see you smile. Hear you laugh. Want you to be able to live life without worrying." Jordan looked away as he felt tears coming on. "Besides," Dan started, pulling the car out of the driveway, "you look cute."  
He hadn't meant to admit that, but now that the words were out there, he decided to just go with it. Jordan hid a small smile as he lowered his head out of sight. He looked out the window, seeing his own blush in the dim reflection. He had tried to fight it, but his affection for Dan made it only grow.  
"So, you're not even going to give me a hint of where you're taking me?" Jordan wondered, turning back to face Dan after his pinkness had faded momentarily. Dan shook his head, not wanting to give away any hints. "Well, as long as you don't murder me." Jordan joked, the two laughing as Dan turned a right.  
The car ride was filled with conversation afterwards, the chit chat and chuckles easing Jordan's nerves as he did what Dan had wanted: smile. He enjoyed the company of Dan, realizing that it had seemed like forever since he had been out with...anyone. At the time his wife, his friends, his sons. He wanted to return to that starting tonight with his...  
...date.  
The chortles had ended as Dan had stopped the car, arriving at their destination. Jordan looked out of the window to see that they weren't at a restaurant. In fact, it didn't seem like there was one in miles, along with civilization for that manner. He turned back to Dan who simply wore a smile as he unbuckled his seatbelt, motioning for Jordan to follow.  
He slowly left the car, closing the door lightly before taking in the view Dan had brought him to. It was absolutely...breathtaking. The darkness rolled over the sky, the stars seeming as if you could just reach out and touch them. There was a gentle summer breeze cooling the air, slowly swaying the tree leaves to and fro. And as if things couldn't get more heart stopping, they were standing on a large ledge, over looking the town below.  
"My friends wanted to try and get out more and decided to go out for a nice hike. I wasn't one for hiking, as it turns out, so I stayed behind and...found this little area." Dan explained while opening the trunk of the car. He pulled out a fine bottle of wine, his other hand holding a picnic basket. "I thought you'd like this place."  
"It's absolutely...astounding." Jordan commented, staring over the town below. He watched as Dan walked back over, seeing the contents at hand, and feeling his grin grow even bigger. Dan opened the basket, taking out a wine glass as he handed it to Jordan kindly. Jordan chuckled as he accepted it, Dan gesturing for him to follow him.  
"Care to join me?"  
•••  
"Please, come home, daddy..."  
"Why are you out here alone?" James asked his brother as he walked out onto the porch, noticing Kevin by himself in one of the chairs. He closed the front door, taking a seat next to his brother who followed a passing car with his eyes, sighing as it kept on going.  
"Waiting for daddy to come home." Kevin whispered as his knees were pulled to his chest, his head draped on top of them. He had been sitting on the porch for going on twenty minutes after dinner, James noted that he wasn't as talkative as he usually would be.  
"Is everything okay?" He asked his younger brother, watching his eyes pursue two more cars following one another in the same direction. He met his eyes with James, both the same chestnut color of both of their true parents. Kevin sighed as he lowered his head again, not answering James' question as his eyes began to feel heavy. "Come on, you can tell me, Kev. What's wrong?" James tried again, inching his chair a bit closer to Kevin's.  
Kevin pouted his lips as he closed his eyes. "Dex made fun of me last night." Kevin admitted, fighting the tears entering his eyes. "He laughed at me because I have a nightlight." He sniffed, opening his eyes as another car revved by, going a little over the speed limit.  
"That wasn't nice of him." James commented, angered at the fact that someone had hurt Kevin's feelings. "Kevin, there's nothing wrong with having a nightlight. I used to have one, it's okay." James told him, patting Kevin on the back. "Dex is just a big butt." He told him, causing Kevin to giggle a little. James sighed, although Kevin would soon get over this, he was still flustered with the hurt that was thrown at him.  
"Here, why don't we go inside? I'm going to go talk to Aleks about Dex." James stood up for his little brother, Kevin agreeing with going back inside. He held the door open for the other before stepping inside himself, making his way up the stairs and to his, now, shared room. He didn't want to confront a ten year old, someone younger than him. He surely want to bring this to the boy five years older than him. James decided to take the advice 'pick on somebody your own size' and let Aleks know how he felt about the two younger brothers.  
James opened the bedroom door, Aleks on his bed reading as he looked up to see James, smiling at first, but his smile slowly lessened as James began to speak. "You need to talk to your little brother." He told him, his voice stern as Aleks placed his book down. "He made fun of Kevin last night for having a nightlight, no one treats my brother that way!" James shouted, Aleks feeling fear start with the shaking of his hands.  
"I-I'm sorry, Dex s-shouldn't have said-said that." Aleks tried to apologize, but James' seething anger got to the best of him, causing Aleks to be in fear of opening his mouth.  
"He shouldn't have! He made Kevin upset! You need to set Dex straight, he probably gets it from you and your brother!" James yelled, studying Aleks' eyes that were filling with tears as he didn't make direct eye contact. "Oh what? Now you're crying because your brother hurt mine?!?" James raised his tone causing Aleks to shrink away.  
"What is wrong with you?!?" He screamed, rudely shutting the lights off on Aleks before slamming the door closed, leaving Aleks in the dark. Aleks never liked conflict, he was surrounded by it his entire life. The yells, the screams, the shouts. All causing tears to rush out of his eyes. He hated hearing arguing from afar, but he was even more terrfied to have it directed towards himself.  
Usually, in times like this, he'd have Jordan to hold. But with Jordan gone for now, he only had himself as he pulled his knees to his chest, letting his tears stain his jeans. He didn't want to be here, he wanted to go home. To Jordan. To Monica. To Dex, to Seamus. That was his home, not with another twelve year old who took his anger out on him. With a twelve year old who scared him.  
He just wanted his family.  
"Please, come home, daddy..."  
•••  
"You do archery?" Dan asked, looking over to the man laying beside him. The two had finished the meal Dan had packed, along with a sufficient amount of wine to still be able to drive home safely. They were staring up at the stars as they spoke with one another, the moonlight casting enough brightness to still see the features on one another's face.  
"I do, I learned back around...three years ago, I want to say." Jordan remembered, Dan listening well to all the little things about Jordan. "I'm not really sure what drove me to do it, I just really liked seeing others do it. Just about every Saturday I was down at that arena, getting better and better. We didn't have Aleks yet, and Dex was too young and uninterested.  
"I took Seamus down occasionally, he was twelve. He really liked it, too." Jordan chuckled, remembering Seamus' smile when seeing his father hitting target after target. "He wanted to learn, too, I was going to teach him, but...that's when Monica and I had a falling out and..." He sighed. "...the stress was too much, and I...faded away from it..." From him as well, is what Jordan didn't mention.  
"I think you still have it in you, though." Dan commented, getting lost in Jordan's eyes rather than the stars above. "It's never too late to try again." He was talking about both archery and bonding with his son, understanding that Seamus and Jordan were only holding onto scraps of their diminished relationship. "Hell, maybe you could even teach me. As long as I don't end up with an arrow in my shoulder." Dan teased, trying to lighten the mood.  
Jordan snickered at that, smiling at Dan's humor. At the moment, he realized that he felt no stress. No worries, no chains, no weights. This was the first time in a while that he had ever felt good. Just laying next to the reason for his beating heart, talking about nonsense for hours underneath the sky's glittering tears. It made him smile, like Dan was wanting. It made him laugh, like Dan had hoped for. It made him made fall deeper in love, like Dan was with him.  
"I want to thank you for tonight, Daniel." Jordan told him, keeping his voice low with instinct. "Tonight had to have been the best night I have ever had." Dan chuckled at that. "Just the dinner, and the wine, and the scenery, and the conversation, and you." Jordan looked over to Dan, Dan doing the same as he waited for Jordan to continue. "I...I'm really glad that I got to spend such a great night with someone as beautiful as you."  
Dan, at first, grinned at that, feeling amazed to be called beautiful. But, the words starting ringing in his ears, causing him to turn away as he knew what the truth was. "Dan? Is...is everything alright?" Jordan questioned, rolling onto his side to face Dan. Dan closed his eyes to rid himself of tears, not knowing how or what to feel.  
"I...I'm not beautiful, Jordan." Dan mumbled, hearing himself get choked up. Jordan gasped quietly at his words, sitting himself up from his laying position.  
"What do you mean?" He wondered silently, Dan sitting up as well as tears began to roll down his face.  
"I'm not beautiful." He repeated, looking down at the ground. "That's...the last thing I am." He tried wiping at a few of his distraught tears. "I'm...I'm different, I'm shy, I'm annoying, I'm a wreck, I'm...I'm fat-"  
"Daniel..." Jordan whispered, not believing a word of it. Jordan didn't see Dan as any of those things, feeling guilty of knowing that Dan called himself all of them. On the inside and out.  
"I'm fat, Jordan!" He said again, still afraid to meet eyes with the other. "I'm fat and I'm not beautiful...I know I'm not, I look at myself in that mirror every morning and see it for myself." Everything he had hidden inside about himself was becoming unveiled to Jordan, each breaking his heart to know how much Dan was hurting. "I'm not beautiful and you don't deserve to be with somebody like me-"  
He was cut off by a pair of lips on his own.  
Jordan cupped both sides of Dan's face as he continued their gentle kiss, one given to make Dan feel better. Dan wasn't as horrible as he saw himself, in fact he wasn't horrible at all. Everybody's different, and that's always a good thing. He wasn't too shy, he had introduced himself first when they had met. He wasn't annoying, he loved having him around. Like Dan had said, it's okay to be emotional.  
And when seeing him for the first time, his weight never once threw things out of proportion.  
Jordan pulled away, opening his eyes as Dan copied, sniffling as he realized what had just happened. "You are beautiful." Jordan repeated, his words being the most meaningful thing Dan had ever heard.  
The kiss after was just a tad more.  
*********  
"It had to have been, like, a week long feud." Dan continued on his conversation as the two men stepped out of the vehicle. "They're both fourteen, I wouldn't know why they would want bunk beds. You'd think they'd grow out of that. I'd expect that from Kevin, maybe even James." Jordan chuckled at that as he made his way onto the porch, Dan following behind.  
"Maybe even yourself." Jordan teased, Dan laughing wildly as they reached the front door. As he placed the key into the slot, he turned to face Jordan another time, suppressing his chortles as he gazed into his eyes. Tonight had really been a great night, Dan had to admit that. He was nervous about a date as well, uncertain if he was able to get past Liz. Miraculously...he had. And tonight was as amazing as his first date with her, perhaps slightly better.  
She had worn a lacey, maroon dress that night, it fitting her well as it just flowed past her knees. Her hair was down, the way Dan had always liked it. She wore her contact lenses, but Dan thought she looked more beautiful with her glasses. He had taken her out to a restaurant, he could still remember the name, and what they both ordered. The conversation had been wonderful, he had really gotten to know a lot about her. He had fallen in love, and so had she.  
Throughout the night, he had received many kisses on the cheek.  
Then they went out again. And again. They had gotten closer, and a year later they had gotten married, moving into the home he had now. The idea of a big family was her dream, and Dan had always wanted to be a father. It was ten months later before they were expecting Joe, but it soon turned out that Spencer would be tagging along. James arrived two years later, Kevin being another two.  
They tried again three years after Kevin was born, expecting another boy. Eddie was going to be his name, but unfortunately...he didn't make it.  
They decided to take a step back after that, he news being devastating, the two never meeting their son, leaving the boys with the let down of not having another brother. But, things only went up from there. They became the family they had always wanted to be. They got to watch their sons grow. From their first steps, first words, potty training, sending them to school, watching their personalities develop. Seeing them grow into the ages they are now.  
But, Liz was a year behind ending at thirteen, eleven, and nine.  
Dan had her buried in the dress she wore on their first date, fifteen years ago.  
Liz and himself had an excellent life together, happy, sweet, perhaps a bit outrageous. And as time moved on, Dan was beginning to as well, and he wanted a life exactly like that with three more sons and Jordan.  
Dan placed his lips to Jordan's, sealing him in a kiss of affection. He hadn't had a kiss in over a year, he was starting to forget how it felt. The kisses with Jordan felt as terrific as those with Liz, but he wasn't Liz, who he missed ever so dearly. He was Jordan, who he loved ever so much. He pulled away, the two gazing at one another as they smiled, the light from the living room, advising that someone was still up, basked on the both of them.  
Jordan forgot what love felt like, himself and Monica didn't feel theirs anymore as they ended up in argument after argument about the kids. He forgot how it felt to have your heart beat a little too fast, to have your face flushed, to have your muscles ache from smiling. To have your lips kissed when the other feels what you do. He felt all of those again, and he wanted a bit more.  
He wanted a life with Dan. He wanted a home with Dan. He wanted a family with Dan.  
And he knew he had all three once he stepped inside of that house.  
The light they had noticed from outside revealed who had still been awake, but just barely. Aleks sat on the couch, his legs curled up as he was drifting off in the far corner. A blue and black blanket was draped over him as his head was nuzzled into it, light tears covering his eyes and partially on the comforter. Jordan sighed as he knelt down in front of the couch, meeting eyes with his son as Dan placed his jacket away, watching with concern.  
"Hey, buddy." Jordan whispered, Aleks sniffling lightly as he lifted his head a bit. "What are you doing up so late? What's the matter?" He brushed a few pieces of Aleks' hair out of his face lovingly, wiping a few of his tears after.  
"I had a nightmare and-and you weren't here..." Aleks mumbled, sobbing weakly as he was overly exhausted. He had only had another nightmare due to James' yelling, it scared him and that fear refused to leave. Once waking up from his bad dream, he couldn't stay in that room anymore, it now carrying two fears. He wasn't aware of the lateness of the hour, all he wanted was to be held by his father.  
"I'm so sorry, Aleks." Jordan apologized, Dan owning a tiny smile at Jordan's care towards his son. He showed how much he loved him, and how great of a father he was. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me, but I'm here now. And it's going to be okay, Aleks." He showed his son a reassuring smile.  
"Can I sleep in your room with you and Dan tonight?" Aleks muttered, his hands poking out from the blanket to rub at his eyes while yawning. Jordan turned to look at Dan, wanting to see if that was alright. Dan chuckled as he nodded, letting Jordan know that it was ultimately okay. Jordan turned back to the tired twelve year old.  
"Of course you can, Aleks." He told him, kissing the top of his forehead lightly. "Come on, let's get you to bed. You're so tired." He chuckled with his last statement as Aleks removed the blanket from himself, Jordan picking him up and holding him gently.  
"It's okay, Aleks. Nothing's going to hurt you, you're safe." He muttered in his son's ear as he walked him up the stairs after Dan. He kissed Aleks' cheek as he softly hummed to him, Dan looking back for a second and grinning at Jordan's soothing manner. He should've known for him to be a father...  
They made their way to their bedroom, Dan turning on the lights for Jordan to see. He made his way to his side of the bed, placing Aleks down in the middle as he adjusted to the comfortableness. Jordan smiled as he placed the blankets on top of Aleks, Aleks humming in content as he slowly drifted off. He placed one last kiss on Aleks' forehead as he whispered to him. "Goodnight, Aleksandr."  
"Night daddy..." Aleks mumbled back as he slowly fell asleep. "Night Dan..." He murmured as Dan heard and smiled, Jordan was right, Aleks was a very sweet kid.  
"Goodnight, Al." He whispered back, smiling up at Jordan who kept his eyes on his son.  
"We'll be right back, Aleks. Dan and I are going to get ready for bed, then we'll lay with you. Okay?" Jordan reassured as Aleks sleepily nodded, yawning again as Dan stepped out into the hall. Jordan following as he needed to explain Aleks' constant nightmares.  
"Must have been a bad nightmare." Dan commented once Jordan had closed the door. "Poor kid, is everything alright?" He wondered, considering the two were standing out in the hall, Jordan looking as if he had needed to tell Dan something.  
"I just needed to tell you that...he has these nightmares every now and again, it's really nothing new." Jordan notified him, knowing Dan would be curious in some parts.  
"Nightmares about what? What caused them?" Dan wondered, looking at the closed door, the room of which Aleks was inside.  
Jordan sighed, knowing Dan needed to know, but at the same time, he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to say so. "Like I had said before, Aleks was adopted." Dan nodded as he remembered. "Well...his real family...it wasn't much of a family. He was an only child, no siblings. His, uh, mom had walked out on the family for...no reason. And...his father..." Jordan started to tear up. "His father used to a...absue him." Jordan pushed back his tears as he strived to continue.  
"The abuse had been going on for years, it wasn't until one of his teachers at school saw a bruise on his arm when they reported something. Social services took him away, he was passed around from foster families until...Monica and I took him in to stay." Jordan explained, taking deep breaths until he knew he was able to continue.  
"He still has nightmare of his father, which is understandable. They aren't as consistent as they were before, but...they still scare him pretty bad." He looked down at the floor before taking another long breath. "I just...I just needed you to know, in case...you need to calm him down one day." He summed up, raising his eyes to see the sympathetic ones of Dan.  
Dan immediately held Jordan close, enclosing him in a comforting hug that Jordan needed. "It's sweet that you took him in, and that you're taking care of him. He's learning a lot from you, he's a lot like you." Dan told him, realizing how much he really was. "He's polite, he's smart, he's strong." He pulled away to look at Jordan in the eye. "And he's an important part of this family." Jordan smiled at that as Dan did the same.  
"Come on, let's get to sleep. You look like you could use some." Dan informed him, giving Jordan a quick kiss on the cheek before opening the door of the room. Aleks was already fast asleep.  
They thought their conversation was private, whispers in the night that no other ears would meet. But, it met one down the hall, an unexpected listener who, too, was half asleep. James. He had heard Aleks wake up from his nightmare. He had heard him leave the room without return. He heard Dan and Jordan arrive home, have a brief discussion, and make their way up the stairs.  
He didn't hear a majority of the conversation due to him drifting in and out of sleep, but he had heard enough. An answer to why Aleks was the way he is.  
Aleks was adopted.


	7. Chapter 7

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Dan asked again, placing his small backpack next to the couch, conversing with another in the kitchen. "I mean, I could take off today-" He tried to negotiate, but the other man simply giggled at his compassion.  
"It's not a big deal, I don't mind handling the kids. Besides, two, maybe three, of them are mature enough to help me." Jordan joked, ruling out his son due to his change in behavior. "Just go, I don't want you to be late for work." Jordan told the other, placing his mug in the sink to be washed later. It was an hour and a half before noon, Dan's first official day starting 'Project Shameless', as Nick liked to call it, starting in half an hour.  
"I just feel guilty, I mean, seven kids? When Liz and I had four, we were both watching them. But seven by yourself?" Dan wondered, taking a few steps into the kitchen, standing in front of Jordan who was rather tall. "I just don't want you be...you know, pulling out your own hair." Dan chuckled with his words, Jordan smiling at the other's concern.  
"I told you, I'm going to be fine." Jordan repeated, taking a step closer himself towards his boyfriend. At least, that's what they were now, right? "And I promise, if you were right all along, and I'm bald in a few hours," The two laughed at that, "that I will call you for support." He swore, the two more than an arms distance away from each other.  
"I love you." Dan mumbled, it being the first time any of them had spoken those words. Dan was shocked that he had let them slip from his mouth, but they were the truth. He was in love with Jordan Mathewson, and his heart wouldn't let him deny it.   
Jordan smiled once hearing those words, it being almost forever since he had ever heard them directed towards himself. He teared up slightly, a light layer of water over his crystal eyes. But the water wouldn't erode, only brighten. "I love you." He returned, placing a delicate kiss on the others lips. "Now go to work!" He urged, clapping Dan's shoulders before Dan turned around, chuckling lightly. "I don't want you blaming me for you being late!"  
"No, it's Spencer's turn!" Dan teased as he lifted up his bag, making his way to the door. "I'll see you tonight!" And with those words, he shut and door, only to be seen several hours from now, arriving home in the early hours of the night.  
Jordan would have to get used to that. With Dan's new project, it required him to be at work more often than usual, more days, more hours. Dan and himself had decided, that now since they were together, that a family was what they were. They agreed that Jordan wouldn't have to struggle to find work, he would stay home with the kids while Dan raked in money. It was a simple solution, neither of them minding their station.   
Everything was...falling together.  
And here Jordan always thought things fell apart.  
Jordan was now a stay at home dad, it didn't bother him. It was simpler than struggling to pay bills and steadying out his life in the meantime. Now, he wouldn't have to add that extra concern about either. Dan supplied enough money, and he soon would be taking in much more due to the creation of his videogame. And, with all of this time at home, he'd be able to grow closer with his sons. New relationships and starting some over.   
Helping Aleks get over his fears. Getting to know Kevin just a bit more. Teasing one another with Spencer. Reconnecting with Dex and his interests. Bonding with Joe a little longer. Sharing laughs with James. Finding a steady ground and walking up to Seamus once more. Recovering their relationship, dusting it off, helping it along. Letting Seamus, and them all, know that he loves them.  
Their his sons.  
And he was going to take this opportunity to be the father he knew he could be.  
•••  
James stared at Aleks from across the room, finding Aleks to be odder as he now knew his secret. Aleks was adopted, meaning that he didn't come from Jordan's family. He wasn't Jordan's true son, he wasn't a real Mathewson. He came from somewhere else, given away from somewhere else. Another family, one that didn't want him.  
And frankly, James didn't want Aleks in this one, either.  
"Who's your dad?" James rudely questioned, not paying attention to the game on the tablet before him. Aleks looked up at that, a puzzled look on his face as he wondered why James would ask such a question.   
"What are you talking about?" Aleks questioned, looking up from the 3DS Spencer had let him borrow. "Jordan is my dad." He reminded him, feeling off about referring to his father by his first name. When coming home for the first time, he didn't call Jordan 'Jordan', or Monica 'Monica', in fear of appearing offensive. He'd call them Mr. and Mrs. Mathewson, finding it more of a respectable manner.   
"Um..." Aleks whispered, making his way behind the kitchen counter as Jordan placed another dish into the dishwasher. "Uh...M-Mr. Mathewson?" He asked, his voice small, but Jordan still turned around to the sound of it. He smiled warmly, drying his hand on a dish towel before kneeling in front of Aleks.  
"You know, it's okay to call me 'Jordan', Aleks." Jordan told him, chuckling sweetly with his words to ease Aleks' nervousness.   
"T-That's alright. Mr. Mathewson's okay." Aleks stated, losing eye contact with the elder. He heard Jordan giggle lightly, he liked hearing the sound of his laugh. It was something warm and inviting, it comforted him.  
"Well, what did you want to ask, Mr. Aleksandr?" Jordan went along with the labeling, Aleks laughing a little. Jordan grinned, that being the first time he heard Aleks laugh.  
"I...I just wanted to say thank you for dinner." Aleks mumbled, he was always such a quiet kid. But, Jordan didn't mind. He understood that being in a new environment was...scary. Especially trying to get used to such dulcet surroundings when all you've known is unfamiliarity with foster homes, and fear with his actual home.  
Jordan sighed happily, appreciating Aleks' well-manner. "Of course, Aleks. You're extremely welcome." He told him, Aleks' brown eyes filled with thanks. As he saw this, Aleks slowly wrapped his arms around Jordan in their first hug, a hug where Aleks held back. Jordan couldn't help, but smile contently, holding Aleks as he loved the embrace.  
"I'm really glad you're my dad." Aleks whispered, his words filled with truth.  
Jordan teared up at that, appreciating this moment. Monica had left early that morning without as much as a goodbye. Seamus and himself had gotten into another disagreement. Dex didn't want to involve himself with Jordan, barely making conversation, or eye contact, which, on the inside, made Jordan cry.  
He was having a rough day and he was glad that Aleks could turn it all around.  
"And I'm glad your my son..."  
A son.  
Aleks was finally a son instead of a sin.  
"Jordan's not your dad." James ridiculed, sitting up slightly to talk to Aleks more directly. "I heard him and my dad talking last night, he's not your real parent." Aleks could hear some taunting with his words. More within than behind. "Who's your real mom? Who's your real dad?" He questioned, metaphorically pinning Aleks against a wall.  
Sherman. Sherman Marchant was his true father, but Aleks didn't say that. Because Sherman wasn't a father to him. Ever since his mom left, things took a turn for the worst. Aleks couldn't remember her name, he thought it started with a 'K'. Karen...Kimberly...Kelly...Kendra... He didn't know, and he didn't want to know. Because she left, and now he was Sherman's responsibility.   
A responsibility he didn't want.  
That's why he hit him. That's why he punched him. That's why he pushed him. Yelled, insulted, hurt. Made him cry each and every night, scared of the man he called 'dad' at one point. He became quiet due to that, the abuse. He wouldn't whimper as often when the pain was inflicted onto him. He wouldn't speak at all anymore, become relatively quiet in school. He'd keep all of his emotions inside until nighttime, where'd he cry into his pillow, holding his stuffed animal dog close.  
His father soon took the stuffed animal away out of anger. Aleks became more afraid due to that, not having anything to depend on.   
He'd never see the toy again.  
This all started when he was nine.  
He was taken away when he was eleven.  
From there he stayed with many foster parents, his stays weren't long. Two months at the most. But he never felt comfortable there, no matter how much the family tried to supply. From the Peterson's, to the O'Connor's. From the Brown's, to the Gordon's. From the Cooper's, to the Garcia's, to the Woodrow's. Seven foster families he was passed around to throughout that year, seven pairs of strangers, seven homes.  
Aleks never felt like family.  
But...then he had met Jordan and Monica.  
The Mathewson's.  
They were kind people, Aleks felt almost drawn to them. Monica was a pretty woman, her hair beautiful and her eyes brown like his. She had a sweet timbre, her smile one to never fade. And Jordan had been the type of person he was looking for, for a father. He was understanding, he was humble, he was funny, full of grins, compassionate.   
And he couldn't have been any happier when they asked if he wanted to join their family.  
Sherman and the woman with a 'K' weren't his parents.  
Jordan and... Jordan was.  
"Jordan's my father, I don't have my mom anymore." Aleks defended, a bit flustered with James' inconsiderate prying.  
"That's not true!" James yelled, placing his tablet next to him on the bed. "You're lying! You just don't to answer cause your parents gave you away!" James assumed, although it wasn't the truth, Aleks still felt hurt. "Jordan adopted you because you're parents abandoned you! You didn't belong in that family and you don't belong in this one!"   
Aleks immediately teared up at that, his emotions being toyed with, his heart feeling scratched. He threw his book down onto the bed as he opened the door, leaving the room as soon as he possibly could. He didn't want to cry in front of James, for he knew it would only lead to more put downs by him. He had thought that James would be understanding after learning that he came from a different family, yet he was all, but that.  
Aleks made his way down the stairs, sniffling as he rubbed at his eyes and nose, taking deep breaths to calm himself. "What's up with you?" He heard a voice ask from the kitchen as he turned his head to see Seamus grabbing himself a bowl of ice cream. Aleks was hesitant to speak, but if Seamus was wondrous, then maybe he could help.  
"James made fun of the fact that I'm adopted." Aleks quietly admitted, rubbing at his eye again as he realized Seamus wasn't alone in the kitchen.  
"He did?" Spencer asked, placing down his phone as he stood from his chair concernedly. "Did you talk to your dad about it?" He questioned, taking a few steps closer to Aleks, but still giving him space as he was clearly upset. Aleks shook his head as an answer, Jordan being somewhere in the area of the giant house.  
"Why not? He apparently can fix everything." Seamus snidely commented, talking about his attempt to pull the family back together. "Look at us now, it's as if the past didn't happen." He sarcastically commented as he placed the container back into the freezer.  
Spencer glared at him frustratedly before returning to Aleks with soft eyes. "Why would you say that about dad?" Aleks questioned, feeling the hurt for him. "Why are you always putting him down? Why are you so mean to him all the time?" He asked and asked, knowing that Jordan was just doing his best. Apparently, that wasn't enough for Seamus.  
"Because he's the type of person you put all of your faith into, and all he does is disappoint." Seamus grumbled, speaking from experience as the other two were left oblivious. "Believe me, Aleks. You'd be better off with your real father." He sneered, knowing Aleks' past and believing it to be better than his own present.  
Aleks remained quiet at that, Seamus grabbing himself a spoon as Spencer found himself stuck between the rising tension. "Aleks...um...do you want to hang out in the basement? We could watch a movie or something." He suggested, both wanting Aleks to feel better, and to get himself and Seamus alone so they could talk.  
Aleks looked over to Spencer, his smile reminding him of Jordan's. He nodded his head, looking forward to spending time with his new brother. At least one of them was nice... "Why don't you go down and pick something, I'll be there in a minute?" He told him as Aleks followed, opening the basement door and making his way down the wooden steps with caution.  
Spencer turned to Seamus who looked at him with a disgusted expression, knowing what Spencer was trying to do. "Why would you say that to him?" He questioned, blue eyes glaring into blue eyes. Seamus shook his head as he condescendingly smiled, taking the bowl in his hand as he pushed himself away from the counter.  
"Because he's not even my real brother." He provoked, taking his time as he stepped by Spencer. He made sure to lean in closely as he spoke again, walking by the younger. "Just like you." Seamus hissed.  
•••  
"Hamburgers!" Kevin responded to Jordan's question as for what he should make for dinner. The ten year old threw his arms up in the air as he cheered, dropping the Xbox controller at hand. Jordan chuckled softly while seeing Kevin so full of energy, he was a funnier kid than Dan had described.  
"Hamburgers, eh? I think I can do that." Jordan agreed, smiling as he made his way to the freezer, finding an unopened box of hamburgers all the way to the right. "Well, it's your lucky night Kevin." He commented, showing Kevin the box as the child laughed, happy with tonight's meal. "I'm hoping hamburgers don't make anyone gassy." Jordan teased, opening the box on the kitchen counter.  
"I don't think so, but who knows with James anymore." Kevin said as Jordan snickered, pulling a frying pan out of the bottom drawer. He then heard the sound of footsteps making their way down the stairs, two pairs advising two people. He glanced over to see Joe and Dex, one wearing a smile, the other glancing at Kevin, then looking down.  
"Hey, Jordan." Joe greeted him, stepping into the kitchen as Dex somewhat followed, staying partially in the living room. "What's for dinner?" He questioned, feeling adequate around Jordan. He had seemed like a tenderhearted person, but it wasn't until he met him that Joe was introduced to much more than tender.   
He was still upset due to the passing of his mom, him finding it saddening and unfair. She had known him for thirteen years, him even less as being so young caused the past to become a blur. But, he knew that he loved her with all his heart, but his heart stopped once learning her's did too. Forever. It was hard living without a mom, each of the five dealing with the elephant in the room in their own way. Accepting it, ignoring it, numbing it.   
It felt like a never ending sickness, moving from one person to the next.  
Yet, it felt like the cure was Jordan. Dan was finally brave enough to move on from the fourteen year marriage. He went out for the first time since it all, and came back with a smile on his face, one caused by a man named Jordan. That man named Jordan who, unknowingly, made Dan's heart beat again, bleed again, love again. To see his dad happy was all Joe could ever ask for.  
Jordan may have not been Liz, but he surely felt like a parent to Joe. A dad in some aspects, a mom in others.  
"Well, Kevin said, more shouted, hamburgers. So," He picked up the box, showing it to Joe, "hamburgers." He answered, the two smiling at one another from across the room.   
"Would you like some help?" Joe offered, taking another step into the kitchen as Jordan grinned at his courteousness. Another of Dan's personality traits passed down.  
"Sure, that'd be great. Thanks, Joe." Jordan thanked, tousling his hair as they both chuckled, Joe retrieving a spatula and handing it to the other.  
"Hey, Dex?" Kevin asked as Dex turned away from the kitchen, and to the other ten year old seated on the couch. He pointed to the other Xbox controller left on the coffee table by another earlier, a game of 'Minecraft' loading on the screen. "You want to play with me?" Kevin asked, showing a hopeful smile. He had still been upset due to what Dex had said about him, his taunts about his nightlight and fears. But, Kevin thought it'd be best to forgive and forget. Be nice to Dex, so he'd be nice in return.  
Dex looked at the tv before returning to Kevin's gaze. "No, I'm fine." He told him blandly, no kindness of his tone whatsoever. Kevin seemed a little let down by that, his once proud smile descending into a vague pout. He dropped his arm leisurely, looking down at the controller in his hands instead of using it. Dex simply just looked away, looking down at the tiled floor of the kitchen.  
"Dex." Jordan addressed him as Joe placed the first two burgers into the pan once the heat had increased. "I know you, whenever you come out, you're usually bored. Why don't you play with Kevin?" He wondered, taking a few steps nearer to his son.  
"Because I'm fine." Dex pushed back, taking a few steps backwards, away from Jordan. "I don't want to play a stupid game with him. Leave me alone." Dex mumbled under his breath as he turned for the stairs, Jordan watching his son do so with shocked and hurt eyes. He let go of a silent breath, the room growing silent along with it.  
Dex still didn't enjoy Kevin's presence, although he was technically the guest. His opinions on Kevin only broadened, becoming stronger than in the start. He believed Kevin to be an outcast, a nerd because of the way he was. A goody two shoes, to say the least. Yet, he was still much of a baby. Afraid of the dark, needing a nightlight, never letting go of an inahler.   
Dex didn't fully understand Kevin's need for one, he knew certain people had it when they had a hard time breathing. That was it, no causes or other reasons were brought to his attention or knowledge. Dex didn't see it as a condition, more as a judgment. A difference from Kevin and everyone else. Another reason he was so...strange.  
Another reason of why Kevin felt bad about himself.  
Jordan looked back over to Kevin, before looking down, Kevin wearing a saddened expression as his eyes remained down on his controller.  
"Hey, uh...K-Kevin." Joe called to him, Kevin looking up gingerly, his eyes still filled with sorrow and slight fear, he never did like conflict. "W-Why don't you come help cook dinner with me and...dad?" He questioned, Jordan looking up at that word. He turned around and met eyes with Joe, Joe smiling as he did find Jordan as not only a dad, but his dad.   
Hearing that word come from Joe made some hope enter Jordan's heart.   
"Sure, okay." Kevin agreed, yet not in the same happy tone of voice he used to own. He turned off the television, jumped off of the couch due to his short height, and walked his way into the kitchen. Joe pulled up a chair for him to kneel on as he did, making his younger brother smile with friendly jokes.  
It was great to spend that time with the two of them, Jordan feeling even more like a dad to the both of them. To Kevin, he was funny, thoughtful, and amicable. He made him smile, he included him, and made him feel more important than Dex limited him to. Joe found Jordan to mean well, have a considerate heart, and make sure of others to happy before focusing on himself.   
He could see in his eyes that Jordan was hurt, it being covered up by his care for others. There was something Jordan had hidden on the inside, hidden emotions needing to be let out. But, he wouldn't do it. Maybe he wasn't one to show how he was feeling, or maybe he was keeping it together for the sake of the young, James, Dex, Kevin, and Aleks. Perhaps even himself, Spencer, and Seamus.  
But, Joe didn't want to bring it up.  
Jordan seemed happy to be here with himself and Kevin. His smile seemed like it couldn't grow any larger.  
But, it did when Dan walked in the door, home from work.  
Jordan turned around at the sound of the door opening, taking the frying pan once finished cooking, and placing it under a cold stream of water from the sink to cool it off. Dan caught his eye as he pulled his keys out of the door, closing it while seeing at the commotion in the kitchen. He found Jordan's topaz eyes and couldn't help, but grin, Jordan doing the same just by the simple sight of the other.  
Joe could see the love between them just by a glance.


	8. Chapter 8

And that's what life had been like. Dan heads to work, and returns around dinner time. Jordan staying home with the kids as he tries to solve their arguments and lighten their good times. He had gotten used to it, watching over seven kids. It wasn't as much as a handful as he thought, the responsibility being fairly easy.  
For the first few days, that is.  
Dan had been working a lot more lately, his job needing much more attention. He left in the early morning, his shift starting a little earlier, and him coming home a little later. Jordan didn't mind it, it'd just be a few hours difference, a little bit more time to spend with the kids.  
And less time spent with Dan.  
They still saw each other, yes, they did live together after all, but they couldn't have more than half a conversation without Dan leaving out the door, or Jordan feeling fatigue set in. As more days passed, Jordan was getting more familiar with the new schedule. Wake up at eight to be able to see Dan a little longer. Dan leaving an hour and a half later, arriving at work at his new directed time. Get breakfast prepared for the boys. Get into a disagreement with one of them. His, usually. Whip up some lunch. Make one of the kids feel better. Perhaps two. Cook dinner with a few of the boys occasionally helping.  
Get them to bed. Clean up the dishes, partially the house. Get himself ready for bed. Either fall asleep while looking at the alarm clock, or be half asleep when Dan arrived home, eleven being his usual.   
Then it'd start over.  
It wasn't as hard as life was back before, but Jordan was feeling a little stressed. A little tired. A little all over the place. But, he'd bottle it all away, saying he'd take care of himself later, when knowing he'd put that off for as long as he could. Right now, the boys were the main priority, he had to tend to them, calm them, make them feel better, make them laugh, smile. Care for them and be a good father.  
Which...was hard...  
Jordan sighed to himself, looking up at the kitchen clock as he placed the last clean plate away. Dan wouldn't be home for another half an hour, a half an hour of sleep Jordan would lose waiting up to see the man he loved. He rubbed at his tired eye, the bags beneath starting to show. He figured approximately seven hours of sleep would do him good, but he'd get less than that as he'd fall asleep later and later, waking up earlier and earlier.  
Sometimes he felt as if he couldn't sleep at all.  
He flicked off the kitchen light, the rooms surrounding him turning dim, the light from the porch providing a vague brightness to reflect into the living room. He yawned quietly while making his way up the stairs, today had been another exhausting day. Dex refused to play with Kevin, saying he didn't want to hang out with a loser. He held Kevin as he cried.   
Seamus completely ignored him when trying to make conversation, getting through to his son seemed more impossible each day. He seemed to even ignore Joe and Spencer, both trying to be brothers to him, and him simply shrugging off their attempts. Aleks was also rather quiet today, barely speaking to anyone as he only smiled and nodded. Jordan also noticed James giving him dirty looks, Aleks failing to look at James altogether.   
The boys weren't getting along as Jordan once believed or hoped, and he was dealing with the crossfire when it arose.  
He cleared his throat silently as he heard a familiar sound come from one of the first doors down the hall, the sound coming from the room shared by James and Aleks. With it being the time it was, he already knew who the sound was coming from and why. He opened the door slightly, Aleks' bed being just a few feet to the left of the exit. Jordan pulled the chain to the small lamp Aleks had beside his bed, not wanting to turn the bedroom light on to disturb James.  
Aleks' face was drenched in tears, the sound being one of crying. He was curled in the fetal position like he always was, the blanket up to his chin as he tried to silence his weeps. Jordan sat on the edge of the bed, placing a hand on Aleks' small shoulder gently. "It's alright, Aleks." He whispered, keeping his voice down for the other in the room. "It's okay. Do you need me to hold you?"   
Aleks nodded his head before sitting up immediately, needing his father's warmth. He wrapped his arms around his fathers neck as Jordan took the child into his arms. He lightly bounced Aleks in his arms, rocking him soothingly as he whispered sweetly into his ear. He made sure to keep his voice quiet for James who was cuddled in a deep slumber. Or so he appeared.  
James had been woken up to the sound of Aleks' crying, but didn't fully comprehend what was going on until Jordan entered the room. He opened his eyes only slightly, making sure Jordan nor Aleks could see as he viewed what was going on from his bed. He saw through his tired vision Jordan stand up from the bed, the smaller twelve year old in his arms.  
"It's alright, Aleksandr." His father whispered in his ear, placing a kiss on the side of his face as he slowly walked around the room. Aleks began to calm his sobs, ones that were starting to rack his poor frame. "Shh, shh, you're going to be okay. I'm here, it's okay." Jordan calmed him, leaving James wondering why Aleks needed such care as his dad started to softly sing to the other boy.  
"I'm looking for a place to start  
And everything feels so different now  
Just grab ahold of my hand  
I will lead you through this wonderland..."  
The way Jordan soothed Aleks was a way you'd treat someone younger. The age of five or six with the kisses, the holding, the whispers, the hums. Even the crying due to a nightmare, when James had one, he'd just fall promptly back to sleep. Even so, Aleks just did have a nightmare. Why was Jordan acting as if it were something more?  
"Water up to my knees   
But sharks are swimming in the sea  
Just follow my yellow light  
And ignore all those big warning signs..."  
And Jordan was also acting as if he had done this before. It wasn't something new, this wasn't the first nightmare of Aleks', and obviously wouldn't be the last. The last of the crying, the last of the calming, the last of the quiet humming. This was something else to cause James to find Aleks weird, and frankly, too dependent on his father. He was twelve, he shouldn't still be crying for his father because of a bad dream that wasn't real.  
"Somewhere deep in the dark  
A howling beast hears us talk  
I dare you to close your eyes   
And see all the colors in disguise..."  
But, James didn't know that...Aleks' bad dream was real. Very real. So was his true father. Very real. His slaps were real, leaving red hand prints on Aleks' cheek. His punches were real, causing bruises to last for days, even weeks. His put downs were real, Aleks believing that he really was that weak and that worthless. Stupid. Useless. A lost cause, a dying hope, a mistake.  
He held onto his dad tighter.  
"Running into the night  
The Earth is shaking and I see a light  
The light is blinding my eyes  
As the soft walls eat us alive..."  
That was where James fell asleep, thinking those awful things to the sound of Jordan's placid voice. Aleks not long after, still fearing his dream as Jordan's arms were like a barrier from it. Jordan soon after placing Aleks to bed and shutting out the light. He slumped to his bed, absolutely tiresome as he passed out without seeing Dan one last time.  
*******  
He was humming that song.  
That song his father sang him last night. About the sharks in the water and the yellow light. He was humming it to himself, it was soft, but it still reached the other's ears. James looked over to Aleks as he played with a bin of Kevin's borrowed Legos. He appeared as if last night hadn't happened, it wasn't such of a big deal. It was normal to him.  
Normal to him, an oddity to others.  
An oddity to James.  
Aleks was vulnerable. Dependent. Needy. Being taken care of as if he were a toddler, not a twelve year old. Being held when was upset. Sung to sleep when he couldn't. Crying at the stupidest of things. A nightmare. An opinion. A question. He was weak. James found that as an object to his advantage. He didn't want this new addition to his family, especially the addition of a brother.   
It was selfish, James knew, but he was determined to get Aleks away. Even if it meant tearing the family apart.  
"What was wrong with you last night?" James pondered, pausing his videogame as he studied Aleks. The humming had stopped as Aleks looked up, frankly fearing James' brown eyes. Last time James pinpointed him, he ended up in tears, plus an added broken heart due to Seamus. Aleks knew what James was talking about, he had been up after Aleks' nightmare.  
If he explained, it would be another thing he'd be ridiculed about.   
Aleks just bowed his head, ignoring James' attempt to put him down as he fiddled with a red block in his hand. "Hello? Aren't you going to answer my question?" James faked insult as Aleks remained with his head down, biting at his lip nervously. "What's wrong with you? Why were you crying over a dumb nightmare?" That teasing tone returned in James' voice, setting off a match as Aleks grew meaner than the flames.  
"Why should I tell you?!? You're just going to say I'm messed up and that I don't belong here!" Aleks fought back, fed up with the pain James had given him over the week and half of them living together.   
"Because you are and you don't!" James yelled back, throwing down his Xbox controller, causing Aleks to flinch. "You were crying over a freaking nightmare! You had to get your dad to hold you to chase the monsters away!" James mimicked in a mocking voice. Aleks bit his tongue to stop the inevitable tears. "What was your nightmare even about? Your real parents?" He crossed a line unknowingly as he sneered at the other sitting on the floor.  
Seamus came walking down the stairs before Aleks had a chance to weakly reply back, his fear rising as James' actions and words reminded him of those from his father. The oldest brother had heard their bickering, listening in for a good bit before deciding to do something. Over the week and a half, James had been putting Aleks down constantly, barely giving him a chance to breathe without shouting in his face. Although he wasn't one for showing how he truly felt, Seamus did feel somewhat sorry for Aleks.  
He wasn't just going to sit there and watch Aleks take it yet again.  
"You don't deserve to know." Seamus spoke up, the words from the eldest making James back down. He didn't want to get someone older than himself involved, especially Seamus. "You don't know what the hell he's been through, so knock it off. I don't want to hear you taunting my god damned brother."  
"And you think you can push around mine?!?" James fought back, somewhat afraid of the older. Being at the age of fifteen, it meant he was capable of doing much worse than saying a few simple put downs. "You're always so mean to Joe and Spencer!"   
"Because they're not my brothers, you fucker." Seamus sneered with eyes as cold as dry ice. He didn't think twice about his language, James taking insult to the six letter word, and Aleks covering his ears by the sound of it.   
"Aleks isn't either, you asshole." James retorted, hearing Seamus' words, and taking the opportunity to appear as defensive as possible. "If you treat Spencer and Joe like that, why don't you treat Aleks the same way?" James provoked, Aleks backing away slightly as the conflict was just getting heated.  
"It looks like you're already fucking doing that!"   
"What is with the language?!?" Joe called out as he opened the basement door, stepping out onto the battle field. Seamus gave him an uneasy glare, deadly blue eyes staring into pools of brown. James' grimace died down, slightly relieved that his brother had stepped in.  
"He's poking fun at Aleks, the little bastard." Seamus mumbled under his breath, his eyes locking with James' again, all unaware of the quietly crying Aleks whose ears were still covered due to his palms, yet his eyes still open. Joe opened his mouth, shocked that Seamus would use such a word around and to a child so much younger.  
"I haven't seen you do one nice thing for Aleks! Or anyone for that fucking matter!" It was James' first time using that word, Joe shocked as he stared at his brother in nonbelief.  
"James!" He shouted, understanding that Seamus' words were having a negative impact on his younger brother.  
"You know what? You're right, James! I don't give a single shit about anyone in the house! You're all fucking meaningless to me!" He made sure to stare at Joe when speaking that, showing that he meant little to nothing to him. Which...wasn't exactly true...but with all of the frustration clouding Seamus' mind, his words deemed the truth.  
Downstairs, Spencer, Dex, and Kevin listened in on the argument; Seamus' last statement, before the three burst into a fit of mixed insults and curses, catching their ears. Dex was let down that Seamus had said that, saying that himself wasn't so important to his older brother. He looked away from the door and back to the paused screen to which the four of them, Joe included, were watching the latest 'Avengers' movie.  
Spencer didn't want his brother to get caught in the middle of a fight, James could be a bit offensive at times, and Seamus just downright scared him. But as soon as he heard a word he didn't like, Joe found his way racing up the stairs. He had unfortunately left the door open, making the prior conversation less muffled than before. Each word was heard clearly.  
And each word made Kevin push away tears of fear.  
He didn't like fights, fights being the one true thing he hated after the dark and being all alone. He couldn't stand any part of it, it springing fear onto him the moment a voice raised a little higher. A word sounded a bit meaner. A certain word or two being mixed in with a sentence of resentment. And that was all he heard coming from upstairs.  
Spencer looked down at the younger to his right side, tears threatened him as he hugged his knees. Sympathy swarmed Spencer as he held his little brother close to him, covering his ears gently so the words wouldn't continue to him. He placed a light kiss atop his brother's head before aiming his back up towards the source of the shouts.  
Dex looked over at the two, feeling some empathy for Kevin. He, too, was afraid of the screaming. It was all Seamus and his father had done anymore, and some guilt panged his heart as he would also be the one to constantly fight with Jordan, despite his deep down care for him. Yet, when looking at Spencer and Kevin, jealousy was also retrieved from the sight.  
He and his brothers weren't so close, distant strangers with the same last name. He didn't associate much with his older brother other than hearing, then believing, his thoughts about 'father dearest'. Having Aleks in the family was still new to him, he kept himself distanced as he didn't care for Aleks as a brother. They barely spoke, Dex didn't even know the color of his eyes. Were the blue like Jordan's? Brown like Monica's? Dan's? Perhaps gray alike his own?  
Dex bowed his head.   
He barely knew anything about his brothers, come to think of it. All he knew was that they were Aleksandr and Seamus Mathewson.   
But was they who they even wanted to be?  
"What is going on down here?!?" Jordan raised his tone as he marched down the steps, turning to see angry eyes, scowled expressions, and metaphorical steam rising. The shouts had stopped as Jordan entered the room, the three of them glaring at him, Aleks looking at his dad through helpless eyes.   
Seamus simply huffed as he walked past his father, not a word spoken as he made his way up the steps. Joe found this as a time to leave, returning to the basement to continue the movie. As James went to make his way to his room, Aleks ran across the room to his father, Jordan kneeling down so he could hold the crying boy.  
"Shh, shh, it's okay, Aleks." Jordan murmured to him, the twelve year old sobbing into the crook of his father's neck. "Don't cry, everything's alright now. Shh..." Jordan whispered, sighing to himself as he stared at the place the boys were once standing, trying to comprehend what had just happened.  
James remained with one foot on the first step, looking back at Jordan as he soothed his son. He looked at Aleks for a few more moments, feeling something in his heart ache as the other tried to calm his sobs. He didn't know what it was, but it hurt. He took a silent breath before making his way up the stairs, closing his bedroom door as quietly as he could.  
Aleks wasn't the only one crying.  
Seamus slammed his door shut once inside, anger coursing throughout him as well as a few tears finding their escape. He threw himself onto his bed, wiping at his eyes as he sniffled, needing to calm himself. He hadn't meant to say those words, that he didn't care. Care was all he really did, and now all who heard believed otherwise. Dex didn't think he cared. Aleks didn't think he cared. James, Kevin, Joe, Spencer.  
He was just an emotionless outcast to them.  
He couldn't smile. He actually missed how one felt. He couldn't cry. He was trying to stop from doing that now. He couldn't laugh, he couldn't pout, he couldn't even keep his lips at a line. They thought all he could feel was...nothing. He was numb when it came to feelings. Because that's what he made them believe. Not by just what he had said, but...because he didn't show how he felt.  
He used to be a happy kid, cheerful, social, a reason for many smiles. But, with the downfall of his parents' marriage, things took a turn. He felt let down by his mother, agreeing to leave. He felt underappreciated by his father, not understanding what was best for him and his brothers. His feelings had been hurt, and that was a sickening feeling. So...he stopped.  
Stopped showing what he felt. Stopped sharing what was going on on the inside. Stopped...being who he knew he was. He took everything, all his anger, all he happiness, all his sadness, and kept it locked away. Sealed up. Hidden from others. He only tended to it sometimes, let something out every once in a while.   
Usually...it was always tears.  
He kept his emotions bottled.  
Hm...like father, like son...


	9. Chapter 9

He kept glaring at that nightlight.   
It was still plugged in from last night, not on, of course, as now it was daylight. He couldn't concentrate off of it, it drawing his attention and never letting go, a leech sucking for blood. A pain. That was what the nightlight was to Dex, a pain. He felt embarrassed just by being in the same room as it, the dark wasn't an enemy to him. But, there was something else in the room was felt like one. Another pain.  
Kevin.  
The owner of the nightlight, the owner of the fear. The reason for Dex's unsettling stares at the small object in the wall. His thoughts on Kevin hadn't changed, in fact they worsened. He still thought Kevin to be somewhat of a baby, a wimp, a coward. Afraid of the simplest things like the lights turning out, or staying by himself in a room for more than thirty seconds. There had even been a storm a few days back, Kevin whimpering as he hid underneath of his blanket, holding a few stuffed animals close.  
The kid was scared of everything, perhaps even his own tiny shadow. He knew of Aleks to be afraid of certain things, himself included, but there was no possible way of being afraid of so much. An act for attention was how Dex found it, shedding tears and faking lies just to be noticed. The nightlight was a fake. The stuffed animals he owned were fakes. Dex even crossed the possibility that the inhaler was a fake, a desperate need to be in the spot light.  
Selfish. Dex thought Kevin was...selfish.  
They were playing with Kevin's Legos in silence, Kevin still trying to get used to forgiving and forgetting, as Spencer had taught him, but finding it difficult by what Dex had called him and said to him. And Dex's urge to bring up the nightlight tried so hard to push through, yet he kept his mouth shut. He bit his tongue, he pursed his lips, he clenched his teeth to try to prevent his mouth from opening.  
Yet, 'try and try again' didn't necessarily work.  
"Why is the dark so scary to you?" Dex spoke up, trying to sound as polite as possible. He had felt somewhat bad for the things he had said to Kevin before, everyone does have fears. Yet, some anger towards him was still involved since Dex believed Kevin's fears to be ruses.  
Kevin looked up from his blocks, he was building a helicopter for his new set. He met eyes with Dex, the two of theirs being two different colors and hues altogether. He set the helicopter down as he shrugged, not really wanting to open up to the person who caused him many tears. Tears on his pillow, on Jordan's shirt, and hidden behind his eyes.  
"Is there something you don't like about it? Or-or is there something in it that fears you? Why is it so scary?" Dex questioned, searching through the bin for a specific piece. He looked back up to Kevin, waiting for a reply from the other. Kevin sighed, taking his older brother's advice. Dex did seem interested, his voice nor face held any sign of disgust or revolt.  
Yet the voice in the back of Kevin's mind kept repeating 'not yet...'.  
"There are bad things in the dark." Kevin muttered, unsure of why he was confiding in Dex. "Monsters. I'm afraid they're going to take me away if I don't have a light on." He explained, fearing the monsters. Those same monsters took his mom away, took away his mother's life. As Kevin described it, it sounded like a fear of the dark, his brothers and father believing that, too. Yet it wasn't so much of the dark as it was of death.  
Kevin had a fear of dying.  
Yet, being at his young age, he didn't quite understand that. He just pinned his anxiety on something his imagination manifested.  
"Monsters? In the dark?" Dex clarified, Kevin nodding his head to ensure his statements further. But, he then wished he hadn't said a single thing once Dex began laughing. Dex threw his head back, taunting chuckles filling the air as the idea Kevin's mind birthed was ridiculous. "The monsters in the dark are going to get you...!" His voice trailed off throughout his chuckles, nearly falling back onto the floor.  
Kevin sat with his mouth open, his heart being punctured as his emotions broke down. Dexter's laughter really sent him over the edge, all of the things he had said finally tumbling down, causing Kevin to fall with the avalanche of criticism. He had been called names, he had been avoided, ignored completely, he had been yelled at, fought, pushed away, both physically and metaphorically. He had held in his tears until he was safe with Jordan after each heart ache, but this time was different.  
Kevin felt like Dex was laughing at his mom. Terrible things took her away, a truck, a drunken driver, the angel of death. Kevin was afraid of those bad things, but Dex found that absolutely pathetic. Pathetic that he missed his mom. Pathetic that he feared the same things that stole her would steal him. Pathetic that he felt fear. Fear wasn't the best of feelings, but what was so bad about it?  
Apparently to Dex, everything.  
Kevin began to tear up, he knew words shouldn't hurt him, but they felt like stones being thrown at his body of glass. He wiped at his tears, letting his helicopter fall onto the carpet as he rubbed both eyes. He let out a small whine, the barrier from tears and his eyes bursting. Dex calmed his laughter as he sat straight up, easing his smile while seeing Kevin try his hardest not to cry.  
"You're seriously crying?!?" Dex chortled again, his laughter a bit heavier as Kevin turned away from Dex completely, not wanting nor needing to see Dex's smug face as he teased him. "What is wrong with you?!? You cry too much!" Dex cracked up again as Kevin's crying was a bit hard for him to handle, it was coming on too strong, too strong for someone like Kevin to manage.  
It felt like no air was making its way to Kevin's lungs, mainly because...it wasn't. Not only was it a struggle to breathe while crying, the difficulty dropped him into the middle of an asthma attack. He leaned back against the closet door, gasping again and again for air, tears leaking out of his eyes in hundreds. His gasps were quiet, but at the same time loud, his yearn for oxygen screaming for help, but at the same time seeming to go unnoticed.  
Dex's smiled lessened for a moment before growing full, believing that this was a foolish attempt for pity and a thousand eyes. He didn't take it as an asthma attack, in fact, this wasn't as serious to Dex as it should've been. "Oh, what now? Do you need your inhaler?" He mockingly asked, the jeering question caused Dex's lungs to decompress as he laughed harder, while Kevin's wouldn't compress normally.  
Dex scrambled to his feet as he picked up the inhaler, making his way in front of Kevin, his grin turning more into a smirk. "Is-is this what you need?" Dex taunted, holding the inhaler close to Kevin as he tried to reach out for it. As his hand wavered in the air, Dex pulled it away, trying to stop his maniacal snickering. "Are you sure? I mean, you seem pretty fine to me." Dex giggled to himself, waving the inhaler around to tease Kevin.  
Kevin gasped again and again, his hand dropping from the air as he closed his eyes, fighting tears as well as the air. "You don't need this thing! It's all just a stupid act!" Dex taunted, his voice raising higher as well as his chuckles. He tossed the inhaler from hand to hand, although Kevin couldn't see his exacerbating action.  
All he could focus on was the pain.  
Jordan made his way up the stairs after making a lunch for the two twelve year olds, James and Aleks actually engaging in some conversation, it not being sarcastic or poor. Jordan was happy about that, hopefully a permanent truce would settle between the boys, relieving Jordan of a little stress. He took a light breath as he made his way passed Kevin and Dex's room. He had heard some commotion taking place within, the door opened a crack as he took a peek inside.  
He expected to see the two playing nicely, smiling, laughing, sharing.  
But, when he saw Kevin's crying face, he barged into the room immediately.  
"Kevin?" He wondered as he stepped frantically into the room, Kevin's eyes still closed as tears kept pouring, his breaths becoming weaker. "Dex, what is going-" He soon answered his own question as he saw the inhaler in Dex's hand being held in an affronting manner. "Dexter J. Mathewson!" Jordan raised his voice, taking the object from his son's hand before kneeling in front of Kevin, panicked as ever.  
"I-I-I'm sorry dad..." Dex tried to apologize, backing away from his father.   
"Dex, please. Not now." Jordan told him hastily in a worried manner, turning towards Kevin once again as the younger began to cough.   
"B-But dad-"  
"Dexter!" Jordan unmeaningly shouted at his son, his father never once yelled at him. In fact, he never yelled. When he was angry, he always kept it to himself, never letting others know of it and never taking it out on anyone. Even when Seamus started yet another argument, Jordan only tried to talk with him, he didn't ever raise his voice.  
The shout of his own name caused him to become silent as he ran out of the room, close to tears himself.  
Jordan returned to the other ten year old, placing his hand underneath of his head gently. "Kevin? Kevin, it's okay, open your eyes. Please, Kevin." Jordan instructed and begged, feeling tears sting his eyes. Kevin slowly opened his, his vision fuzzy as he noticed the warm, yet frightened, eyes of Jordan. "It's okay, it's okay." Jordan whispered as he held the inhaler to Kevin's lips, Kevin sucking in a deep breath as Jordan administered the medicine inside.  
Kevin swallowed as he felt a steady flow of air reach his lungs again, his eyes closing once more as he felt even frailer. Jordan placed the inhaler onto Kevin's bed, its use no longer needed as Kevin was able to breathe again. "You're okay, Kevin. You're alright, everything's gonna be fine." Jordan assured as he held the child close to him, whispering sweetly into his ear as Kevin feebly wrapped his arms around Jordan.  
Jordan pushed back tears, knowing his eyes would be bloodshot due to the strain. He heard Kevin's steady breathing in his ear, a good sign. He didn't know why his son would do this, jeer at Kevin due to something that wasn't even his fault. Taunting Kevin when he was suffering, Dex should've known better. Just to think if Jordan didn't walk into that room...  
He held Kevin closer, careful not to hurt his aching ribs.  
He felt like he was holding the younger for an eternity, making sure he was truly okay. He pulled away from their embrace, Kevin now sitting up onto his knees as Jordan placed a hand on his tiny shoulder. "You alright, Kevin?" He questioned, concern becoming his eyes. Kevin looked up, his eyes ending their cold rain of tears. He noticed Jordan's tear stained eyes, feeling bad for the fear he caused him.  
Kevin nodded his head, smiling to let Jordan know the truth, and to make him feel relieved. "I'm okay now, daddy." He told him with a weak, yet cheerful voice. He pushed himself up from his knees, hugging Jordan and kissing his cheek in appreciation. He backed up, returning to his cross legged position before hand.  
Jordan shyly smiled, raising a hand to the cheek Kevin kissed, the word 'daddy' beginning to repair his heart. He looked down at Kevin, awe flooding his mind as he knew Kevin thought of him as a father. At least he was a father to someone. "Would you like to play?" Kevin wondered, pointing to the bin of Legos that was now pushed to the side.  
Jordan chuckled at Kevin's generosity, placing himself in the same position Kevin was seated. "I haven't played with these in quite some time, but I can give it a shot." Jordan agreed, the ten year old chuckling at his father's humor.   
With Dan at his job for a majority of the day and evening, Kevin was a little sad that he was unable to see him as often. Yet, he wouldn't be alone. He had someone to help him when he felt upset. He had someone to make him smile all day long. He had someone who he could depend on, someone to look up to, someone to turn to no matter what. For comfort, for laughs, for...family.  
He had...his dad.  
********  
"Dexter?"  
He ignored the name. His name.  
"Dex? Where are you?" Jordan asked again, stepping down the stairs and searching the living room. His voice sounded soft, but Dex didn't answer to the call. That voice, at one point, rose to a level never before. He had never heard his father yell, especially at him. The sight and sound was terrifying, the anger in his eyes bleeding into his words.  
His shouts.  
His shouts that caused Dex to hide under the kitchen table.  
He had his legs pulled to his chest, his eyes watching his father's feet enter the living room from afar. He knew he would be noticed with time, but every moment he wasn't spotted was a blessing. Frankly, he was scared of his father, those blue eyes that slapped his heart. That expression of his that wore nothing, but detestation towards his son. Those eyebrows that grew heavy, those ears that refused to listen, that voice that caused him to run.  
Run and hide.   
"Dex? Please, are you down here?" Jordan asked again, checking behind the two couches. He sighed, needing to find his son and apologize. As much as the situation was serious, it was blinded to Dex's young eyes. Jordan shouldn't have yelled. Throughout the weeks spent here, tending to or dealing with the boys was getting harder and harder.   
They fought more often than not, name calling, put downs, occasional threats, arguments big or small, loud or quiet. Most were followed by crying, especially from the younger, Aleks and Kevin. The many times he had to hold them, calm them, stay with them until they felt okay again. Trying to speak with the others, talk about what happened, usually Dex and James.  
But, distractions would come up. Seamus and himself would bicker, taking his mind off of the other situations ongoing. He'd have to cook dinner, ask around to see what the others wanted. Joe would either have another complaint about Seamus. Other times it would be Spencer, yet he gave the older the benefit of the doubt. There would always be something for him to clean, the kitchen, the living room, the basement. A few of the boys would help from time to time.  
Things like that would get Jordan to forget about the arguments, allowing James and Dexter to taunt and taunt again.  
It was a vicious circle.  
"Dexter?" Jordan called out his name again, sighing as there was no sign of anyone in the living room except for himself. He looked over towards the kitchen, his eyes catching a glimpse of a small figure underneath of the table.  
He should've known, whenever Dex was in trouble or worried, he'd always hide under the kitchen table. He supposed it to be the last place anyone would look. Jordan wanted to smile to himself, remembering the smallest things about his son, but couldn't bring himself to do it as he was the reason for this search and rescue.  
He made his way to the kitchen, not needing to call the younger's name as he had found him. Dex knew he had been caught as he pulled his legs closer to him, placing his head on top as he stared blankly ahead. The table cover lifted a little, Jordan kneeling down onto the floor as he spotted Dex under the table, light tears still wading in his eyes.  
"Dexter? Can I talk with you?" Jordan wondered, taking a seat on the floor, his voice a bit above a whisper. Dex looked at his father, not trusting those sparkling blue eyes. He looked away, staring down at the glossy wooden floor beneath. He didn't answer, not like Jordan had expected him to. He rarely talked to him nowadays, lucky to get...more than three words out of him at a time...  
"Look, Dex, I'm sorry for raising my voice at you." Jordan apologized, feeling his heart slump with his shoulders. "I didn't mean to, I've just been...stressed...a lot lately. I shouldn't have taken it out on you." Jordan admitted, having to confess such hidden truth to a ten year old. "I'm sorry, Dexter." He repeated, wanting his son to know that he truly was.  
Dex only sighed, placing his head against his knees once again. Now that the apology was out of the way, he knew what was to come next.  
"But, what you did to Kevin wasn't okay.  
"That was extremely rude, not to mention hurtful." Jordan explained, needing Dex to understand. "Dexter, Kevin has asthma, he was having an asthma attack. He couldn't breathe, and you were in front of him, teasing him with his inhaler." The memory sent electricity to sting Jordan's heart. "That's never okay, Dex. Why on Earth did you do that?"  
If Jordan wanted the truth, the truth was what he was going to get.  
"Because I don't want to be here." Dex mumbled, his eyes meeting his father's with a piercing stare. "I don't want to be here with him, or Dan, or just even here." He was following in Seamus' footsteps, letting everything out. Whether it being Jordan's fault, or not. "I don't want to be a part of this family, I want our old family back. I don't want to be here." Dex started to tear up.  
"Dex, I'm sorry, but there is no other option for us." Jordan told his son, the words sounding so strict.  
"Yes, there is." Dex muttered, his gaze between them hurting Jordan immensely. "I have a mom out there." He nodded off towards the door, meaning that Monica was out in the world, somewhere. "And I know that I'd rather live with her and get ignored, than live here with your stupid happily ever after." He took the words from Seamus' mouth, ones Jordan hadn't heard before.   
Ones that left him speechless.  
He looked away from Dex as he took in the words, just like he was with everything else. Taking it all in. Dex crawled out from under the table, stood up, and left down the basement steps as he escaped from the tension with his father. He wouldn't dare go back into his room. At the moment, everything Seamus had been saying all this time seemed true. That Jordan wasn't meant to be a parent, and that a foster home would be better than this.  
Jordan let the table cover drape back down, he continued to sit on the floor in shock. Dex had never been so uncaring before, it seemed as if his compassion had literally...died. That smiling boy he once knew had turned his back on him, the shadows disguising him as someone Jordan didn't even know. Knowing that made Jordan's bottle of emotions crack a bit more, the sound crackling in his ears as a few tears rolled down his face.  
Life was better, but at the same time, it was worse. He had no worries about paying bills, working late hours at his job, managing a family after a divorce. Yet, just as he felt his feet float off of the ground, gravity doubled in order to make him fall back down.  
Hard.  
Seven boys were the cause of his stress. Eight...if you counted Dan. He barely saw him anymore, losing sleep while waiting up for him, and gaining more by waking up when Dan had already left. He was barely at home anymore, and without him here, a nightmare stormed on. Seamus only started arguments, them ending in tears, screams, or silence. Aleks was continually picked on, his nightmares become more frequent again as well as more terrible.  
Joe was becoming a little less friendly, his attempts to befriend Seamus only ended in more stress. Spencer and Joe were going through some tension, Jordan could notice. Joe's opinion was declared about Seamus on day one, Spencer still trying to tell Joe to give him more time. Joe's response: I think time's run out. James was turning back to who he once was before the death of Liz, insulting, uncaring, and nosy. Busy digging around in Aleks' business before another argument exploded.  
Kevin was getting quieter and quieter, to the point where it seemed as if he wouldn't speak for days. His fears kept increasing, especially of the dark. All the kid did anymore was cry, cry because...Dex made everything hurt. Everything on the inside, everything on the outside. He cried because he was in pain, pain due to who he was. And Dex only saw it as an act. A charade. A game to Kevin.  
But it wasn't just a game.  
It was Jordan's life splintering everything of him. Mind, soul, body.  
Heart.  
He stood up from his crouched position, wiping away the tears as he leaned himself against the tabletop. He took a shaky breath, letting it out a bit more steadily, trying to keep himself at ease. He had already lost his temper once today by mere accident. He couldn't afford to again, in fact, he couldn't afford to do it the first time. He needed to keep it together, for the kids.  
For the kids...  
He raised his head as he heard someone enter the other half of the kitchen, their footsteps leading from upstairs. He turned around to see the back of Joe's head as he pulled out a pitcher of lemonade from the fridge. "Hey, Joe." Jordan greeted him, knowing Joe's uplifting smile would change his mood. Yet, when Joe turned around, he wasn't met with just a smile.  
He was met with a bruise.  
Jordan made his way to Joe with concern, Joe knowing what Jordan was seeing. He had a bruise on his left cheek, the pulsating had stopped, but the sensitivity lingered as it was turning a light purple. "Joe, what happened? Where did you get that?" Jordan questioned, holding the side of Joe's face and grazing his thumb by it gently.  
Joe looked into Jordan's eyes, about to tell him the truth, yet refrained when seeing his father's eyes. As much as Jordan had tried to calm himself, the sides of his eyes remained bloodshot. The coners still possessed some water, the remains of tears. Jordan had been...crying... He knew of the stress Jordan had to deal with on a daily basis, feeling guilty whenever he added on due to Seamus. He didn't want to do it again.  
"I slipped going down the ladder from my bunk, fell forward, and hit my face on it." Joe chuckled, showing Jordan that it wasn't so much of a concern. Yet, it was also a lie. The truth was something Joe didn't want Jordan carrying around, another weight on his shoulders. Seamus was the real reason for the bruise, his fist to be more specific. Yet, that same fist would be the reason for Jordan's heart to hurt more, so he didn't speak of it.  
"Aw, that's a shame." Jordan sympathized, believing Joe's simple cover up. "Here, uh, I think there's something in the bathroom than can help with that, I don't think you want that bruise for any longer than it can stay." Joe giggled at that, the sound brightening Jordan up the slightest bit. "Here, I'll go check." He told Joe, making his way to the downstairs bathroom.  
Joe was thankful for his selflessness. Seamus may not have had it, but at least there was some of it within the family. Someone keeping it together. Not ony did Joe know about Jordan's stress due to the boys, he knew the family was breaking away from the inside out. Dan was barely at home, Aleks and James not getting along too well as well as Dexter and Kevin. Seamus and himself suffered strain from time to time, and he was slowly feeling it arising between himself and his twin.  
He didn't say anything, but...he found Spencer to be a little weak.   
Seamus kept putting Spencer down, his means of friendship and brotherhood being neglected. His attempts were only met with put downs by the older, insults with or without reason, made up on spot, or developed with time. He wouldn't stand up for himself, turning to his twin for reassurance and help. Help by confronting the fifteen year old. Before, he, too, had been greeted by snide looks, filthy words, and cockamamie comebacks.  
This was the first time Seamus had actually hit him.   
It hurt. A lot. It burned which caused tears to run down his face. Seamus only sneered, slamming his bedroom door shut once pushing Joe out of it. And where was Spencer during all of this? Not anywhere near, outside on the trampoline with his twelve year old brothers. He didn't even know about the bruise, about what Joe tried to do for him. He just dumped his problems and ran.  
Due to that, friction was created.  
Among them, and throughout the whole family.  
This showed through when the only ones at dinner were Jordan, Spencer, James, Aleks, and Kevin. Dex claiming he wasn't hungry, Seamus taking his plate up to his room, and Joe watching television in the basement.  
And Dan working. Like he always did anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

They say things get better with time. Wine, hangovers, a sickness.  
Well, things only got more stressful, bringing out the worst in everyone.  
This was no longer a family, some disagreeing, saying that it never one was in the start. Some still tried to hold it together, wanting to keep things neutral. Yet, neutral didn't exist in that one house on West Littleton Boulevard. It all felt like déjà vu to Jordan, as if he was living his life in circles. Everything felt all too familiar in all aspects, adult and child.  
Jordan fell for Dan in an instant, his heart numbing love made taking care of seven boys a simple act. Yet, as time rolled on, Jordan saw Dan only once a day, for a half an hour at the most. Without seeing his lovely eyes, his bright smile, hearing his calm voice, or his sweet chuckles, Jordan felt reality settle back in. Dan was Jordan's drug, but eventually the high dies down.  
Seven kids was a hassle. Yet, it left Dan believing that everything was alright, due to Jordan being too exhausted to let him know. He was focused more to his job than his family, unknowing that they needed him. He thought everything to be fine, perfect even. Everyone got along, there wasn't any serious deals, that they were just one big, happy family. Only because...the last true day he spent with them was...God knows how long back.  
It also left Jordan in awe. Not in wonder, but in fear. This was how his last relationship had ended, with strain. Strain...due to strain. Monica was always working, leaving Jordan to fend for the kids and himself. Now, that was much harder. He had four more responsibilities and he slowly felt himself become less of one. And Dan was following Monica's path, repeating it exactly. He was barely at home, in fact, his office at work was more of a home. His friends became his new family.  
While Jordan lived in a house with seven children who only fought, disturbed each other, and made one another cry.  
The boys fought constantly, arguments left and right, upstairs, down, starting in one room, continuing on into the other. It felt like Jordan could never fully escape drama, it being carried with him as he began a new life. The boys used to fight beforehand too, not as often, but when they did, it was hard. Seamus always claimed the upper hand, Dex threatened some pretty nasty things, some of which he was sent to his room for.   
And Aleks...Aleks never fought back.  
Those traits hadn't changed, Seamus taunting everyone, Dex being a little too honest, and Aleks just...letting it hurt him without a fight. More characters were thrown into the batch. Spencer was like Aleks, innocent and was only met by malignant terms and harsh criticism. James had turned back to who he used to be, his old self, if you will. He only put others down, words not holding much of a vary. Only from heart aching to tear inducing.  
Kevin was another punching bag, to be used to take one's stress away. But, the stress wasn't gone. Kevin took it in, it becoming his as he carried as much weight as Jordan. But at least Kevin could let it out. And Joe...a majority of the pressure being passed around always found it's way to the fourteen year old. Pressure and annoyance.  
"What did he say this time?"  
That was a question Joe was tired of asking. A question that at one point carried concern, yet dialed down to a tedious remark.  
"He said I was worthless." Spencer mumbled, pulling the blanket up higher to his neck as he moped. He was sitting on the farthest corner of his bed, Seamus' words feeling like they were slowly deteriorating him. They were nothing to him at first, blanks in his revolver. They didn't hurt, they were only for show. But slowly, they started taking affect. A poison coursing through Spencer's system as he slowly broke down.  
He was called useless, pathetic, a waste of space, mass, air. He had been given dirty looks, blank or threatening stares. Pursed lips or a sickening grimace. Occasionally the middle finger. He had been shouted towards, mumbled to, cursed at, insulted. He was told that he was annoying, that he didn't deserve to be born. He was forced to believe that he meant nothing, there was a reason why only his brother cared for him. He had been humiliated, put down, absolutely hated.  
And today, he was worthless.  
"You didn't say anything?" Joe questioned, adjusting himself in his bean bag chair. He already knew the answer by now, Spencer couldn't stand up for himself. He was a coward when facing Seamus, he never pushed back. It was expected from Kevin, understanding his many fears. Aleks was an exception as well, the poor kid had already been through so much. But, Spencer was fourteen, he should be able to battle his enemies alone.   
But, he didn't even battle. He just caught what was thrown, handed it to Joe, and let him work through it.  
Alone.  
"I didn't want to get hurt." Spencer defended, although it was a pretty weak comeback. "Seamus scares me, I'm already on his bad side. I don't want to get further into it and have him hit me, or something." He knew he wouldn't be able to stand the pain, he knew he wasn't so strong either. That's why he avoided conflict and tension, he couldn't handle a worrisome situation like that.  
"So, it's okay if I get hit?" Joe retaliated, a bit tired of his twin's frailty. Spencer opened his eyes wider, shaking his head as he opened his mouth, but no words came out as Joe spoke before he had a chance. "He punched me last week, I got punched standing up for you, and you didn't even show the slightest bit of concern." Joe brought up, Spencer owning a dash of fear in the eyes.   
"You only look out for yourself, you don't give a single fuck if anyone else is hurt!" Joe raised his voice, standing up from his seat as Spencer gasped at his language. Seamus was having a large impact on everyone whether he realized it, or not. "As long as he's off your God dammed back, that's all you care about!" This was the world through Joe's eyes.  
"No, Joe, that's not true. I just need-"   
"Needed someone to take the pain for you because you're too fucking weak to deal with being hurt!" Joe cut his brother off stepping closer to the bottom bunk. Spencer backed farther away from Joe, but this wasn't the Joe he loved as a brother. He was...angry, Joe was never angry. He didn't yell, he didn't curse, he didn't hurt Spencer more than he already was. Joe was acting more like...Seamus...  
"He gave me a bruise that lasted four fucking days! But that's fine!" Joe continued, his sarcastic demeanor taking effect. "As long as it's not on your face, it means the whole freaking world!" He took a step back, making his way towards the bedroom door.  
"Joe? Wait, where are you going?" Spencer frantically asked, although afraid, he still cared for his brother.  
"To go stand up for your worthless, sorry ass again. Maybe I'll get a black eye, if I'm lucky!" Joe taunted, calling Spencer the same word as Seamus. He left the bedroom door slightly ajar, not wanting to slam it and cause the attention to be on him. Spencer stared at the door in shock, retrieving everything Joe had said as it stung him like venom. Though half were true and half were half assed assumptions, they all pained Spencer equally.  
Yes, he admitted it, he was weak. He was frail, unable to depend on only himself. He needed support, support from the one person he had with him throughout his entire life. Joe, his twin brother who he loved with all his heart. And as much as Joe was brave enough for the both of them, Spencer felt like he had abused Joe's loyalty. Using his own brother to his advantage to hide from the fifteen year old, a shield.   
He was using Joe a...human shield.  
But, he did care for him. When he saw that bruise, his heart drowned in his own blood. He couldn't stand the fact that Seamus hurt his brother, but he was too feeble to do anything. Too cowardice. Self centered?   
...probably...  
Joe knocked on Seamus' door fairly loud, not even hesitating to open it thereafter. Seamus looked up from his phone, studying the boy who entered the room, and glowered with irritation. Before he had the chance to say one thing, Joe had beaten him to it. "I am fucking done will your bullshit." Joe hissed, standing just to the side of Seamus' bed.  
"I am absolutely tired of you constantly beating down on someone, especially Spencer." He grit his teeth at the name. He couldn't even stand his own brother... "The only one in this house that has fucking problems is you, and I cannot wait for you to finally see that." Seamus' eyes turned mean as he listened to what Joe had to say, his protective manner getting a little more cut throat.  
"You want to talk about problems? Here's one, uh, you have the weakest brothers I have ever met. Kevin's fucking afraid of every little thing. Aleks used to get abused by his true father and he still has more courage than your excuse for a sibling." Seamus attacked, Joe absolutely appalled by his strike on his younger brother, and even insulting one of his own.  
"James is a complete fuck up, the living definition of a reject. Might want to check if he was adopted, too, his true parents were probably addicts and junkies. I swear the kid's bipolar." Joe stood there, speechless. "Spencer needs to be taught a fucking lesson or two, he's too innocent for his age. He needs to get his head out of his two year old ass, and fucking grow up.  
"And as for yourself, Joseph, you're related to all fucking three of them which means you're all so similar. You're all pathetic, especially you." The words had ended as Seamus showed a snide smile, blue and brown eyes facing each other's demons. The insults didn't mean a single thing to Joe, but what he had said about his brothers was about to send him over the edge.  
"Why are you still here? Do want me to name more hiccups in your life?" Seamus rudely questioned, not giving time for Joe to respond. "Maybe I could bring up your dad and how he works all the God damned time. When was the last time you talked to him? Had a meal with him? Spent any time with him? How about this, when was the last time you even saw him?" The pain was pushing Joe a little further.  
"Or...," Seamus snickered to himself, "...maybe I should bring up your mom. You wouldn't mind, would you?" He rudely questioned, knowing what was the end of Liz. That didn't stop him from talking about it.   
That was where the line had been far from crossed.  
"You son of a bitch!" Joe yelled, stepping forward to Seamus' bed before landing a fist across his face. Seamus was startled by the sudden action, not expecting things to get physical this time. Yet, Joe had drug it there. As Joe realized what he had done, Seamus swung back quickly, punching Joe's lip as he had broken it open. Joe stumbled backwards as Seamus stepped off of the bed, walking quickly towards Joe as his hand wrapped around his neck. He ran Joe into the wall, holding him there by his semi-clenched hand.  
"You're a fucking piece of shit." Joe murmured, blood trailing down his lip and onto his chin, a drip dribbling onto Seamus' pale hand. Seamus squeezed a little tighter, Joe groaned weakly due to the pain.  
"And that's all you're ever going to be." Seamus muttered, removing Joe from the wall and pushing him out of the room, shutting and locking the door straightaway. Joe staggered into the hall, regaining his balance against the wall that hosted pictures of himself and his three brothers. He studied them in the lack of light, the hallway dim as nighttime came a little too quickly.  
There was one of Kevin, he was nine it was taken, a few months before the car accident. He was smiling, the kid always had a smile. He was wearing a green and white striped shirt, one of his favorites, Joe recalled. He seemed so happy...and Seamus claimed that he didn't own an ounce of courage in his body.  
He looked over to one of James, this year's spring picture taken at school. James had such a nice smile, his eyes shining a bit when he did. Both traits he got from Liz and Dan, not from any other parent. James was a Gidlow, he didn't come from another family. There were no junkies, there were no addicts. And James was surely not bipolar. Everyone gets angry, Seamus, of all people, should know. James was only innocent. Perhaps a bit confused, but innocent.  
He kept looking onward to see a photo of Spencer and himself, both twelve at the time. Joe remembered when that picture was taken, both Liz and Dan were behind the camera. Spencer wore a bright smile, hugging his brother closely, his blue eyes being passed down from somewhere in the family tree. He regretted yelling at his brother, it's okay for people to have fears and insecurities. It's just the way of life, Spencer was only human.  
It had been a while since he had seen his brother smile, and due to his words, it would probably be even longer. And when his eyes met the past of himself, he couldn't remember the last time he truly grinned.  
He couldn't even look at a picture of Liz without tearing up.  
He sighed as he made his way to the bathroom, turning on the light and stepping in front of the sink. He stared into his swarthy, brown eyes, them trailing down to the blood covering his lip and chin. He dampened a cloth, cleaning it the best he could, the mark continuing to be prominent.  
Maybe it'll look better by morning, Joe thought to himself as he turned off the light, leaving the bathroom to get ready for bed.  
•••  
"You hover like a hummingbird  
Haunt me in my sleep..."  
Aleks quietly sang to himself as he began organizing the dresser on the farthest side of the room. He knew James to be somewhat of a disorganized person, yet, he didn't mind it all too much. He had decided to clean up the room today, it didn't bother him. He actually found it quite enjoyable, it gave him time to himself which was a relief in a house of nine. He had put the dresser off for a little while, it being the last thing to take care of due to it's cluttered mess.   
"You're sailing from another world  
Sinking in my seat..."  
He yawned slightly, it was nearing his bedtime by the second. He rubbed at his eye as he continued to silently sing, placing another of James' shirts into the hamper for cleaning.   
"You're feeding on my energy  
I'm letting go of it  
She wants it..."  
He straightened out half of the bureau, beginning to work on the second half. He picked up another article of James' clothes, yet as he lifted it, it revealed something. His singing had stopped as he tossed the blue pair of pants into the basket, his focus returning to something else on the dresser, something he didn't know if it was hidden on purpose.  
He lifted up a picture frame.  
The frame was nothing spectacular, black, shiny, four by six, perhaps smaller. Inside was a picture around about the same size of two people, a woman and a boy, the boy he recognized almost immediately. It was James, he looked a bit younger, perhaps by a year or two. He wore a bold smile, an unusual sight for Aleks. He looked relatively happy, his arms around the woman as he hugged her, Aleks had seen her from pictures in the hall.  
James' mom.  
She looked like a sweet woman, brown hair pulled back into a high ponytail. Her light lips were smiling as brightly as James, her pink cheeks blushing as her eyes were the same mahogany of her son's. She had one arm draped around him, pulling him close to her. It was a beautiful picture, Aleks didn't understand why James would hide it as such. Aleks wasn't sure what happened to former Mrs. Gidlow, all he knew was that she was gone now.  
And Jordan was now filling her spot in Dan's heart.  
Aleks couldn't keep his eyes off of the picture, the frame still in his hand as the door opened suddenly, another stepping into the room. Aleks looked up to see James walk in, meeting eyes with him as he partially froze. James' eyes glanced down at the photo in Aleks' hand, Aleks showing it to him. "Is this your mom?" He innocently asked, hoping James would finally open up and talk to him.  
Instead, James made his way to Aleks and snatched the picture back immediately, the force hurting Aleks somewhat. "Why the hell are you going through my stuff?!?" James snapped, placing the picture back down onto the messy side of the dresser. Aleks was paralyzed by fear, he didn't mean to upset James by any means.   
Even the simple subject of his mom saddened James, he wasn't completely over her death. He hated talking about it which is why he didn't. He didn't want to cry because crying wouldn't bring her back. Only in memories and dreams, conversation and photos was where she remained. And above all, in the hearts and minds of her family.   
"I-I'm sorry, I was just cleaning up and I found-" He gestured to the picture that was aimed face down, the stand raised up in the air on a slant.   
"That's no excuse! You don't touch my stuff! No one gave you permission, so you shouldn't!" James fought back, Aleks taking a step away out of fear.  
"I was just curious about her..." Aleks' voice trailed off, trying to explain things the best he could. Whenever James got like this, Aleks almost always ended up in tears. He knew, deep down, this time wouldn't be any different, no matter how strong he tried to be.  
"Yeah, well, maybe you don't deserve to know about my family!" James retaliated, his voice raising slightly higher. "You don't need to know about her because she wasn't your mom! She wasn't your family! And you're not mine!" All the while, Aleks kept backing away from the other as he ranted on and on, stepping closer and closer. "You don't belong here! We're going to send you back to the broken family you came from!"  
James was only making assumptions about Aleks' true family. He had no idea that...it was the truth. The Marchant's were broken.  
And that's how Aleks appeared.  
His breaths were soundless, almost nonexistent. His eyes welled with tears, them flooding down his face. He believed James' words to be true as they caused fear to swell in his aching heart. He thought that was the truth, the reason Jordan was stressed all the time. He was going to give Aleks back to his other family, given back to the hands of Sherman. Those same hands that hurt him so much...  
Aleks ran out of the room.  
He nearly tripped going down the stairs, needing to get away from room, needing to get away from him. And he would soon enough. In a short while, he'd return to a shaky life of an abusive father. No more Jordan, no more Dan, no more Dex, Kevin, Seamus. Seamus had even said that his older life was better, but it wasn't. He didn't live it, he wasn't there. He didn't want to go back to Sherman Marchant, thirty nine, brutal, and always carrying a beer bottle.   
There was only one place Aleks felt safe now. Seamus had his room. Dex had the underside of the kitchen table. Aleks hid behind the couch. He pulled his legs to his chest, hearing his heart thump in his ears as he let out a helpless sob. At this point, he felt like he had no one, going back to the start of his life. He had no brothers or sisters to support him, he had no motherly love and kindness, and nothing, but absolute hatred was delivered from his father.  
That was then. This was now.  
Now hurt worse than then.  
James treated him like complete garbage, the exact way his old father did, minus the bruises and blemishes. Seamus' words hurt as bad as them, leaving scars on his heart, spelling out the taunts. Dex ignored the suffering he experienced, the help he needed, the comfort yearned for. Joe had his head in the clouds, storm clouds as he was oblivious to everything except for his own reason for vexation.  
The only ones who hadn't hurt him were Spencer and Kevin, the only rays of light left in the black hole of a family. Spencer tried his best to tend to Aleks when he was down, attempting to cheer Aleks up with movies, videogames, and various activities outdoors. It might have worked with Kevin, but it didn't make Aleks' smile last much longer.  
Kevin had been sweet to him, he had a bubbly personality that fit him well. Yet, Kevin was younger, not old enough to understand the troubles Aleks was going through. Besides, with Dex almost haunting Kevin, he had his own worries to take care of. Kevin was consoling, but he wasn't always there when Aleks needed someone as solacing as himself.  
And Dan was never there.  
Aleks had found Dan to be a terrific father, immediately calling him family. He was tender, funny, and reminded him a lot of his own father. Yet, it had been approximately a month since he had spent a full day's length with him, the hours he was working were rather ridiculous. He didn't have a father to go to when needing compassion.  
And he had learned that his other father was giving him away.  
Aleks cried a bit louder, feeling loneliness enter his life like a chilly wind.  
It didn't take long for Jordan to hear the crying as he made his way down the steps. He had just laid his head onto his pillow for the night before he heard the familiar sound of sobbing. Except, this time it wasn't light as he was used to it. It was heavier, bolder, ...sadder. Jordan opened his weary eyes as he lifted himself from the bed, opening the bedroom door, and finding the source.  
It wasn't emitting from James' room, which was a bit odd. It was Aleks' crying, but where was Aleks? He entered the living room, turning on the light as he neared one of the two couches, the one Aleks was crouched behind. He kneeled down next to his son, his back in need of soft support as it ached from day to day. Aleks would usually embrace Jordan as he came by his side, but Aleks was afraid of his father. The man he had relied on so much...was going to be handing him over to his worst nightmare.  
"Aleks? Sweetheart, is everything alright? Why are you down here?" Jordan mumbled, genuinely concerned. Aleks had never cried this strongly before, even during his first nightmare at the other house. Something more than a bad dream occurred, something Jordan was worried to hear about.  
Aleks was a little reluctant to begin, but at this point, he just begged for someone to listen. "J-James started yell-yelling at me and-and said that you-you're going to g-give me back to my-my re-real family..." Aleks stuttered, choking on each and every sob. He hiccupped as Jordan lost the ability to breathe, devastated that James would ever say such a thing. Jordan knew James didn't know Aleks' true family, but he shouldn't have brought them up. Well, him up.   
"Y-You're not go-going to, are you..?" Aleks questioned, needing to know the truth. He looked up at his father with blurred vision, afraid of the words he was about to speak. At first, Jordan was lost for words, yearning to reassure his son, but unable to bring himself to say anything he needed to hear.  
"Aleks, I would never give you up like that." Jordan whispered to his son, tears leaking out from his bottled feelings. The pressure was too much, it feeling like a cement block inside of his chest. He held the side of Aleks' face with his hand, comforting him as it hurt to look into his red, swelling eyes. "Aleks, I would never do that to you. Okay? Because you are a very important part of this family. You're a great brother to the boys, and you are my son." He paused.  
"And I love you so, so much." Aleks' heart relaxed at that, relief settling in as he was hearing the truth. He could tell it was by the sound of Jordan's voice, the caring expression on his face, and the sight of tears swimming in his blueberry eyes. Jordan kissed Aleks' forehead before holding him closely, Aleks' tears falling into the crook of his father's neck.  
"Daddy, daddy, dad, daddy..." Aleks muttered again and again, holding onto Jordan's shirt with clenched fists.   
"Shh, shh, I'm here, Aleks. And I'm never going to let you go." Jordan murmured, softly whispering into his ear. He lifted his son, rocking him back and forth like he always did when he was too worked up. "It's okay, it's okay. Don't cry, Aleksandr. I'm right here." He kissed his son's cheek as he tried to end his crying, taking deep breaths again and again. "Shh, daddy's right here."  
Aleks sniffled again, holding onto his father a bit tighter, not wanting to let go of him. Never wanting to let go of him.   
"All those eyes on me  
As I sink into the open sea..."  
Jordan hummed to his son, patting his back the lightest he could to comfort him.  
"Color in my sheltered mind  
Fill the gap between you and I..."  
Jordan inhaled sharply, holding back his tears. Each heartbreak from each of his kids added onto his own, the pain they undergo becoming his. All the yells filled his ears. All the tears filled his eyes. All the feelings just kept getting poured and poured, sealed and sealed. Eventually that bottle would burst from the pressure, or overflow and flood. And either would happen soon, it felt like he couldn't keep that cork down for much longer.  
"We are the sleepers  
We bite our tongue  
We set the fire  
And we let it burn..."   
Letting a few tears slip here and there wasn't helping, ten tears having a point percentage of how much he had gathered inside. The majority was sadness, sadness turning his heart from red to blue. Sadness which turned his smiles into fakes. Sadness which made days a little longer, made nights a little restless, made everything for Jordan become surrounded by pain.  
He couldn't describe how it felt.  
"Through the dreamers we hear them hum  
They say come on, come on let's go  
So come on, come on let's go..."  
He missed Dan. His exhaustion got to the best of him which made him sleep earlier and wake later, missing Dan completely. He'd sometimes call on his break to check up with Jordan, the sound of his friendly voice not being enough. Jordan wanted to lay his head on his chest as they snuggled. He wanted to sit him next to him at the dinner table. He wanted to hold his hand, he wanted to make more memories with him, he wanted to hug him, hold him, treasure him, kiss him.  
He missed the feeling.  
Both of them did.  
"I know that it's a waste of time  
Chasing in the dark   
But keep me in your clouded minds  
Till time ignites a spark..."  
It had taken two and a half songs later, but Jordan finally managed to get Aleks to sleep. He kissed his cheek gently, never wanting Aleks to believe in such terrible lies. He slowly carried Aleks up the stairs, his hair beginning to fall into his eyes with each step Jordan made. He removed one hand from Aleks' back for a brief second as he opened the door to his bedroom, the boy already dressed for bed.   
James looked up from the item in his hand at the sound of the door opening, he was looking at the picture Aleks had discovered on the dresser. He couldn't keep his eyes off of his mom, in pictures would be the only place he'd see her anymore. He missed everything about her, her style, her sense of humor, her laugh, her cooking, she always made the best pasta salad.   
He missed her sweet scent, something like lavender with a hint of chocolate. He missed putting on her glasses as she laughed with him. He missed her help with his homework, he missed watching movies with her, he missed her nighttime kisses on his forehead. He missed her hugs. He missed her smile. He missed...her.  
As much as he missed her, he couldn't talk about her without breaking down into a fit of tears. Yet, not talking about her caused Aleks to do it for him.  
Jordan shyly entered the room, the only sound being the soft creak of the door. James glanced up, eyes meeting the other's as he noticed the small figure in his hands. Aleks. And when taking a second look, Jordan's eyes didn't look all too happy. "James." Jordan kept his voice low for the sleeping twelve year old in his arms. "I need to talk with you in the living room. I'll be down in a minute." Jordan informed him as James nodded his head, placing down the photo as he climbed off of his bed.  
As he left his room, James caught a glance at Aleks as he turned his head. His head was nuzzled against his father's shoulder, his eyes gently closed and covered with tears. Some tears were drying on Jordan's white shirt, but they were still noticeable. He had heard the crying from his room, it lasting longer than usual. It was soon followed by minutes upon minutes of soft singing, the lyrics James didn't quite understand.   
But he did to Jordan's words as he made his way down each step with care and took a seat on the couch, waiting to be talked to.  
Jordan sighed as he lowered Aleks onto his bed, the heavy crying would most certainly put him out for the night. He placed him in the warm confides of his bed, his small body almost being engulfed. He draped the blanket up to his son's waist before wiping away his tears, many of which had already dried. He looked down at his son, feeling ever so guilty for all of the pain he had ever experienced throughout his life.  
Aleks wouldn't talk about the events that went on in that house, many details left untouched. Yet, there was enough evidence to show that Sherman was abusing Aleks, therefore he was taken away by social services. When wanting to adopt him, Jordan had learned about Aleks' past, this bringing the poor man to tears. Aleks had been accompanied with fear all his life, he had been in acquaintance with pain, accustomed to multiple levels of anxiety.  
And many, many marks.  
Jordan had heard about them, they said Aleks came in with a cut on his chin, two bruises on his right side, a blemish on the back of his neck, and a few scratches on his forehead. Imagining them was painful enough, but it wasn't until Jordan saw one where he wanted to take care of Aleks, and give him the family and life he deserved.  
It was during Aleks' first nightmare, Jordan was holding him closely after about an hour of crying. He was mumbling calming phrases into his ear, the clock counting the seconds after midnight. It was actually working, Aleks' crying had died down to just a few simple sniffles here and there. Throughout the time, Aleks' shirt had been lifted slightly, his left sight revealed to the air of the room.   
Not only his skin, but his scars.  
Jordan saw them by accident, four scars on his side, the only thing Jordan could imagine to do such damage was nails. A woman's nails. His mother used to abuse him before she left them, the scars on his side being the only trace of her anymore. Her only reminder was what she did to Aleks. He placed his hand on top of them, an act of acceptance of Aleks, and to hide them from his now teary eyes.  
His eyes that were still teary to this day.  
He bent down and placed a feathery kiss on Aleks' forehead, wishing him good dreams. He turned off the light soon after, closing the door silently to not disturb the younger. He closed his eyes once the click of the door had been heard, fighting the tears trying to consume his eyes. He pushed them away with a biting of his lip, the action causing his bottle to feel a bit more crowded. No matter how much it hurt, he kept swallowing the pain.  
In amounts almost too large to take in.  
He made his way down the steps, looking up to see James with his head down, staring at his wringing hands. He could tell he was nervous, but that didn't mean he would get away scott free about this. He was tired of the constant fighting James and Aleks did, mainly just James. If he could solve one of the problems in this house, then maybe he'd be under less tension. Perhaps, James would be, too.  
Jordan took a seat on the couch's separate footrest in front of James, sighing as he met eyes with the twelve year old boy. James only stayed in their gaze for a few more moments before drifting his eyes back down, feeling guilty for the first time in a long time. "Are you made at me?" James whispered, his voice quiet due to the late hour and the several sleeping others.  
Jordan let out a low breath. "A little." He told James, not wanting to cut any corners with this conversation. What James had said was horribly wrong, and he had to learn that. "Aleks has been through a lot with his old family. Some things I dare not to repeat, most I don't know. But, what I do know is...he was hurt very badly by them. He shouldn't have had to deal with what he has. And it's better if he isn't reminded of it, or have it used against him." James hung his head, the truth about Aleks was something he always wanted to know.  
And now he did.  
It caused a hole in his heart to fill with pity, self resentment, and...sorrow.  
"Why did you say that to him?" Jordan questioned, leaning forward a bit in his seat, the air conditioning needing to be turned up as the summer air made the night hot and muggy. Inside and out.   
James didn't answer, keeping his mouth closed out of fear. He didn't know how to explain it, to an adult at that. Someone more mature and held more power who wouldn't take any excuses for a child's taunt. "It's alright, James. You can be honest with me, I'm not going to get too angry with you." Jordan explained, James lifting to Jordan's eyes once more. They held the truth along with his words.  
James felt on thin ice, slipping and sliding as the ground began breaking beneath him. The cold water beneath started rising up, threatening to freeze everything just by a touch. He didn't know what to do, panic not being the best life preserver. He was stuck, and in his desperate moment, he let it all out. "It's because...I'm not ready for this change with our family." James mumbled, the carpet being the go to object for a distraction from Jordan's eyes.  
"I really miss my mom, and ever since she...died...I knew our family wouldn't be the same again." At the mention of his mother, he saw tears form in his eyes, them blocking his vision and falling out. "But, I had gotten used to things without her, and...everything was okay. And now...now my dad met you, and you have your own family and we're all trying to become one. And it's not working and...I'm not ready for a change like this."  
Jordan had no idea that this was what James was going through. It was much deeper than just an insult, it was feelings buried overtime being unveiled to the world for once. And all at once. "This doesn't-doesn't f-feel like much of a fam-family, and I'm s-scared of us-us trying to be." James began to stutter with his words, his sobs getting heavier and heavier.  
"I-I'm just angry-angry at it all, and...I'm so-sorry I'm taking it out on-on Al-Aleks..." James apologized, rubbing his tired and watery eye. "I'm just...I'm not ready...I'm just scared..." James finished, wanting to make more of his point, but couldn't as his weeps and tears multiplied. But, based on what he had said, Jordan understood his means.  
James missed his mom, she being a large part of the family and a large impact due to her demise. No one could replace who she was or her role in the family, and James was scared that Jordan would try to as well as Aleks, Seamus, and Dex. He wasn't Liz, in fact, he was far from her. He wasn't the woman who had touched James' heart, then blew out like a candle. He was a stranger, a new comer, a scare, and a heart attack all rolled into one.  
Things were okay without Liz, James explained, life was stable, not freezing, nor sweltering. It was calm, cool, enjoyable. But, this new family brought it all off balance. The fighting. The screaming. The arguments. James only added onto it, and he felt bad about it. He took his frustration out on Aleks, yet a single word he said he didn't mean. Yet, due to his anger, it seemed like he did. Which is why he did it again and again.   
Which is why Aleks cried again and again. And why the nightmares came about more often.  
"I'm sor-sorry..." James muttered, his voice much more hushed. "I-I know you're go-going through a lot, and I'm-I'm only adding onto i-it..." He buried his face in his hands, he hadn't wanted to cry. Especially in front of an adult. But, when he let everything out, it wasn't just what Jordan needed to know. It was everything James had locked inside ever since the funeral over a year ago.  
"Oh, James." Jordan whispered, removing himself from the footrest as he knelt onto the floor, hugging James as he cried into Jordan's shoulder. "I know, I know. Things are a little hard right now, and I thank you for seeing that. I didn't mean to disrupt your life, I had no idea you were going through that." James dialed his sobs down to listen to Jordan. "I'm sorry I made things harder, and that I'm not...your mom.  
"I know you miss her, she sounded like an amazing woman." Jordan continued whispering into James' ear, rubbing circles into his back to calm him. "I'm not going to try and replace her. I will try to be the best dad I can be. I know it won't be the same as having her around, I get that. You've barely known me for almost two months." He heard James chuckle lightly at that. He pulled away to look at the twelve year old in the eye, wiping away a few of James' tears as he did.  
"I know this isn't the definition of a perfect family, surely isn't the definition of perfect." The two chuckled at that. "But...I'm going to try and make things work. I'm going to try to be a good dad. And once you know that, I don't think you should be so scared anymore." James grinned at that, realizing that he wasn't. He was afraid of Jordan trying to replace his mom, trying to fill her shoes and become the new her. But...he was only trying to be the next best thing.   
He wasn't Liz, and he knew it. He was Jordan, and he was only trying. That relieved James' heart, and made it feel something he hadn't in a long time.   
Love.  
"You're a great dad." James mumbled, happy that someone had listened to him and understood. Even happier to realize that that someone wasn't going anywhere. He was here to stay, he was his family. He was his dad.  
Jordan giggled. "And despite everything...you're a great son." Jordan replied, placing a kiss atop his head once Jordan stood up. He ruffled James' curly hair, James smiling at the action. "You should be getting to sleep, little man. You look like you could use some." Jordan commented, taking care of James' necessities first. As the focus became more and more off of him, his own need of sleep sounded miniscule compared to James'.   
It wasn't as important.  
James nodded, agreeing as the two made their way up the steps, Jordan flicking off the lights. That conversation had opened a lot of things for James, from doors to his mind. But, the most important thing it opened was his eyes. The way he was treating Aleks was almost inhumane, judging him solely upon the fact that he was adopted. That he was the way he was due to the way his other family treated him. It wasn't Aleks' fault, but James had made it seem that way.  
And the crying from Aleks showed that he had made Aleks believe it.  
"Night, dad." James whispered, turning the knob on his bedroom door. Jordan replied with the same departure directed towards James before making his way back to his bedroom. James opened the door and turned on the light, the room becoming revealed to his eyes of dried tears. They traveled their way to Aleks' bed, studying his sleeping face.   
He felt terrible for making him cry, his guilt weighing down on him all at once. It was as if he had ignored it, thus it made him feel none. Yet, now he couldn't help, but face it. And it made him cry as many tears as there were stars in the sky. Aleks' eyes were still slightly red from rubbing and sobbing, the skin surrounding them appearing a little tight from the drying tears. He wanted to make that sight go away, it only reminding James of the cries he let out only moments earlier.  
He wanted to make Aleks feel better, he was family now. He never should've tried to push him away, it being the largest mistake he could make. Aleks was his brother, and with that sudden strike of guilt came an immediate wave of appreciation for Aleks. He just wanted to make him smile, laugh, only shed tears of joy. He wanted to be a good brother. Just like how Jordan was trying to be a good father.  
And Jordan was.  
James walked over to Aleks' bed, Aleks laying on his side facing the other. He had moved in his sleep from where Jordan had placed him, the blanket falling somewhat and the hem of his shirt lifting. James' eyes looked at his exposed skin, somewhat of his stomach was shown along with his side. But, there was something on his side, four pink cuts that looked at if they had been there for a while.  
Scars.  
Jordan mentioned Aleks' family used to hurt him, James only figured emotionally like what he had done. It wasn't just that. They had hurt him in a worse kind of way, in a way to cause marks of all sorts and colors. James pushed away more tears at the sight of the cuts, knowing they would never go away. He touched them gently, tracing his finger over one as a tear rolled down his tan cheek.  
The sudden touch jolted Aleks out of his sleep, James taking his hand away as Aleks' eyes slowly opened, followed by them closing, almost squinting at the light above. He opened them again, his consciousness and vision returning to see James standing before him, his eyes extremely glossy. Fear began piling onto Aleks before he noticed the others eyes, tears resembled sadness.  
James was sad. And sorry by his next action.  
James placed a hand on the three inches of bed not taken up by the other, bent down slightly, and placed a small kiss on Aleks' brow, not being tall enough to reach his forehead. He pulled back, looking into Aleks' eyes that wore a suit of confusion. "I'm sorry." James whispered, Aleks could tell his words deemed truth. Mainly because...James never apologized. "I shouldn't have scared you, that was wrong. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm really sorry."  
He wasn't expecting an answer from Aleks, only to be met with silence and a turn of the back. But, instead, Aleks smiled, sitting himself up as he yawned quietly. "It's okay. I forgive you." He answered, his voice low as he heard a door close in the background. James smiled back, this being the first time he had seen one of Aleks'. Aleks had a beautiful smile, it kind of reminded him of his...  
...mom's...  
That had been what the whole argument was about, family. Aleks was only interested in James' mom, mainly because James never spoke of her. It left many questions unanswered that Aleks had, him turning into the solemn type like James. But, that was going to change. It may have been late at night, but he was taking this opportunity as a bonding experience.   
James turned from the bed, making his way across the room and opening his closet. He pulled out two books, one leather bound, and the other with a pink and blue binding. He returned to Aleks' bed, climing onto it and next to the other, pushing the two books in front of them as he opened the black bound book to begin with. It was a photo album, one James hadn't look in for a long time. Ever since...Liz...  
The first picture was of Dan and Liz before any of the boys were born. Yet, after their marriage as you could tell by their left hands. Dan had his arm around his wife, he seemed a bit thinner back then. Liz had her head rested on Dan's shoulder, her hair parted to the side. They both wore a toothy smile at the camera, their eyes the same hue. James never remembered who was behind the camera despite the many times his mom had reminded him.  
This felt like going through them again and again with his mom, it was their favorite pastime. She had a few of her own somewhere around the house, but James hadn't bothered looking for them. He had no reason to, he had no one to look them over with anymore.   
He would always look over his mom's shoulder when she turned the pages, her explaining the time, event, and memories each photo held. Her and Dan always went on tangents of their shared past after that, James not knowing what they were speaking of as he kept glaring at the photo.  
It felt good to do it again. But, instead of being the one to listen, he guided his brother through the pictures of his parents' past.   
He could recite every word his mother said about each one almost to a T.  
He pointed to the woman in the photo. "That's my mom. Her name was Elizabeth, but my dad always called her Liz." James chuckled as he looked over at Aleks. He smiled widely as he still fought the remains of sleep, his eyes studying every inch of the photo.  
"She was very pretty." Aleks commented, meeting James' gaze before the two returned to the photo before them. James giggled lightly as he nodded his head.  
"Yeah...she was."  
•••  
Jordan turned the corner as he heard James' bedroom door shut, advising that he had went inside. He tiredly smiled to himself, pleased that James had learned from his mistakes and rose from his insecurities and fears. It was like some pressure was taken off of the bottle inside of him, the shaking and hurting from within had ended. For now, at least. He sighed to himself, happy with how things had gone.  
But, his expression had changed from content to worried as he noticed a tiny figure down the hall.   
"Kevin?" Jordan asked, stepping closer to the bedroom door Kevin sat in front of. Jordan crouched to the floor, his aching back screaming for the bed. "Kevin, what's the matter? Why are you crying?" He asked, pushing the hair out of Kevin's face with the tips of his fingers lightly. Kevin looked up, his tears still visible in the dim hallway light. He sat with his legs against his chest, his hands holding something, yet they covered it at the same time.  
"...D-Dex broke my nightlight..." Kevin's words were almost to the point of unhearable. Jordan sighed with compassion as Kevin lifted his hands, the item being held was the broken nightlight. Jordan held out his hands as Kevin slowly placed it in his much larger ones, the object being far from repairable. The switch had been pressed in too far, the top and bottom halves disconnected, only holding on by a few wires, many were snapped. And a prong on the back had been bent, to move it back now wouldn't solve the matters.   
"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry." Jordan murmured, holding while hiding the broken item in his hand. He lifted a hand, catching a few of Kevin's tears with his fingers before kissing the top of his head.   
"I can't sleep without one...I'm afraid of the dark...I'm so scared, daddy, I'm so scared..." Kevin muttered, hugging his knees a bit closer.  
"Aw, hey, don't be scared, Kev. You're alright." Jordan reassured, feeling more sympathy pour into his mind. He looked to the right of him to his bedroom door, it still slightly ajar from when hearing Aleks. "Hey, it's alright. Here, tomorrow I'll go out and I'll get you new one. But, until then, you can sleep in my room tonight. I'll keep the bathroom light on, it'll be just like your nightlight." Jordan informed the ten year old, smiling to make the other's tears terminate. "Is that good?"  
Kevin nodded his head, agreeing almost immediately. Jordan chuckled warmly as he lifted Kevin from the ground, holding him gently as he walked inside of the room, closing the door the quietest he could. He turned on the lights, the ceiling fan as well as he made his way to his bed, Kevin removing himself from his father's arms as he landed in the center of the bed. He placed the blanket on top of himself with some help from his father before Jordan turned on the bathroom light, turning off the bedroom light thereafter, and placing the broken nightlight on a nearby desk.  
"Thank you for letting me sleep in here." Kevin mumbled to his father as he slid under the covers, Kevin scooting over a bit. Jordan sweetly chortled at his son's words, appreciative of his kindness.  
"Of course, Kevin." Jordan replied as he sighed pleasantly, his back already feeling better by the softness of the mattress. "Goodnight, sweetie." He added, sighing contently as he slowly drifted off to sleep. But, before, he felt a pressure add onto his chest as he opened his eyes to see that it was Kevin's head.  
He nuzzled against his father's chest, smiling as he heard his father's constant heartbeat drumming in his ear. "Night, dad." He mumbled back while falling asleep, Jordan being his pillow for the night.  
*****  
Dan yawned quietly as he entered the house, the time on his phone read ten minutes past eleven. The house was quiet, the others asleep as expected. This was how it was every night, coming home to a somewhat empty house. He wished he didn't work so late, arriving in the late night was kind of lonely.  
He missed his sons greeting him when he walked through that door around eight, Kevin running up for a hug. He missed catching up with all them, talking about their days at the dinner table. He just missed sitting at that dinner table. That lunch table. That breakfast table. He missed talking with the boys and getting to know more about his new ones. Seamus. Aleks. Dexter. But, of all, he truly missed Jordan.  
Jordan. His heart skipped at the name just like it had with Liz's at one point in time. He was absolutely in love with the other man, from his eyes to his smile. From his personality to his humor. From his generosity, to his humbleness, to his warm heart. Dan had never thought he'd find someone like that again. To make his heart work again. Yet, without seeing Jordan made the gears start to slow down.  
His work required full concentration and attention, Dan giving it all he had. Graphics, sound editing, animation. Dan was too focused on his job, he realized, he had other priorities to attend to as well. A family, being a father, being a boyfriend. Dan had almost neglected them all, and he was starting to miss it. Watching his sons grow. Taking care of them.  
Even just seeing the man of his dreams again.  
He made his way up the stairs, his appetite full due to a late lunch at the office. He rubbed at a tired eye as he made his way down the hallway, opening the door all the way at the end which led to his bedroom. The turned on the lights, keeping them dim to not disturb Jordan or his sleeping company. Dan smiled lightly, Kevin had his head rested on Jordan's chest, his arms hugging his father around the middle. Both were out cold, owning tired bags under their eyes.  
His eyes glazed over Jordan's face, it being forever since he had spent any real time with the man. Since he had been the one to lay on his chest as they slept, since he had taken care of the boys alongside the other. Since he had helped prepare any meals, since he had helped him clean up somewhat, since he had even been around for more than the length of a night's sleep.   
He couldn't even remember the last time he kissed Jordan.  
He made his way to Jordan's side of the bed, keeping quiet to not awaken either of the two. He ruffled his son's hair gently, pushing it out of his eyes as it was in need of a trim. He then looked down to Jordan, his eyelids covering up that beautiful blue of his eyes. Dan bent down and placed a light kiss on Jordan's lips, a wordless way of saying goodnight, I miss you, and I love you.  
Yet, compared to all their others, this kiss didn't feel the same.


	11. Chapter 11

"How is everything over there?" Dan asked, leaning himself back in his desk chair. He grinned to himself when hearing Jordan's voice on the other line. He loved the sound of it along with everything of Jordan, he could just listen to it all day long. Yet, unfortunately he couldn't. As much as he wanted to waste the day away with his love, life always had to point Dan on a more serious route.  
He had a job to attend to, money to make. The game he had been working on for almost a month was as it highest standpoint, but it was going to make it even higher. Another three months would go into making the game, three months of waking up at eight, leaving at nine thirty, spending day and night hours on the game and with his friends until eleven rolled around, his cue to go home.  
As much as he loved his job and this new project he had been assigned, spending so much time away from the family was hard. He wasn't able to get to know Seamus better. He couldn't protect Aleks from his nightmares. He couldn't have Spencer help him when preparing dinner. He wasn't around to play videogames with Joe. He wasn't there to help Kevin get over his fears. He couldn't be there to lay James down for the night. He wasn't around to make Dex smile.  
Or be there for Jordan at any time.  
Which is why he called. It was his only chance to catch up with his family concerning the miles that separated them.  
"Everything, right now, is actually going pretty well." Jordan answered, drawing back the curtains with his free hand in his bedroom to bask the room in a light glow. He was reminded of last night, how James had finally taken hold of Aleks' hand instead of slapping it away. "James was looking through photo albums with Aleks earlier this morning, it was pretty cute."   
Dan giggled. "I'm glad, James always loved doing that with Liz. He'd look at the same album two, three times without getting bored." The two shared a humble laugh at that as Jordan took a seat on the bed. "Well, I'm glad the boys are alright. They seem to be taking this change fairly well." That's what you don't know..., Jordan's mind spoke. "Anyway, what about you? How are you doing?"   
Jordan chuckled as he lay back on the bed, loving Dan's voice in his ear. If only he could put a face to that voice. "I-I've been okay. You know, seven boys isn't necessarily a piece of cake, but..." He heard Dan laugh from the other end, the sound making him do the same. "But, I'm doing fine, considering it gets hard at moments." After speaking that, Jordan's eyes wandered to a desk not so far away from him, an object on top making realization flood his mind.   
"Which, reminds me, uh, do you think you could pick up a nightlight once you get off from work? Kevin's...broke last night." Jordan informed the other, he could see the damage done from where he was seated. He didn't mention, however, how it had broken. Who had broken it or why. He had just told Dan that everything was fine, excellent even. He didn't want to go retracting that statement so soon.  
"Oh, is that why he was in the room last night?" Dan rhetorically asked, his thoughts speaking aloud. "Aw, poor kid. Yeah, I'll-I'll be sure to pick one up after work." Dan made a mental note, accepting Jordan's request. Dan sighed, both sides of the line going silent, neither of the men speaking. They didn't necessarily need to, though, they knew each other were there. Knowing that made the two smile.  
The love between Jordan and Dan was not of the ordinary. Not saying all love isn't, but theirs carried a little bit more. It couldn't be described by words, those three just hitting the tip of the iceberg. In their hearts there was just a smidge more of something so...passionate, yet calm. Something in their eyes that made them stare a bit longer, yet shyly blink away. Something in their words that meant the world, yet simply reassured the other. Something in their touches, their kisses, their smiles all read their worth to one another, yet a bit of hidden mystery.  
And the silence on the line meant 'I'm always here', yet asked 'Do you need me?'.  
"I miss you." Jordan mumbled, the words coming from the pit of his heart. It had seemed like forever since he had even shared a glance with Dan for longer than three seconds. Since they had shared a hug with more meaning and for longer. Since phone calls weren't the only means of communication anymore.  
"I miss you even more." The two chuckled at Dan's comment, how cliché it had sounded to the ear. "Well, that was cheesy." Dan added, hearing the laughter amongst the two die down. "But, really. I really miss you, too. And the kids. Here, I promise to help you with them, I know that one kid is a handful, two a little more, and seven, I'll write your eulogy." Jordan appreciated Dan's humor, throughout a time as stressful as such, he was glad he still had a supply of happiness in his life.  
"But I promise to be there with you and for you. I mean that with all my heart." Jordan teared up at the words, but not due to relief, thanks, or assurance. Dan...always said those words. That he was going to be there. That he would help. That he would take care of the family on more of a personal factor. But, words were only words. Meant to spoken, never to be abided by.   
Dan never kept those promises. He swore he would, but Jordan was still struggling at home with bits of his breaking bottle slicing his heart. The emotions got heavier, weighing Jordan down further. The pain to keep them inside worsened, it felt like a never ending lump in his throat. The drama throughout the house continued between Kevin, Dexter, Seamus, Spencer, and Joe. The five of them.   
The five of them added onto the hurt swelling inside unknowingly.  
"I love you." Dan mumbled after the other line had gone quiet again, his words coming more from the heart than anything.  
"I love you, too." Jordan replied, trying to sound as if he weren't on the verge of tears. He wiped them away with his other hand, breathing in deeply and quietly to avoid sniffling and catching Dan's concern. "Well, I got to go. The boys are probably hungry, it's almost lunch time." Jordan informed, looking at the alarm clock as it read forty nine minutes past eleven.  
"Yeah, I got to be going, too. Nick wanted us to go to this new fast food place that opened up down the corner for lunch." Dan notified, laughing lightly. "I'll see you when I get home?" He asked, that would be in twelve hours from now. Twelve hours, he knew, would tire Jordan out and cause him to fall asleep hours before Dan even pulled down the drive way.   
Dan knew their schedule well. Unfortunately, too well.  
"Yeah, I'll-I'll see you then." Jordan replied, nodding his head, although Dan couldn't see the action. "Bye." He departed, hanging up the phone and placing it back into his pocket while standing up from the bed. It seemed like the conversations between Dan and himself were getting shorter and shorter, the same answers being put to the same questions. But, he didn't mind it so much. It was great to hear Dan again, and it was all he could ever ask for back with Monica.  
When at work, Monica didn't call. She'd be gone for weeks at a time without checking back in with the house. Her excuses were the same, her phone had died. There was no service. She had no time. It was another thing Jordan was tired of, her lack of commitment to the family. All work, no play, seemed to be the lines she followed. And, as considerate Dan was for calling when he could, he seemed to be going after that phrase as well.  
He didn't have a day off, not like he would have requested one. His breakfast was something small, a bowl of cereal prepared by himself instead of the boys surprising him with waffles and eggs. His bonds were made with his co-workers and friends, not learning more about his new family and helping it to become one. His lunch and dinner were simply take outs from various restaurants instead of a home meal with his family. By his family.  
The only thing he still did was sleep in the same bed. But, even when he did that, it still felt as if he wasn't there.  
Because he never was. Just barely.  
Jordan opened his bedroom door and made his way down the hallway, the vague scent of paint become stronger with each step. The smell became the strongest when stepping in front of James and Aleks' room, Jordan turned his head and smiled at the sight. Aleks had told James that the color of his room reminded him a lot of his old room when he was known as Aleks Marchant. James took this into consideration, asking Jordan if it was alright to paint the room over in a color Aleks would like.  
Jordan couldn't pass it up.  
"Hey, guys, how's it going in here?" Jordan wondered, walking into the room as James, Aleks, and Kevin continued painting one of the four walls. Jordan walked around the two beds that had been pushed to the center of the room, making better access to the areas behind them. Aleks turned around and smiled at his father, placing down his paint brush and running to hug him.  
"This is really fun!" Aleks commented, hearing the joy in his voice made Jordan's heart calm down. Aleks smiled for the first time in months, it being an uplifting sight. As the two pulled away, Jordan looked up to James, his smile too large to hide as well along with a dab of orange paint on his cheek.  
"Yeah, it's fun when you paint my face, not the wall." James joked, Aleks laughing along with his brothers as he picked his paintbrush back up, dipping it into the paint can of a light tangerine.   
"I ended up painting my hands." Kevin added, holding up his tan hands covered in drips and splotches of paint. Jordan giggled at that, it warmed his heart to see the boys getting along so well. Despite getting off on the wrong foot, their relationships had mended well.  
James was considerate to Kevin and Aleks, joking with them and treating them both nicely. Kevin, although he was younger, had a very strong bond with the two twelve year olds. They enjoyed his accompaniment, and sweetness towards others. And Aleks wasn't having any trouble bonding with either of them. He was usually shy with others he didn't know, feeling like an outcast or a stranger. He seemed to fit in quite well, smiling, laughing, and chatting with the other two.  
Jordan felt his smile become real.  
"Well, are any of you guys hungry?" Jordan questioned, the three boys nodding their heads and raising their hands. Jordan chortled. "Well, alright, I'll go make you guys something. How does mac and cheese and hotdogs sound?" He asked, seeing the eyes light up of the three of them, Kevin especially. "Well, I'm taking that as a yes." Jordan chuckled, making his way back towards the door. "If you guys need help with reaching the high spots, just tell me, okay?"  
"Okay, dad."  
"We will, dad."  
"Alright, daddy!"  
Jordan's smile grew wider as he made his way out the door, the three of them lifting a weight off of his shoulders. Yet, he heard three voices coming from a nearby room that made the weight not only return, but double.   
"You're an absolute fucking asshole! What the hell's your problem?!?"  
Jordan gasped at such language as he neared the door from which it was coming from: Joe and Spencer's.  
"I thought we agreed you're the one with the problems! I guess that lip didn't teach you anything!"  
That was Seamus' voice.   
"You're just a self centered asswipe begging for attention! It's not my fault your life's shit and you're trying to make others miserable, too!"  
"Guys, just please stop! Knock it off! This isn't solving anything!"  
"And you're not either, you faggot!"  
"What is going on in here?!?" Jordan shouted, pushing the door open frantically as the three boys had stopped talking, sending their attention to their father. Seamus and Joe stood on the right side of the room in front of each other, Joe wearing a threatening scowl, and Seamus' hands balled into knuckle whitening fists. Spencer stayed closer to the bunk beds in the center of the room, watching the fight from afar.   
Tears welled in the fourteen year olds eyes.   
"You want to know what's going on?!?" Joe's anger had gotten to the best of him, his conscience being covered up by yells, threats, and curses. Everything he had tried to lay off of Jordan had become too hard to hold back, the barrier breaking as did Joe's back from restraining it. "Your dipshit of a son keeps putting Spencer down, and I have to stand up for him!" Joe yelled while explained, arching his head back to lock eyes with Spencer. "Every god damned time!"  
"Joe, please, watch your mou-" Jordan tried before getting cut off.  
"It's all this son of a bitch's fault!" Joe rambled on, his ears ignoring Jordan's mindful words. Joe pointed to Seamus whose eyes could kill just by a simple glance. "He's only taunting Spencer because he's fucked up himself!" Joe yelled, the sound causing Spencer to flinch away.  
"Joseph!" Jordan raised his voice, shocked by the absurd behavior and language from the teen.  
"He's the fucking reason my lip's cut!" Joe fought back, turning back to Jordan so he could see the mark. Jordan's eyes fixated on a dried scab of blood on Joe's lip, another mark he had lied about. He said that he must have bitten it in his sleep, an excuse nowhere near to the truth of Seamus hitting him. "He punched me last night and caused this! And that bruise last week! And that scrape on my arm the other day! I'm surprised he doesn't have cuts on his own arms!"  
Though he didn't let it show, Seamus felt his heart snap at that. Everyone believed that there was something wrong with him, he had an issue or mental illness. That he probably smokes or shoots up. That he cuts. That he's going down the wrong path in life. From school to home, every person believed there was something not right with him. And as much as he didn't want to admit, it hurt.  
A lot.  
To have other people judge him based on little to no evidence really burned his heart. Just because he preferred to be alone, or that he was having tension in his life. He was a reject to most simply based on his quietness or his insecurities. Sometimes he considered it, to shoot up or to cut. But, he never did. He didn't want his life to go down the wrong path just because of a few words. From hundreds of people.  
So, he stayed away from those words. From those people. Because he knew one day they would send him overboard, making him live a life he deeply regretted. In order to keep them away, he pushed them. Insulted. Threatened. Hurt. From schoolmates, to brothers, even his own father. They had hurt him with their words and actions, Jordan's especially for filing for a divorce. It changed and shaped him, and he always looked away from himself in the mirror.  
He hated who he had become, but he had no one to help him to change it now. He scared them all away, everyone keeping their distance just like he had wanted it. It all twisted his stomach into knots, his emotions being thrown into the mess. It hurt to keep it all hidden, but no one would take the time to listen. To them, he was just another kid with another problem. A kid who couldn't feel regret, who couldn't feel hurt, who couldn't feel anything at all.  
If so, then why did he regret everything he had done? Why did his stomach hurt night and day? Why did he cry himself to sleep almost every night?   
Because...it hurt. Everything of Seamus hurt.  
"Joseph Calvin Gidlow!" Jordan screamed, Joe's babbles coming to an end. All sound in the room had ended, Spencer staring at the two boys in fear, Joe looking down at the floor, and Seamus' eyes locked on Joe as they didn't dare expel tears. Jordan looked down at the three boys, shaking his head in complete disappointment. He expected better from them, but nothing seemed to go his way anymore.  
"And you would just love it if I did have cuts." Seamus mumbled, his voice feigning stability. He looked down as he walked past his father, an ounce of sympathy peppering into Jordan's heart. He turned back to see Seamus enter his room, his door closing fairly quietly instead of an expected slam. Jordan sighed, turning his head back to the twin's room, Joe leaving thereafter, marching down the steps, and disappearing down into the basement with a thud from the closing door.  
Jordan stepped inside of the room, making his way to Spencer and kneeling down in front of him. Spencer had taken a seat on his bed, rubbing at his watery, terrified eyes. He had heard the argument between Seamus and Joe begin boil over from the bathroom, and his scared attempt to end it didn't necessarily help. He was never one for conflict, making sure to stay far from it. It always scared him, no matter who was involved or what it was about.   
The yelling is what did it. What caused him to shrink away. What caused him to become quiet. What caused him to break down into a fit of tears.  
"Oh, hey, Spence. It's alright, don't be scared." Jordan mumbled to his son, wiping a few of his falling tears away. "You don't have to be afraid, they're not going to hurt you. I want you to know that." He told his son, their eyes meeting the blue in each others. "Let's get your mind off of them, I was about to make some lunch for James, Kevin, and Aleks. Want to help?" He questioned, smiling bright to dry his son's tears.  
Spencer grinned back, though sad, it was still a smile. He nodded his head, wiping at his eye again. "Sure, I'd-I'd love to help." Spencer agreed, clearing his throat quietly. Jordan stood up and made his way to the door, Spencer following behind as the two made their way to the kitchen to find Dex standing on a chair, searching through a cabinet for a snack.  
"Hey, why aren't you helping Kevin, Aleks, and James with painting?" Spencer questioned, Dex turning around to see Spencer looking up at him. His eyes fell to Jordan's as he looked away, feeling guilty towards what he had said to him the other day.  
"The smell of paint makes my head hurt." Dex answered, closing the cupboard and climbing down from his chair. It was a clever lie, the smell of paint didn't bother him in the slightest. The only reason he didn't want to pick up a brush was because Kevin was in there, and since last night, Dex had been avoiding him at all costs. Kevin seemed to return the favor.  
Last night, he had been the one to break Kevin's nightlight. Kevin wasn't getting over his fear, so Dex tried to force him to the hard way. And cruel way. He had taken Kevin's nightlight out of the wall and stepped on it repeatedly, Kevin watching in shock all the while. He took the highlight in his hands moments before racing out of the room, in anticipated tears. Dex didn't know where Kevin slept last night, but when seeing him this morning, Dex felt a little guilty.  
He sat across from him at the breakfast table, French toast and bacon placed in front of the two. Kevin appeared a little tired, a little sad, a little scared as he barely touched at his food. He didn't once look up from his plate, no matter how many times he felt Dex's eyes burning holes into his head. He didn't speak either, simply answering with a shake of his head, a nod, or a shrug. The only time he heard him speak was when passing James' room, the three of them engaging in much conversation.  
And that's when Dex had realized...he made Kevin afraid of him.   
Afraid to speak. Afraid to look. Afraid to even be in the same room as Dex.   
And Dex was afraid of being Dex.  
"Aw, that's a shame. It looked pretty fun." Spencer commented, opening the freezer and taking out a package of hotdogs. "Well, instead, do you want to help cook up some lunch with dad and I?" Spencer suggested, pulling out two medium sized pots.   
Dex contemplated, reluctantly looking up at his father again. "What is for lunch?" He asked, Jordan taking down a box of macaroni and cheese and placing it on the counter, meeting Dex with defeated eyes. He had remembered what his son had said to him yesterday, how much it had put him down. It hurt to hear those words from his youngest because behind them, was meaning.  
"We're having hotdogs with mac and cheese. I remember you saying before that it was your favorite." Jordan brought up, smiling vaguely at the memory. Before when his son used to love him. But, what he didn't know was that he still did. Dex just didn't know how to come back from what he had said.  
Dex nodded his head. "Sure, I'll help." He agreed, moving the chair he had set up earlier close to the stove and stood on it, next to his older brother on his knees.   
Jordan smiled as he sighed, retrieving other items needed to make their lunch. It had only been the afternoon and things were already getting out of hand. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up his charade of forced smiles, fake laughter, and forged happiness that hurt. Sooner or later he was bound to break, and soon the kids and even Dan would see how he truly was on the inside.  
Alone.   
Sad.   
Hurting.  
********  
"Is daddy home yet?" Kevin quietly asked, sleep being the one thing he fought, yet wanted to do. He looked up at his father through tired eyes, his head still resting on his shoulder like a pillow. Jordan looked down at his youngest son, cooing with empathy at the bags forming beneath his eyes, and the yawns leaving his mouth.  
He raised Kevin a little higher as he continued to carry him around the living room, rocking him as he would Aleks. "Not yet, sweetie. Soon, though. Really soon." He whispered, taking a glance up at the clock. 11:02. He sighed lightly, placing a kiss on Kevin's cheek as he kept his eyes on the front door.  
Jordan was waiting up for Dan to bring home Kevin's nightlight, Kevin decided to join his dad as he didn't want to sleep alone in his bed or his parents bed. It was hours past the young boy's bedtime, the exhaustion taking affect, causing the ten year old to fade in and out of consciousness. They had been waiting for a little over twenty minutes, Dan promising to be home as soon as possible.  
Yet, promise was only a seven letter word.  
Jordan looked out the front window, there was no other car in the drive except for his own. He let go of a shallow breath as he took a seat on the couch, his legs worn out, his back aching, and eyes weary. Kevin was drifting off again, his hands lazily wrapped around his fathers neck, his legs unwinding from his waist. With nothing, but the sound of crickets chirping outside, the quiet returned in Jordan's life along with the loneliness.  
The past played before his eyes again, he had no other choice, but to watch it as seconds upon seconds ticked on. A memory of Jordan and Monica sat on the floor, he remembered it to be bright and sunny that day as the sunlight poured in through the open windows. In between the man and the woman sat a baby, one year old Seamus to be exact.   
He was their first son, their first child. He was beautiful, owning Jordan's light eyes and Monica's lovely lips. His blonde hair he had gotten passed down from some relative somewhere down the line, and his smile owning the smallest of teeth. Seamus drooled a lot as a child, Jordan remembered. He also tried eating dirt on many occasions, an extra eye always had to be placed upon him.  
Monica looked up from her son and to Jordan, Jordan catching her gaze as the two smiled. They had a family now, something they couldn't be happier about. They leaned in for a small kiss, nothing too passionate, but enough to say I love you. As they pulled away, the retention shifted to another point in time.  
Monica held Dex who wasn't even a week old at the time. He had been a chubby baby, weighing at eight pounds, nine ounces. He was asleep in Monica's arms as Jordan opened the front door, smiling at his wife as a five year old Seamus followed after his father. He had been staying with Monica's sister, Loretta, while Jordan and Monica resided at the hospital.  
"Seamus, I want you to meet your new brother, Dexter." Monica whispered, careful not to wake the child who was sucking away on a green pacifier. Seamus looked up to his father who nodded, gesturing that it was alright before Seamus took a few steps closer, leaning forward to catch a better sight of his brother.   
He smiled lightly, looking down at the baby in his mother's arms. "Hi, Dexter." Seamus whispered, Jordan taking a seat next to Monica and beaming down at the two of them. He felt Monica kiss his cheek before resting her head upon his shoulder. Things seemed so perfect...  
Time went by quickly, before Jordan knew it, Seamus was entering high school and Dex had just turned ten. And the family was going to be gaining a new member.  
Jordan had been the one to do it alone, introduce Aleks to the others. Monica was off in New York, she had been there when adopting Aleks, but was barely there to raise him. Jordan opened the front door of the house, whispering to Aleks that it was okay. He understood Aleks was nervous, and didn't want to make him any more. Aleks held onto his father's hand as he walked next to, yet behind Jordan.  
"Seamus? Dexter?" Jordan called out, Dex walking out of the kitchen with a glass of milk, Seamus arriving moments later from upstairs, his phone in hand. They both met Jordan's eyes before their gazes fell to the twelve year old, Aleks hiding behind Jordan a little more. "Guys, I want you two to meet Aleks." He introduced him as he looked down to the child holding his hand. "It's okay." He mumbled to him as Aleks stepped away from Jordan, slowly letting go of his hand in the process as he stepped forward.  
"Hey, there." Dex greeted him, wiping away his milk mustache as he smiled lightly.  
"Hi, Aleks." Seamus addressed, waving to him slightly with his free hand.  
"Hello." Aleks replied back, holding his back pack filled with his belongings close as he smiled shyly.  
Jordan thought that this would be the beginning of something great. But, instead, it only began the downfall of the Mathewson's, leading from arguments, to divorce, to moving, to money problems, to losing the job Jordan depended on so much, to the four of the boys being split further apart.  
It hurt Jordan to see it happen all over again.  
Yet, the next retention caused more pain than ever to swarm Jordan's life and mind.  
"Boys, this is Jordan and his sons Seamus, Dexter, and Aleks." Dan introduced the boys to his own, all standing in the living room once they had arrived home. "And this is Spencer, James, Joe, and Kevin." He introduced his sons.  
Before, beginnings and introductions only ended in agonizing, stressful departures and break downs.  
Jordan wiped away tears as he feared this might crash and burn the same way.  
He sniffled as he looked down to Kevin, the ten year old fast asleep in his arms. He smiled vaguely as he blinked, keeping his tears from showing any further before glancing again at the clock. 11:15. He yawned quietly as he heard the sound of the door being unlocked, advising that Dan had arrived home. Jordan slowly stood up from the couch, Kevin nuzzling against Jordan's shoulder in his sleep.  
Dan opened the door, noticing the living room light still on from afar. Jordan met him, a sleeping Kevin in his arms as Dan melted at the sight. "Hey." He quietly greeted his boyfriend, closing the door and locking it behind him.  
"Hi." Jordan responded, still lightly bouncing Kevin in his arms although he was already out cold. "Did you get his nightlight?" Jordan questioned, smiling tiredly as Dan turned back around. Yet, instead of being met with a smile himself or the object Jordan requested Dan to buy, he was met with a worried expression followed by sorry eyes.  
"Shit...I am the worst father..." Dan put himself down, slapping his forehead as he sighed with guilt. Jordan let out a quick breath, realizing that the answer to his question was no. "God, I'm horrible, I'm so sorry. I...I can go back out and get one real quic-" Dan began to explain, turning around to unlock the door before he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.  
"Daniel, it's fine." He told him, turning Dan around, faulty eyes staring into forgiving ones. "It's okay, you're human, you forget things. It's fine." Jordan notified him, Dan looking down as he didn't believe in Jordan's words. Jordan placed a hand under the others chin, lifting his head for their eyes to meet.  
"Dan, it's okay. I'll pick one up tomorrow, I have to get food for the week anyway. It's fine, he'll just sleep in our room again tonight." Jordan gestured to Kevin who let out soft snores, summer time allergies getting to the poor kid. Dan smiled at that, looking back up into Jordan's orbs of ocean blue. They stared into each others for what seemed like an eternity, just gazing at every hue, dialation, and texture of one another's eyes.  
"I love you." Dan whispered, smiling at Jordan's handsome features, kind vibes, and generous personality.  
"I love you, too." Jordan replied, studying Dan's lovely eyes, beautiful structure, and adorable timidity over and over. He bent down slightly, the difference of height between the two only being a few inches, and placed a well needed kiss on the other's warm lips. Jordan gave a kiss meaning the words he had just spoken as he received a kiss meaning 'I'm glad I have you'.   
He pulled away and smiled, Dan grinning like a fool when looking back into Jordan's eyes. "How about we get to bed? I'm sure you'll need some after the day you've been through." Dan suggested, kissing Jordan on the cheek before the two made their way up the stairs, the ten year olds head bobbing with each step.  
It all seemed terrific, the love between the men was still true. But, Jordan felt a little anxiety pang inside of his heart. First, Dan spent less and less time with his family. Now, he completely forgot about his responsibility as a father.   
And Jordan knew with strike three, it would knock things out of the park and out of proportion.


	12. Chapter 12

"Kevin?"  
Kevin looked up from his Legos to see Dex entering the room slowly, his hands behind his back as he held something. Kevin slid away slightly, worried eyes studying Dexter up and down. Dex only made Kevin afraid, as if his list of fears couldn't get any longer. The way he treated him placed Kevin in a state of constant anxiety, even when Dex wasn't in the room.   
All of the things Dex had called him and done to him had piled up over time. From the many terms and insults, to the physical hurt, no matter how small it was. From a shove out of the way, to a slap on the arm. It wasn't as painful as the marks Seamus placed upon Joe, but it still pained Kevin a great deal.  
But, nighttime was the hardest moment.  
Dex was obnoxious, finding joy in teasing the other ten year old. He would keep Kevin up with his talking, speaking of whatever and nonsense just to deprive the other of a good night's rest. Sometimes he would leave the bedroom light on, mocking Kevin with his fear of the dark. He'd sometimes mess with Kevin when he was sleeping, Kevin waking up and feeling angered first thing in the morning.  
Dex would sometimes draw on his face, mustaches, and childish insults like 'loser' or 'nerd' on his forehead. Sometimes he'd write a curse or two picked up from his fifteen year old brother. He'd hide Kevin's stuffed animals, especially his favorite: a small, green octopus Kevin named Toby. Other times, he'd hide his inhaler or nightlight, Kevin finding both in places they didn't belong. Underneath the bathroom sink. Behind the living room tv. Under his parents' bed.  
But, the scavenger hunts ended when Dex broke the nightlight for good.  
Kevin was scared of Dex, always in fear of what he would do next. Even just being in the same room as him made his stomach queasy. He didn't want to be taunted again, he didn't want to feel terrible again, he didn't want to cry again. He didn't want Jordan to become stressed out any more. But, what he didn't want was all he received.  
Dex took another step into the room, seeing the worry on the other's face. He knew what he had done in the past to Kevin, the month or so living together made Kevin live with more pain than anything. And after that conversation with Jordan, Dex was ultimately drenched in guilt. He wanted to repair things with his father, but he knew things would be more difficult with him than Kevin.  
Dex sighed as he stood a few feet in front of Kevin, hands still hidden behind his back as Kevin looked up at him with fret and confusion. Dex looked at him with soft eyes, feeling awful for making Kevin become this way. He used to be friendly, talkative, excitable. But, now, the three words that labeled him were quiet, scared, and lonesome.  
Dex removed his hands from his back, sticking one out towards Kevin with something in it. Kevin was hesitant before he took the item from Dex's hand, whatever it was, it was brand new, still in the packaging. Kevin let his eyes fall to it, reading the name and seeing the object through the clear case. He smiled vaguely.  
Dex had bought him a new nightlight.  
Jordan was getting ready to head to the store, taking his car keys off of the kitchen counter before his eye was caught by something on the table. He made his way over to it, reading the piece of paper that was placed on it, labeled for Jordan to read.  
Dear Dad,  
I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it. I'm really sorry and I love you a lot. And I love Kevin, too, and I'm sorry for breaking his nightlight. It was a mistake. Do you think you could buy him another one? I'm really sorry.  
Dexter :(  
He lifted the paper to see that Dex had left some money, twenty dollars from his allowance. Jordan sighed happily, smiling as he picked up the twenty dollars, knowing that Dex wanted the nightlight to be directly from him as an apology. It relieved him a bit, learning that the problems were fixing themselves, Dex coming to his senses and returning to the caring kid he was.  
Is.  
"I'm sorry." Dex whispered to Kevin, hanging his head as he apologized for the rough times they had before. Kevin didn't respond, not saying anything as he was in shock due to Dex's sudden, selfless act. Unfortunately, Dex took the silence as an apology not accepted, Kevin never being able to forgive Dex for the hurtful acts he had committed.   
It made Dex's guilt double and worsen.  
Dex let go of a quiet breath, keeping his head and eyes down as he turned around. He made his way to the door, about to leave before he heard a voice. "Dex?" Kevin quietly called his name, the somewhat silent sound causing Dex to look back behind him. He saw Kevin smile a true, real smile. It was a sight he hadn't seen since the first day of arriving, a sight that slowly receded over all that time.  
Dex was glad to see it appear again.  
"Uh...do you want to, uh, want to play with me?" Kevin wondered, gesturing to the two buckets of Legos in front of him. The action from Dex was one from the heart, it coming from his and touching Kevin's. Spencer had told him many a time to forgive and forget, to push aside any feelings other than acceptance.  
At first, he had been scared to show any compassion towards Dex as all he gave was agony. He wasn't able to be sweet towards somebody who didn't care of it or treated him like dirt. He refused to befriend someone who caused him many tears, countless arguments, and multiple heartaches in a day. Yet, Dex appeared to have learned his lesson, to see more to Kevin than just dark hair, tan skin, brown eyes, and an inhaler always at hand.  
He saw him now with layers of feelings, feelings that had been hurt severely by him. He saw him with as someone special, someone unique, someone unlike the rest. He saw him as a friend now, as part of his family, as a brother. A brother who he wanted to take care of and try his best to tend to him. And as Kevin saw this, he wasn't afraid to take Spencer's advice anymore.  
Perhaps things were getting better.  
"Sure, that sounds fun." Dex answered as he grinned himself, turned around and sat on the floor, sharing another smile with Kevin.  
*********  
Spencer let out another sob as he wiped away more tears, only attempting to, that is. More were to come to replace those that had fallen, smeared, or owned a light glaze over the backs of his hands and tips of his fingers. His chest was on fire, his heaves and gasps being the smoke as they choked him, air being gone.  
He sat on his parents' bed, the place he always went whenever feeling so upset as such ever since he was about seven. He hadn't cried like this in such a long time, the comfort the bed supplied not being as needed. Yet, he knew, if there were ever a time he was in doubt or depression, that bed would always be waiting for him.  
And right now, he needed it now more than ever.  
Before, the reasons behind his cries were things so small, perhaps a great deal at the time, yet now they seemed so insignificant to him. The time when he had gotten a scrape on his knee. Whenever he had a nightmare about aliens, or tornados, or finding himself lost. When his stomach ached, when he missed either of his parents when he or she was at work, when James, Kevin, or Joe and himself ended up in an argument which was very rare.  
And especially when his mom had died.  
Now, he sat in that bed for a reason more or less the same as the others, except it hurt more than the others. Before it might have been his stomach, or his head, his arm or leg, possibly his feelings. Even adding those together wouldn't compare to how he felt now, how hard he was crying right now. Because this pain was coming from the heart. His heart. It had been stabbed, singed, cut open, left to bleed out, infected, and above all...in pain.  
"I'm sorry...I-I...I'm so sorry..." He muttered under his breath, coughing a few times before missing a breath, causing him to hiccup abruptly. He was seated in between the two pillow at the head of the bed, sitting directly between Dan's side and Jordan's side. His legs were pulled to his chest, his arms hugging them as closely as possible. "I'm so sorry...I'm sorry, mom...I'm sorry..."  
He let sob after sob leave his mouth, each one sounding a little louder than the last. His head pounded and pounded, the fight from moments earlier still playing again and again in his damaged mind.  
"Joe? Where did you get that bruise on your chin?" Spencer asked as his twin had just entered the room, taking a seat in his usual blue bean bag chair in the far corner of their room. He was preoccupied with distractions on his phone as he looked up to his brother on his bed who had been dumbing around with a Rubik's Cube.  
"Is it really that important?" Joe mumbled, slight detestation powering his mind. Moments earlier, himself and Seamus had gotten into another physical fight, Joe leaving Seamus with a bloodied nose, and Seamus hitting Joe so hard on his jaw that it left an immediate bruise. The frustration within him hadn't dissipated as expected, it lingering longer and started to somewhat become released onto his brother.   
Spencer placed the colored block down, looking at his brother from across the room in surprise. "Of course it's important, you're my brother, Joe." Spencer mentioned, his voice carrying slight insult. He sighed, ideas popping into his head as Joe simply shook his, looking back to the device in front of him. "Please don't tell me you got it from Seamus." The blond drew to conclusions, knowing that would most definitely be the answer.  
Joe shot his brother of the same age a glare, his lips scowling slightly. "Since when do you care so much? I didn't get this much fucking attention when there was a bruise under my eye." Joe muttered, yet the words still made their way to Spencer's ears.   
"A...Are you saying I don't care?" Spencer wondered, standing up from his bottom bunk bed. He felt tears coming on as that was the opposite of the truth, he did care for his brother. A lot. He had been there for him when he needed him, Spencer was only trying his best in returning the favor.  
Joe huffed, locking his phone as he met eyes fully with the other. "Yes Spencer. I am saying you don't care because you don't." He stood up from his seat at once. "You're too fucking weak to stand up for yourself! You make me deal with your problems instead, and I only do because I actually care for you!" His voice was raising higher and higher. "I've dealt with punches, scratches, slaps, and the like! And I haven't even gotten an 'Are you alright' from you!  
"I was there when you needed me, but when I need you, you fucking run and hide!" Joe brought up as he had zipped the zipper to Spencer's lips, making him afraid to even open it. "You know, we wouldn't be dealing with this shit if it wasn't for you! You just had to go to that pool party!"  
Spencer whimpered, not knowing where this fight was leading. But, a dim light was shone when Joe mentioned a pool party. Not any pool party, the pool party. The pool party from over a year ago. Spencer and Joe were invited to an end of school year pool party for their entire grade, it was one of the first days of summer break. Spencer and Joe weren't mildly popular in school, they mainly depended on each other.   
Joe had decided not to go, declining the invitation as he didn't want to be surrounded by people who he wasn't particularly involved with. He may have been friendly to some, but all in all, his brother was his best friend. Spencer, on the other hand, had decided to go, finding it as a polite gesture. He was a little upset to hear that Joe didn't want to, but decided to attend anyway, knowing he'd have a good time.  
And he did. It wasn't until afterwards when things went bad.  
Liz came to pick Spencer up, she smiled at the excitement of her thirteen year old as he told stories of the events that had happened. The food, the kids, the cannonballs and swimming races. Their conversation had continued in the car, the two on their way home from the party.   
"And Aron fell off of the diving board! Oh my God! He slipped from the water and cut his leg!" Spencer continued as the car stopped at a red light, allowing other cars to drive left and right across the intersection.  
"Ouch! Was he alright?" Liz questioned, taking a glance at her son before returning her eyes to the traffic light, waiting for it to lighten with green.  
"He was fine, it wouldn't stop bleeding for a while though. His mom just told him to walk it off." Spencer laughed with his words, Liz chuckling along with him.  
"Well you know what I would've done?" Liz rhetorically asked as the light changed, her car driving forward. "I would've kissed to make it all better," She joked, causing Spencer to laugh a little more, "and tell you how much I love you-"  
Just then, a truck smashed into the driver's side door, propelling the car side ways, leaving Spencer in a state of shock as he tried calling to his mom, tears streaming down his face. Her lifeless body fell forward in the seat, her hands dangling from where they once were on the steering wheel, the seatbelt keeping her in place.  
Liz wouldn't answer.  
His own mom had died right in front of him. And her last words were 'I love you'.  
"If you had never went to that party, then mom would still be alive and we wouldn't have to deal with this fucking drama from that fucked up family!" Joe screamed out, putting down Jordan and his sons in an instant. "But no! You just had to be a fucking good two shoes! And now mom is dead! Because of you! It's all your fault!"  
The words stopped after that. So did the screams. But the tears rolled on.  
Spencer couldn't control them, he was listening a bit too well to Joe's words. To the point where he believed them. He was the reason his mom had died, the guilt, self resentment, and reality weighing in on him hard. It was his fault, he's the one that technically took his mother's life. He had been the reason for it all...  
Soon enough, Spencer found himself racing to his parents' room, climbing onto the bed, and crying his pain away.  
It wasn't working.  
"I'm so sorry, mom...I'm sorry...I love you...I love you so much...I'm sorry..." Spencer mumbled over and over, his red eyes expelling a profusion of tears, sliding down his face and landing on his jean covered knees. He missed his mom, and having the truth become revealed to him made him wish he wasn't a forgiving, cheerful, optimistic kid.   
He should talk less. Not be so social. Get out of people's ways. Lives. He shouldn't be so open. He wished he didn't have a gentle heart. He wished he couldn't give in so easily. He should try to be stronger. More dependent on himself. Spend more time by himself. Keep his emotions to himself, hidden, possibly even ignored. Fade away from who he used to be until no one even remembered the old Spencer Gidlow.  
Maybe Seamus was a good role model after all...  
Jordan entered his bedroom, deciding on going to bed a few hours earlier than his usual eleven thirty when waiting for Dan. He opened the door to find the light already on along with an overwhelmed Spencer crying his poor heart out on his bed. His eyes turned from exhausted to soft when noticing the teen, carefully making his way over to him and sitting down on the edge of the bed closest to him.  
"Spencer? Spencer, sweetheart, what's the matter?" Jordan asked concernedly, placing a hand on Spencer's shoulder which rose and fell with each unsteady sob. Spencer tried his best to explain, but only stutters left his mouth along with desperate cries. He shook his head, feeling terrible about himself just a little more. "Spencer, it's okay. Spence, I need you to calm down, alright? Just...just take a breath and then try to tell me what happened."   
Jordan was left in a state of worry and curiosity. Worry due to this panicked behavior from his son, and curious to learn who had been the one to cause him to be this way. His first guess was on Seamus, he never really was friendly towards anyone in the family, let alone the twins. But, when given insults, Spencer never would break down into an uncontrollable fit of tears. Besides, Joe seemed to be Seamus' primary target.  
Joe would never do such a thing, he was his closest brother for the lord's sake. But, whenever he needed him, Spencer would always come to Joe. Where was Joe? James wouldn't ever do this. Ever since he was able to get his emotions out, he's returned to who he was: caring, funny, and considerate. Aleks was too polite, he never once caused any trouble. And to hurt Spencer of all kids? That would be unlike him.  
Dex was turning around, realizing the hearts he had broken and finding his ways to repair them. By the looks of it, Spencer's heart was what needed some repairs. And Kevin loved Spencer to the moon and back, appreciating him as a fantastic older sibling. He wouldn't want to hurt him ever, not like Kevin could. "Just breathe, Spencer. Focus on breathing." Jordan told his son, pushing away the tears in his own eyes.   
"It's a-all my fault...I'm the re-reason sh-she died..." Spencer whispered, the words feeling like parasites in his brain. "My-my mom died bec-because of me...it's m-my fault...I never sh-should've gone to th-that pool party...she di-died because of me..." Spencer explained, his words as airless as his burning lungs.  
Jordan stared at him in shock. Dan had told Jordan the story of how Liz had unfortunately met her end, she was coming back home with Spencer from a pool party of his. It was such a tragic event for the entire family, Spencer especially. Dan said he had gotten over it with help from his fraternal brother. But, now, it seemed like he was sinking again, this time further into depths be shouldn't be.   
Spencer blamed himself for the death of his mother. That's something that no child should ever have to believe.   
"Spencer..." Jordan's voice trailed off, devastated that Spencer was believing such a thing. "Spencer...w-where did you get that? Who-who told you that?" Jordan questioned, knowing Spencer wouldn't make this up on his own. He was past her death, why would he plunge himself back into that waters of despair?  
"J-Joe said it was m-my fault...an-and it is...God, I'm so sorry..." Spencer replied, hanging his head as the tears continued to fall. "I...I can't live wi-with myself...she didn't de-deserve to die...I do...I do, I-I do, I do..." Spencer felt himself giving up, he couldn't live with this weight on his chest. The pain was too much, he felt himself begin to plummet.  
Jordan sniffled, holding back his own feelings to take care of another's. He placed a hand under Spencer's chin, lifting his head up so their eyes could meet. "Spencer, you do not deserve to die." Jordan told him in all truth. "None of this is your fault, you shouldn't be taking the blame for anything. ...Her death was an accident. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't yours. It wasn't your fault, Spencer. It wasn't. It isn't."  
Spencer wiped at a few of his tears, adding onto the collection that had created a slight sparkle on his hands. "It's not your fault, Spencer." Jordan repeated, his voice clearer than it once was. "I want you to say it yourself. It's not your fault, it was all just an accident. Don't blame yourself because you are not to blame. Say it, Spence."  
Spencer inhaled sharply, swallowing a few of his sobs. Jordan was unknowingly using a method Joe had used for Spencer in the past, making him repeat the truth in order for him to officially believe it. It had worked before, Spencer saying the truth made him trust in it and in Joe. But now, his spirit had been scratched by Joe. Seamus had been the one to do most of the damage, but it was Joe who took the final blow.  
"It's...not my fault." Spencer repeated, his voice quiet and wavering.  
"Good, Spencer. That's good. Say it again, it's not your fault." Jordan told him, Spencer looking into his father's truthful eyes.   
"I...It's not my fault." Spencer reiterated, feeling his tears slowly disappear. "It isn't my fault..." His words were starting to sound more clear. "It was all...an accident. It's not my fault. I'm not to blame." Spencer calmed himself, listening to such reassuring words from himself and his father. He felt the sobs come less and less, being replaced with sniffles here and there as he tried to ease himself.  
"It's okay, Spencer. You're alright." Jordan assured him as he hugged his son close, Spencer wrapping his arms around his dad immediately. "You're okay, I got you. Everything's alright. Just breathe...just breathe." He muttered to his son, rubbing small circles into his back as he held him.   
Spencer placed his head into the crook of Jordan's neck, grateful for his father's compassion. He was glad that his father had met him, he was the sweetest person Spencer could ever meet. He was so kind, thoughtful, and unselfish. He reminded Spencer of his Liz, the two of them sharing those characteristics. It was as Liz never left, Jordan was her. Not as a replacement, but as a new member of the family.  
A new mom. A new dad.   
He was a dad, he was male after all. He was dependable, a role model, supportive. Someone to turn to in a time of need, someone to bond with easily, someone who would understand the events in boyhood and could help if needed. Yet, he also had aspects of a motherly nature. He was gentle, he was sensitive, he was calming. He knew what to say, in what tone, his hugs were always warm, his presence was always soothing, and he could make the tears dry in a matter of minutes.  
He was the best parent. Spencer missed Liz with all his heart, and Jordan could fill in the gaps left by her. And when he missed Dan not being around as often as usual, he still had a dad to look forward to seeing.  
Jordan pulled away from their hug that had lasted just a few minutes longer, looking directly into Spencer's eyes as he flashed a small, close mouthed smile. "Are you alright, Spence?" Jordan asked, his voice mindfully low. Spencer nodded his head, showing a weak smile in return as he rubbed at his eye again, not to rid it of tears, but as a gesture of tiredness.   
"Thank you, dad." Spencer thanked for his sweet generosity. "I'm really glad I have you." He whispered, holding back a yawn as Jordan felt his heart relax at those words. "I think I'm going to go to lay down. I'm pretty tired." The two giggled at that, Jordan tousling his son's hair playfully. "Goodnight, dad."  
"Night, Spencer." Jordan mumbled back, the two sharing a final hug before Spencer made his way back to his room, his eyes tired and still rather sad. He sighed to himself as he stood in front of his bedroom door, somewhat worried to step foot into it again. Joe was in there, and Spencer didn't want to face him again after what had just happened. Joe had just blamed Spencer for the death of their mother, and he was in fear what he would do or say next.   
He closed his eyes as he turned the knob carefully, pushing the door open as calmly as he could. He kept his head aimed down, his eyes opening and staring at the floor as he refused to make eye contact with the reason for his break down prior. Joe looked up when the door had opened, he had moved from his bean bag chair to his top bunk, getting ready for bed. He had felt terrible for what he had said, his mouth just speaking with a mind of its own.   
He hadn't meant to say it, but he couldn't take it back. It hurt him as well, seeing the shock on his brother's face turn to guilt. A large amount of guilt. Spencer wasn't the reason for what happened to Liz, it had all just been an accident. But, with Joe's claims, it made Spencer believe that it wasn't just an accident; it had been his fault. The only reason he didn't go after Spencer was because he knew he wouldn't want to see him. He had been the one to cause Spencer to believe these things.  
And the one to make him cry.  
Joe concentrated on Spencer's face when he had entered the room, his making Joe's turn pale and frown. Spencer's eyes were red and swollen, the skin around his eyes puffing up and appearing a dark pink. His face looked tired, the action of crying draining him of almost all energy, possibly even all hope.  
Joe had seen his twin like this before.   
It was before when Liz's death was fresh in their memory, the pain from it still hovering like a storm cloud above each of their heads. Spencer had been shocked out of reality when witnessing what he had, the sights and realizations hurting his mind, spirit, and heart more than anything. He could never stop crying, but that was understandable. The poor kid had just lost a parent...right in front of his eyes.  
Joe couldn't remember a time back then when Spencer's eyes weren't bloodshot, he took the situation way too hard. Sometimes he wouldn't sleep, and if he did, he'd just wake up from a nightmare. He would barely eat, sometimes not even bothering to come out to sit at the table. There were two chairs not occupied at dinner instead of one. He would rarely speak, the only thing coming from his mouth would either be whimpers, or sobs.  
Spencer...was broken.  
But, Joe had saved him before he had gotten any worse. He hated seeing his brother crumble before his very eyes, it being a sight too hard to take in. He had taken action and tended to his brother, placing him in a warm environment, differing from the cold one he had been living in altogether. He helped him fall asleep, he was Spencer's shoulder when he cried. With Joe's help, Spencer started to eat again, full meals at the table with the rest of the family. He returned to his talkative self with a few smiles thrown in all over the place.  
And the crying came less and less until Spencer didn't even remember the last time he had shed a tear.   
But, now he did.  
Joe had made Spencer revert back to the way he was, damaged, suffering, scarred, and drowning in fault. And just by a glance at his face, Spencer looked...worse.   
Spencer didn't say a word as he entered the room, making his way directly to his bed and laying down, curling himself into the fetal position as he closed his weary eyes. He wasn't expecting Joe to say anything, him given the silent treatment as Jordan's comfort was only to calm him. The death of his mother was still pinned on him, Jordan presumably knew it, Joe definitely knew it, and now Spencer finally admitted it.   
"Spencer?" Joe whispered, his head overhanging his top bunk in order for Spencer to hear his words. Spencer opened his eyes somewhat, glancing up at the area from which Joe's voice emitted. He didn't reply, his lips sealed closed. "Spencer, are...are you alright?" Joe questioned, feeling a large amount of worry for his brother. Spencer was pretty bad in the past...he didn't want him to get any worse.  
Spencer let out a light sigh, a sound that could easily be left unheard. "I'm fine, Joe." Spencer spoke undertone, his voice hushed and raspy. "You don't have to worry about me." He told him, not wanting Joe to become concerned. Because, to him, he shouldn't become Joe's concern. Not like Joe would show so much anyway.  
Joe sighed, a little flustered with Spencer's deflective attitude, and mainly awful as he knew Spencer believed himself to be terrible. After what he had done, he didn't deserve anyone's disquietude. He threw the blanket off of himself, climbing down the ladder from his top bunk. He landed on the ground, jumping down from the ladder once three steps off of the floor. He met eyes with his brother only for a second before Spencer closed his leisurely.  
"Spencer?" Joe called his name quietly as he took a few steps nearer to the bed, sitting on the edge as he never drifted his eyes off of his brother. "Spencer? I...I'm really sorry." Joe began, Spencer not replying nor opening his dolphin blue eyes. "I was angry...I didn't mean to say that, it's not the truth. You couldn't have seen it coming, nothing was your fault." Joe surrendered, placing a hand on Spencer's leg located under the blanket.  
Still no reply.  
Joe sighed. "It wasn't your fault, you did nothing wrong going to that party. You were only trying to be nice." He felt his lip tremble as Spencer only rolled over, facing away from Joe completely. Joe hung his head, shaking it as his eyes began to sting. "I wish I was more like you. I wish I could be as happy as you, and smile no matter what." He felt himself get choked up. Spencer remained still, not believing Joe's words. Why would he want to be someone so weak?  
"I wish I was likable, and friendly, and funny like you. You get along with people easily, you're smart, you know how to take care of James and Kevin." Spencer opened his eyes as he heard Joe's voice quaver. Joe wiped away tears that had left his heart, never to return home again. "You're an amazing kid and I wish I could be like you. ...But, I can't. I'm not.   
"I'm terrible, I don't smile that much, I have trouble making friends. Losing them, not a problem..." Joe's voice trailed off, his words referring to Spencer being his only true friend. And now, he wasn't sure if that was even true anymore. "I'm just a horrible person that beats down on you, and takes your happiness away..." Joe let the guilt sink into his skin, it taking place of his blood and bones.   
And his tears.  
Spencer sat up from his warm confides, his head a few mere inches from hitting the top of his bed, the bottom of Joe's. He looked over at his brother, the older of the two as he was born three minutes prior to himself. Joe had his head in his hands, eyes squeezed shut as tears of blame trickled down his cheeks and fell down thereafter. He had only seen his brother cry one other time in his life, that was when he had gotten the news about the car accident.  
It was a saddening sight, Joe biting his bottom lip as he tried not to let the sobs become any louder. His eyes were as puffy as his own, an endless amount of tears drenching and leaving them. He had always looked up to Joe, being so strong and dependable. But seeing him become so dependent... It was happening all over again. But, Spencer had found out that not everyone is as strong as they appear. They, too, are human and have feelings, either hidden or exposed.  
Joe tried hiding his for so long, but sooner or later, they came knocking on the door.  
Spencer placed a hand on Joe's shoulder as the other turned to face him, his eyes glossy as they shined with the light in the room. The sight made the vulnerability of Joe become shown, and the warm heart Spencer possessed to forgive once again. He placed his arms around his brother, placing him in a close hug to which Joe was thankful for. He held his brother close, his head resting on his shoulder as he was thankful for his brother's generosity.  
"You're not horrible, Joe." Spencer whispered into his ear, patting his brother's back lightly. "I don't want to hear you say that, you are not horrible." He felt a few of his own tears flood his eyes. "You are the best brother I will ever have, and the greatest friend." Joe felt himself smile at that. "You're hilarious, you're comforting, you're helpful, you're thoughtful." Spencer paused, drawing conclusions in his head as he pulled away. He looked at Joe in the eye, the two smiling at each other for the first time in a while.  
"You're a lot like mom."   
*******  
James made his way down the hall the quietest he could, not wanting to be noticed and in trouble for eavesdropping. He had only went into his father's room to ask if he could stay up later than usual that night, Dex, Kevin, Aleks, and himself playing a fun game of BattleBlock Theater. As he neared the room, the door was left open as he saw a crying Spencer in Jordan's arms.  
James made sure he wasn't seen, hiding behind the wall with his head peaking out slightly. He heard Jordan whisper to Spencer in order to calm him down, the fourteen year old had collapsed into a sobbing mess. He had never seen his brother so bad before, when Liz had passed, Spencer usually stayed in his room, keeping most of his crying private. Now, it was all out in the open and it made James' heart break.  
He could only think of one person who would do such a thing: Seamus.  
He heard the many arguments Seamus had started, multiple he had been involved in. The rejection, the ignoring, the sneers, looks, and mutters under his breath. All had pushed James to despise Seamus, him not being much of an older brother. James had heard from the shouts upstairs that Seamus was constantly putting down the twins, Spencer in particular. And he knew Seamus wasn't above making another cry.  
Something had sparked in James when seeing his brother cry, something that felt like a mix of sorrow and anger. Sorrow for the tears Spencer shed, for the sadness that had entered his bloodstream and was carried throughout his entire body. And anger for the boy who had caused him to be this way. How could Seamus treat Spencer in a way so cold? Doesn't he have feelings at all? Regret? Sympathy?   
Any form of care?  
James had had enough.  
As he heard Spencer tell his father he was planning on getting some sleep, James found himself tip toeing away, marching down the steps, and into the living room which housed his younger brothers, and the oldest. The one who had just crossed a line, broken the last straw, snipped the final vein of James. Although, in this circumstance, Seamus was innocent.  
But, what's a good story without a little mess here and there?  
"What the hell is wrong with you!?!" James shouted at Seamus who looked up from his phone to see the shorter of the two snarl at him. Seamus matched his face and sent a dirtier look back at the younger, placing down his device at hand and sitting up from the couch. The action caused some fear to spread throughout James, but he stood his ground as the other twelve year old and two ten year olds watched in worry.  
"Why did you make Spencer cry?!?" James stabbed directly at the point of his flustered yells, wanting it to be Seamus instead of his words.   
"I didn't do anything to anything to that pussy." Seamus defended, feeling fists form by his sides. He didn't want to hurt the twelve year old, but at this point, he didn't necessarily care anymore.   
"Yes, you did! I just saw Spencer crying upstairs!" James proved, pointing to the staircase from which he had just departed. A look of sympathy washed over the three viewers faces, Kevin, Aleks, and Dexter feeling awful for what Spencer was feeling.  
Seamus' brow raised infuriatedly, his conclusions drawn with a tinge of sarcasm. "Oh, so, since he's crying, I'm ultimately to blame?" Seamus pushed back, standing from the couch and taking a step closer to James. James swallowed a lump in his throat before returning.  
"You are to blame! All you do anymore is put Spencer down, what's wrong with you?!?" James screamed back, the fighting made Kevin look away, Dex cover his ears, and Aleks, being the oldest of the three, try to take care of his brothers while wanting the argument to come to an end. He was afraid himself, but he hated seeing his older brother and best friend go into combat.  
Seamus listened all too well to James' words, those same ones he had heard too many times. What's wrong with you, what's wrong with you. Everything, seemed to be the answer Seamus came up with, since everyone he had ever known had asked it. Either with their words, actions, or the silence in their eyes.  
"Guys, please, stop the fighting." Aleks begged, dangling his legs from the couch as he scooted closer to the edge. He was done with all the fights taking place under the same roof, and he wasn't the only one. Kevin was tired, Dex was slowly becoming scared, Spencer was falling apart, Joe let himself succumb to it, Jordan was reaching his breaking point, and Dan was oblivious to it all.  
A family is supposed to work.  
"Stay the fuck out of this, Aleksandr!" Seamus yelled at his younger brother, not even feeling the slightest bit sorry as his frustration boiled to a degree off of the charts.  
The conflict from downstairs had met the ears of Jordan, him sighing as his attempt of going to sleep earlier had been ruined. He stretched out his back as he made his way down the steps, meeting the confrontation first hand. James and Seamus stood five feet away from each other, Aleks another five as he had gotten off of the couch, walking nearer to the fighting two to somehow separate them. Meanwhile, Dex and Kevin were seated from a distance on the couch, both of the youngest with light or heavy tears in their eyes.  
"Seamus, James! What is going on between you two?!?" Jordan raised his voice to gain their attentions, the only heads moving towards him were of the innocent not involved. The fifteen and twelve year olds kept their gazes firmly locked on each other's eyes, pools of blue staring into orbs of brown.   
"This son of a bitch is blaming me for something I had nothing to do with!" Seamus answered, it had been a while since he had actually spoken a word to his father. His eyes, however, didn't meet the elder's at they burrowed holes into James'. He knew his father didn't accept cursing or swears of any sort, yet that didn't stop Seamus from saying what he had in front of him, and the children who shouldn't be surrounded by such profanity.  
"Seamus, please do-" Jordan's words were derailed and ignored.  
"It is too his fault! He made Spencer cry, I saw it! It's all your fault!" James fought back, turning to Jordan mid explanation before looking back at Seamus once more.  
"Please, boys settle dow-"  
"No! I'm not going to settle down! Everytime things turn to shit, I'm the one who's ultimately blamed! I'm sick and tired of it!" Seamus defended, giving his father a quick, icy stare. "Especially now, since this wasn't my fault!" Seamus drew the three last words out a little longer to make his point as he aimed his laser eyes to the boy in front of him.  
"Seamus, James, will you please stop?!?" Aleks heightened his tone, pleading for his brothers to end their badgering. He, again, was only ignored, James appreciating his attempt to cool the situation, and the small voice to the left of him only angered Seamus more.  
"Not until the juvenile gets his god damned facts straight!" Seamus retorted, shoving James slightly.  
"Seamus, don't start!" Jordan commanded, taking a step closer to try and break the two apart.  
"You don't push him like that!" Aleks fought back, taking more of James' side than Seamus'.  
"I'll treat him however I want to treat him! The same way he's treating me!" Seamus nearly screamed, his vexation growing out of control.  
"The same way you've been treating Spencer! And Joe! Even your own dad!" James brought up, feeling tears being to spring in his eyes as he stomped his foot, bring himself a step closer.  
"Please, James-" Jordan could never get a word in.  
"Stay the fuck away from my life!" Seamus couldn't believe his tone could get any louder.  
"Why?!? So you can ruin mine even more?!?" James rhetorically asked, his yells and screams hurting his throat.  
"Guys! Please!" Aleks begged, his voice matching their loud tones in order to grab their attentions.  
"Shut the fuck up!" Seamus demanded as he turned towards his younger brother, hatred in everything he did. He threw a fist swiftly at Aleks, punching him as hard as he possibly could. Aleks let out a hurt whimper as he stumbled back, hitting his back on the couch as he fell against it, shocked.  
Then, silence fell over the room.  
All eyes were on Aleks, soft and concerned. Aleks held a hand to where he had been hit, his left cheek, just below the eye. As he placed his hand to it, he felt the blood, it staining the tips of his fingers and the side of his face as it ran. Ran like his tears as he began to sob from the pain, flashbacks from living with his father began to resurface all at once.  
"Aleks!" He heard his father's voice echo from the many walls, although the three bedroom, one story house they lived in wasn't all too big. His head lifted up immediately at the angered tone, he felt himself shake from the sound. He pressed himself further against the corner of his bed, hearing rather loud footsteps walk down the hallway and to his door.  
His father burst into his room, the force causing another of the many holes in the far wall. Aleks felt his eyes fall down immediately to the hard wood floor, the many stains and dark spots on it becoming a nice distraction. "Aleksandr, did you leave those fucking dishes in the sink?" Sherman yelled, stepping further into Aleks' room.   
Aleks cringed at that unnecessary word.  
Aleks shook his head subtly, his gaze still locked on the ground. "No." Aleks told the truth, keeping his voice extremely low. His father stomped to his bed, placing a hard hand on his shoulder and lifted his head up forcefully by the jaw.  
"Don't fucking lie to me, boy! I know it was you!" His fingers tensed, his grip on Aleks became tighter as it was starting to hurt. Sherman had been the actual one to leave the plates in the sink, him being too drunk to remember. He was always drinking something, from a simple can of beer, to a glass of whiskey, to the entire bottle of rum straight from the bottle.   
Aleks could smell the alcohol on his breath, this time it smelled like a mixture of vodka and cranberry juice. He nearly gagged at the scent. "It wasn't me." Aleks' small voice spoke again, he felt himself tremble with all the fear in the world. He felt a hard smack across his right cheek, it burning and causing Aleks' tears to pour. He didn't turn back to his father as he gripped at his son's hair, pulling him to his sight.  
"You're a fucking liar! Just like your mother!" Sherman yelped, his face inching closer to Aleks' as the boy tried to shrink away. "You better have those fucking dishes done by the time I'm done getting washed!" He pushed Aleks backwards, his head colliding with the wall of his room with a loud thud. "Every plate that's still in that sink when I'm finished, is getting broken over your god damned head!" Sherman threatened, his eyes of black coal frightening Aleks the most.  
"You piece of shit." Sherman mumbled under his breath as he slammed Aleks' room door shut, it causing Aleks to jolt with fear. He heard his father enter the bathroom, that door, too, closing with an alarming crash. Aleks let out a few sobs as he quietly made his way to the kitchen, it not being in the best condition, neatness wise.  
Many of the cupboard doors were either rotting or missing chunks, some taken off of the hinges completely. There wasn't much food in them, a few boxes of cereal, many of which were stale. Canned goods, most Aleks wouldn't dare to even open. Boxes of pasta, a few half empty bags of chips, half a case of Ramen, too much peanut butter as they were out of bread, and barely enough crackers to call a snack.  
The fridge wasn't much a difference, only...emptier.  
Half used bottles of condiments, ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo. Packets of sauces from a Chinese food restaurant, Aleks couldn't imagine where they came from. He couldn't remember the last time he had even tasted a cuisine as such. His usual dinner consisted of a small bowl of cereal, sometimes noodles whenever they were out of milk. Which they were. Again.   
There was a container of spoiled orange juice meant to be thrown out. Yet, if he were to do it, Sherman would know and it would be another mark on his face. There were a couple other juice bottles, apple, grape, cranberry. And the rest was just filled with alcohol. Bottles all shapes and sizes, as if bitter could get it's own spectrum from vodka to rum. Brandy to wine. And all types of beer.  
Bud Light. Yuengling Lager. Bud Ice. Buckler. Corona. St. Paulie's Girl. Coors.  
Aleks had memorized them all.  
He sighed as he wiped at his tears, making his way to the kitchen sink. There was more than just a couple plates, it looked as if his father had taken every plate they owned and just threw it in the sink. A harder chore for Aleks.   
That night, he had two plates broken over his head, three thrown at him as he made a run for it, and glass piling up in front of his bedroom door that amounted to nine others. All the while, Aleks just...cried.   
That memory and many more came about just by that single punch.  
"Aleksandr...it's okay, it's okay..." Jordan mumbled to him, snapping him out of his trance and back into reality. Aleks was crying his eyes out, the tears entering his cut cheek making the unconcealed muscle burn. His father picked him up from the floor and sat him onto the couch, kneeling in front of him as he inspected the wound. "Please don't cry, Aleksandr, it's going to be okay." Jordan reassured as he kissed his son's forehead, James, Dex, and Kevin gathering near.   
Jordan restrained his tears from showing as he heard the sound of footsteps retreating, turning his head to see Seamus make his way up the stairs. After all he had caused, Seamus believed he could just up and leave without another word, let alone a single apology. Jordan wasn't going to let Seamus slip through the cracks again, he was tired of ignoring his son as he did him. Seamus needed a talking to, and now seemed to be the appropriate time.  
Jordan placed another kiss on top of Aleks' head before reluctantly leaving him be for a minute. He knew he needed to be there for his son, but James, Dexter, and Kevin were there at his side. Jordan followed his son up the steps, anger casting a shadow over his usual cheery eyes. He grabbed ahold of one of Seamus' shoulders, preventing him from walking forward as he turned him around, face to face.  
The first thing he noticed were the tears in Seamus' eyes.   
The sight made him taken aback, he had never seen Seamus cry like this before. Of course, there were the times when he was a child growing up, but now, being at the age and attitude he is, tears were the last thing expected from his fifteen year old son. He let go of his shoulder, feeling his arm hover in the air. "Seamus..." Jordan whispered, feeling rapport towards his son.   
"Don't." Seamus demanded, taking a step away from Jordan, wiping at his teary eyes. "Don't act as if you're on my side because I know you're not." Seamus grumbled, he could feel the entire house aimed against him. "No matter what the hell happens, I'm the one that's always blamed. Because I'm different, I'm weird, I'm the dysfunction in this sorry excuse for a family." Seamus ranted, tired of being put down wherever he went.  
Jordan couldn't speak, be was stunned by Seamus' words. He had no idea he felt this way, as the so called 'runt' of the litter. He was in shocked silence as Seamus rambled on, finally able to release his most deep secrets. Unfortunately, in the worst of ways on the most innocent of people. "You thought everything was going to be solved by trying to be a family, well listen, Jordan, it's only made things worse." Seamus confessed, referring to his father by his first name.  
"All there are is fights anymore, nobody gets along. I'm surprised you and Dan have lasted this long, he's barely around to even say 'hello' anymore." Seamus pointed out, sending an ache to Jordan's heart. "Everything's turning to shit, and you keep believing that it's not. News flash, this is far from a fucking family!" Seamus pushed back the tears that threatened to consume him, his gaze locked with his father's.  
"Is this your definition of a family? Where only a portion sit at the table each night? Where the fights keep going because no one stops them? Where you go to sleep every night in an empty bed?" Seamus pulled Jordan's heartstrings, plucking each as they snapped from the tension. It was far from a beautiful symphony. "Where everyone's hurting? Kevin's hurting, Spencer and Joe are hurting, fucking Aleks is hurting-" He got choked up as he had remembered what had just happened a few minutes prior. "Jordan, I'm hurting!" He confessed, standing his ground as they tears began to pour.  
"And you keep ignoring that. That's why I don't talk to you, that's why I stay away, that's why I fucking keep my feelings inside!" Seamus sniffled lightly, taking a step back from his father as he ripped off his glasses. "But that shouldn't matter to you. Because I don't. You tend to Dex, you tend to James, you tend to Spencer. What about me? Huh? Why don't I get shown a bit of your fucking love?"   
Jordan was left in silence.  
Seamus shook his head, not even hiding the tears anymore. He turned away from his father and began walking to his room, needing to calm down before Jordan prevented him. "Seamus...I do care about you. I-I love you, you're my son-"   
"And I wish I wasn't." Seamus fought, giving his father one last glare from behind. Jordan nearly broke down at that, feeling his heart fall fast and hard. "I hate you." Seamus muttered, turning back around and entering his room, the door closing loudly as usual. Jordan felt lightheaded when Seamus growled that, reality drilling into his mind. Seamus had opened Jordan's world and torn it to shreds, pointing our every flaw and defect. Then he spoke his mind and admitted something Jordan never wanted to hear.  
That his own son despised him.  
He nearly stumbled into the bathroom, the pain of Seamus' words almost allowed him to let it all go. He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, his tears coming on stronger than before. Jordan nearly snapped, Seamus' words being a close call. But, next time, it might not be. His bottle was getting ready to burst, more cracks taking place here and there. Some things were released, but only by accident. A yell here, a few tears there. Sooner or later, it would be much more.  
It'd be his entire heart.  
He sniffled before he took a deep breath, letting it out as he watched his tears recede once opening his azure eyes. They still looked bloodshot, but that didn't matter. The injured twelve year old downstairs is what mattered. He struggled while keeping his composure, opening the medicine cabinet and taking out a bottle of antiseptic spray, and a cloth.  
His son was who needed to be taken care of.   
Not him.  
•••  
Aleks felt his panic rise as he continued crying, his cries a little louder than the conflict ongoing upstairs. His cheek singed as the air hit them, it seething with pain which made him only sob more. He thought he was free from this abuse when he was taken away from Sherman, but it only followed. Aleks learned that pain, hatred, and hurt aren't from just one person.  
Everyone owns each. And Aleks felt each.  
"Please, don't cry, Aleks..." Kevin begged, resting his smaller hand on Aleks' comfortingly. He hated seeing his brother this way, so helpless and afraid. He wished he could just make all of his anxiety disappear, to remove the pain Aleks felt. But, he couldn't. He was human, and the only thing he could do was wish.  
"It's alright, Aleks. You're going to be okay." Dex whispered to his older brother as he placed a kiss on his cheek, the one only covered in tears. When Aleks arrived into the family roughly eight and a half months ago, Dex didn't take quite a liking to him. He was used to things just being himself and Seamus, he didn't take too kindly to a second older brother.  
He never really treated him like family, just a stranger living at their house. He never spent much time with him, the only interaction being sitting in the same room for longer than five minutes. They never played games of any sort, fooled around outside, or even talked to each other. And realizing how little he knew about his brother made him regret ever ignoring him. Dex swore to turn that around, wanting to be a better brother.  
He gave him another kiss, this time on his temple.  
Aleks couldn't stop weeping, this had been the worst than all of the nightmares, including his first. His father had left a scar on his mind, to always remember what he had done to him. The punches, the slaps, the hand prints and bruises, the tears he shed, the cuts he had to clean up, the marks he looked away from. The scars on his side that branded him for life. His childhood had been a disaster, and Seamus' fist only reminded him of that.  
"Shh, it's okay, Aleks." James mumbled to him, trying his best to soothe him. He had never seen Aleks so bad before. He had seen him cry in the past, but it was ever this unsteady, or...scared. Aleks cried whenever James used to put him down, sometimes he'd hear him cry himself to sleep. Most of the time it'd be muffled due to Jordan's shirt as he carried him around the room...  
...that was it.  
Aleks sniffled a few times as he felt James place his arms around him, hugging him close as his head rested on the other's shoulder. James sighed lightly, knowing a way to try and calm Aleks. It killed him to see his brother in so much misery after everything he had already been through. He knew what to do, and he would do it for Jordan.   
It made him sad to see his father under so much stress. This would be a way to relieve some of it.  
"When the words...weigh  
Heavy on the heart..."  
James began to sing to Aleks, his voice quiet as Dex and Kevin lightly smiled, realizing what James was doing. This had been one of the songs Jordan had sung many times, James believing it to be Aleks' presumable favorite. He had learned the lyrics by heart, although he had no idea what they meant, who sang the song, or what the name even was.  
But, Aleks liked it. This was for Aleks.  
"I am lost...and led  
Only by the stars..."  
His voice wasn't as soft as Jordan's sounded as he hummed it, but James had never done this before, calming down another. Spencer had Joe, and Kevin had Dan, James had others to look to when he felt as such, but no one turned to him as their first stop for comfort. Yet, James tried his best, and it seemed to work.  
"Cage me like an animal   
A crown with gems and gold  
Eat me like a cannibal   
Chase the neon throne..."  
Aleks' crying had died down, the sobs replaced with sniffles, the wails replaced with whimpers, the tears replaced with tenderness. He held James closer, appreciating the comfort he was supplying. James really was understanding, he didn't appear to be, but it's what's on the inside that counts. He took the way Jordan calmed his son into consideration, and used the method to calm Aleks himself when his father couldn't.  
It made Aleks lightly smile.  
"Breath in, breath out   
Let the human in  
Breathe in, breathe out  
And let it in  
Plants awoke and slowly grow  
Beneath the skin  
So breathe in, breathe out  
Let the human in..."  
His hums were cut off by the sound of footsteps softly making their way down the stairs, the sound belonging to Jordan. He swallowed his tears as he met the floor of the living room, lifting his head to see James have his arms around the crying individual. Aleks' crying had become less violent, James' calming act helping it to become so.   
At least someone was on his side.  
He made his way to the boys, quietly thanking James for settling Aleks down. James gently smiled in return as Jordan kneeled in front of Aleks, wiping a few of the younger's tears away as he tried his best to keep a small smile. "Hey, buddy." Jordan whispered, his eyes reading concern. "Are you alright?" He asked, his voice remaining at a low timbre.  
Aleks looked over at James before nodding his head, telling his father he was without words. Jordan sighed happily, his smile growing the slightest bit with relief and hope. "That's good, you got yourself some nice brothers." Jordan commented, looking left to right at Dex, Kevin, and James. "How about we clean that cut up? I don't what it to get infected. That wouldn't be pretty." Aleks chuckled at his words.  
Jordan dampened the cloth in his hand with the spray before slowly placing it to Aleks' cut. Aleks hissed in pain, backing away as he gripped Kevin's hand tightly. "Oh I know, I know. It hurts. It's okay, Aleks, it's going to help." Jordan told him, motioning for him to come closer. Aleks looked into his father's eyes, all they owned was the truth. Those same eyed held warmth, honesty, care, and love.  
Those were the eyes of a father.  
Aleks scooted forward, Kevin's hand still in his for support. Jordan placed a hand behind Aleks' head, keeping it in place as he dabbed at the cut again, Aleks inhaling sharply at the sting. Jordan cleaned the cut up, wiping away all blood as the cut had stopped bleeding. He swiped the cloth over it one last time to make sure before taking his hand away, kindly smiling to his son.  
"There, it looks better. That's as much as I can do unless you want a giant bandage on your face." Jordan joked, snickering lightly as his son appreciated such a simple joke. Jordan sat up on his knees a placed a light kiss on Aleks' cut cheek, it working better than any bandage, to Aleks.  
"Uh...Dad?" James quietly asked, catching his father's attention as he was about to stand up. "Can we stay up a little later tonight?" The twelve year old asked, returning to ask the question he wanted to, which had technically began the dispute. All he had wanted was to spend more time with his brothers. He didn't mean for heartbreak to arise in more than one person.  
Jordan nodded his head, grinning at James' polite manner. "Yeah, sure, you can tonight." He agreed, silently groaning due to the ache in his back. "Just make sure to keep your voices down, I don't want to keep up Spencer, Joe, and...Seamus..." He was hesitant to say his name, just those two syllables causing a sudden lump in his throat.  
"Thanks, dad." Dex thanked his father, he could see the hurt behind his eyes. He knew he hadn't caused it, but Dex felt somewhat guilty. He couldn't make it go away, so instead, he smiled at his father to try and somehow lessen it. And as happy Jordan's smile appeared, on the inside, warnings signs were going off as he felt himself break apart.   
The four boys left the living room, heading up the stairs to James and Aleks' freshly painted room to begin a new round of a new videogame. Jordan sighed to himself as he turned off the downstairs console and television, placing everything back where it belonged. His eyes were exhausted, he could feel the bags under his eyes by now. He yawned to himself as all he had wanted to do was fight to go sleep with Dan laying next to him.  
Jordan looked up at the clock. An entire hour and a half had passed when dealing with the boys, it being the time where Dan would arrive home any minute. As much as he was excited to see the love of his life, Jordan just felt depressed. Today had been another hassle of cleaning, cooking, and calming. Crying, he wished he could do, but he had to stay stable. Letting the kids see him in that way would be hard for them, possibly even harder for himself.  
And the hardest for Dan.  
If Dan even ever got to see.  
Jordan turned off the lights to the living room, mustering up enough energy to lift his legs after each stair, and made it to his room. The light had been left on the whole time, it felt like a friendly welcome back to him. Yet, he couldn't smile. The events from the day were racing through his mind, not giving him a rest. He sat down on the edge of bed, placing his head in his hands as he went through the most difficult one: that conversation with Seamus.  
Everything Seamus had been feeling was buried deep, six feet under. Until today, he threw it all out there, not caring if he had broken any bones, scarred any skin, or damaged any hearts. Which he had. He had seared James' feelings, some of the things he had said hurt James, no matter how much he ignored them. He had made Aleks cry and bleed, his own older brother. And he had hurt Jordan most of all in the worst of ways.  
He pushed him out of his life, shunning Jordan altogether. Jordan only left Seamus alone because he figured that's what he wanted. He had no idea that the action hurt him. And Seamus wouldn't allow a second chance. He turned his back on Jordan, making him feel the worst he had in all those years. He pointed out the bad things in their shared life, and wished that it wasn't shared. Their life was horrible, and Jordan was beginning to see that.   
And now he saw Seamus walk away, not wanting a father so selfish and naive.   
No wonder why he hated him...Jordan was starting to hate himself, too.  
He hadn't even caught himself crying until he took a deep breath, his light sobbing causing the air to scatter. He raised his head, needing to calm himself down, but finding it a difficult task. He wiped at his eyes as he attempted to breathe evenly and calmly, his sadness pushing against his tear ducts and lungs. He jolted his head up worriedly once hearing the bedroom door open, afraid that it was one of the boys catching him in such a vulnerable state.  
But, it wasn't James, Kevin, or a child of the sort. It was Dan, arriving home from work. He met Jordan's eyes at the foot of the bed, and his face turned immediately worrisome. "Jordan?" He concernedly asked, placing down his backpack and unzipping his light jacket. "Jordan, what's wrong, sweetheart?" Dan questioned, taking a seat next to the other man on the bed.  
Jordan shook his head, sucking in another cold breath. "I'm fine, just...today was...really stressful." Jordan confessed, looking down at the white carpeted rug beneath them. He wiped away more tears as he felt a hand on his shoulder from Dan, turning his head to see his consoling, brown eyes.  
"How come? What-What happened?" Dan wondered, not believing his ears. He believed everything to be okay at the house, but seeing Jordan in this type of state made that seem a little too good to be true.  
Jordan felt his strength slowly weaken, the truth just spilling out. "Just...Joe told Spencer he was the reason Liz died and..." Dan's eyes grew wide at that. "And Spencer started crying and panicking because he believed it..." Jordan felt himself begin to get choked up. "It was so hard to see him that way, he said he didn't deserve to live...he just kept crying and crying and crying...  
"And later, James and Seamus got into another fight..." The word 'another' struck Dan's ears. "They were going back and forth, getting louder and louder. Seamus shoved James a little, and James was close to crying. He had tears in his eyes..." Jordan took a little gasp. "And Aleks tried to break it up, and...and Seamus punched him, the poor kid." More tears were rolling down Jordan's face, his voice raising a little in pitch.   
"He cut his poor cheek open, and then Aleks started crying, and Seamus just walked off and..." He was hushed by Dan's hand on his back and words coming from his mouth.  
"Shh, shh, it's okay, Jordan. I'm so sorry, today was really hard for you." Dan whispered, calming Jordan a bit. "It's alright, things are going to be okay. I'm sure of it." Dan reassured, smiling slightly to find the hope again in Jordan's spirit. He was only met by more doubt.  
"Seamus...," Jordan started, his voice back to it's normal volume, "...Seamus said he hated me today." Jordan looked at Dan in the eye, trying to make his point that things wouldn't be okay. Dan's mouth hung open at that, shocked that Seamus would say such a thing. "My own son...," Jordan choked on his words, "...said he hated me..." Jordan bit his trembling lip, biting back a sob until he no longer could.  
He hung his head, feeling his bottle getting ready to burst, emotions filling his heart as it was about to combust. "Jordan, Jordan..." Dan whispered as Jordan leaned over towards the other, allowing himself to be held while he cried. He placed his head in the crook of Dan's neck, his tears leaving puddles on his gray shirt. "Aw, it's okay, Jordan. Shh, shh. You're going to be okay." He reassured.  
He rubbed small circles into Jordan's back, soothing him with small phrases of reassurance. He didn't know things were this bad, which only proved he hadn't been around the house as much as he should've been. He held onto the other man tighter, feeling utter compassion for what he was going through. He should've known seven kids was too much for Jordan, why did he agree to let so much pain come his boyfriend's way?   
"Shh, shh, I got you. You're okay, Jordan, you're okay." He muttered over and over, kissing Jordan's cheek lightly. "It's all going to be okay, I'm going to help you. Alright? You're not alone, I'm going to help you out." He promised, the words making Jordan's tears stop for a moment.  
Jordan sniffled, speaking rather lowly. "You always say that."


	13. Chapter 13

"You always say that."  
Dan let go of Jordan slightly, holding the other by the shoulders as he looked at him in the eye. Jordan's words didn't sound as sweet as when he usually spoke, the weren't filled with cheer or a positive attitude. They sounded rather mean, angry even. Like his happiness had just been a charade, and these was the true emotions becoming unleashed.  
On the person who caused them.  
"You always say you'll help, but then you never do." Jordan rephrased his words, them being quiet and sharp. As sharp as the glass bits cutting everything away on the inside of him. "I have been needing help from you for a month and a half, you haven't been home for a month and a half." Jordan felt his annoyance and frustration build up within, himself being too tired to give a damn about what he said.  
"All you do is work anymore!" Jordan raised his voice, scooting away from Dan's arms. "I never see you, the kids never see you! Sometimes I feel like I'm their only parent!" Jordan tried to remain strong throughout the painful tears. "Even when you are home, it never feels like you're here!" He was beginning to comprehend how Seamus felt, ignored. It was a sickening feeling.  
"Don't you remember that you have others means in your life? You have a family to take care of! The boys need you, I need you!" Jordan rambled on and on, never breaking the Earth shattering stare between the two. Jordan's eyes were filled with sadness, hurt, hidden pain, and layer after layer of Hell. Dan's were filled with levels of guilt, contrition, compassion, and all the care his heart could carry. "You're never here! You never support this family! You don't!"  
That last claim made anger settle into Dan's aching mind, as much as Jordan had a point, it only lasted so far. "Really? Well, if I don't support the family, who's making all the money?" Dan retorted, his eyebrows dipping as his vexation stepped in. Jordan looked at him with innocent eyes as he continued. "I have a job to attend to as well, I need to be able to make money for my family! You, of all people, should know!" Dan brought up Jordan's struggling past with money, the remembrance making Jordan's lip tremble.  
"But, apparently, that doesn't matter to you!" Dan stood up from the bed.  
"It's not the only thing a family needs!" Jordan yelled back, not caring about what level his voice raised to. "A family needs a father who's there, one parent can't do it alone. I can't do it alone!" Jordan told him, finally admitting in his conclusions. He believed he would be just fine as an independent parent, but 'just fine' seemed like heaven at the moment.   
"Yeah, welcome to my life for the past year!" Dan screamed back, his booming voice being heard throughout the house. "You're not alone! I'm the one who supplies this family with money!"  
"But what about love? What about care? You have children to attend to! You have a boyfriend to attend to!" Jordan fought back, the lack of sleep, strength, and hope had finally done it, they had gotten to him. His bottle was breaking, and it was the most painful feeling Jordan had ever experienced. It shattered every bone, it tore every muscle, it punctured every organ, ripped in half his mind, and sent a fiery burn to set ablaze his heart.  
It was all coming to the outside.  
"What about the future of your children?!?" Dan pushed back, gesturing his hand to the location of their many son's rooms. "Do you want them to grow up fit and properly, or live in worry with divorce, and money shortages, a job being lost, and your house being left unpaid!" Dan was hitting the sensitive parts of Jordan's life, the parts that made more tears well in and fall from his eyes.  
"Well, at least I tried my best to support them on a fatherly level!" Jordan yelled, ten tears falling by the second.   
"The good it did!" Dan matched Jordan's distraught tone, not even caring about what words met his son's ears. "I see the way your boys look at you at dinner! Aleks is just downright afraid of everything, Dex could rather live someplace else, and Seamus absolutely hates you! Is that 'trying your best'?" Dan pinned Jordan down in an instant, Jordan have no means of escape.  
"How could you say that?!?" Jordan's sobs were heavier as he struggled harder and harder, his air in his lungs getting trapped, almost bursting like a balloon.   
"Because I'm just this terrible person who does nothing to support this God damned, fucking family!" Dan mocked, not even feeling the slightest pang of guilt for what he had said to Jordan. He turned away abruptly, opening the bedroom door and walking out immediately.  
Jordan gasped as the air seemed too thick to take in, making his way to the door with slight unease. "Dan?" He hastily called his name, trying to keep his voice low as they were now following after one another in the hallway. "Daniel, where are you going? Dan?" Jordan asked again and again as Dan stomped down the steps, Jordan's trembling feet following after.  
"Well, apparently, I'm not good enough for this family." Dan retorted, snatching his car keys off of the kitchen counter. Jordan became frightened by that action, it meant...Dan was going to leave. Leave the house. Leave the neighborhood. Leave...  
...the family...  
"Daniel! No, please! I-I'm sorry!" Jordan tried to retract everything he had said or brought up. Dan didn't once turn around as he walked his way to the front door. "Dan, please! Please, don't leave! Please, Dan, I'm sorry! Don't go!" Fear struck Jordan like a match, it felt like he was burning inside to the out. "Daniel!" Jordan was desperate now.  
Dan only ignored him, opening the front door, yet turning around before it shut completely and locked thereafter. "'Don't go?'" Dan repeated Jordan's words. "If you don't think I support this family, then maybe you'd be better off without me." His words were the last break in Jordan's bottle.  
And with those words, Dan walked out the door.  
•••  
Seamus heard the fighting from his bedroom, he couldn't sleep due to it as it was getting louder and louder. He couldn't tell what it was necessarily about, but he heard a few mentions of himself and the others. Aleks, Kevin, Joe. James, Dex, Spencer. Whatever Dan and Jordan were conversing, it wasn't good since their words had changed into yells at one another.  
And Dan and Jordan never fought.  
It was one of the few things Seamus liked about this family, the fact that Jordan and Dan were happy. They didn't bicker, they didn't argue, they didn't get sick of each other so soon. They were in love, and it was a relief to see. Jordan and Monica always fought whenever she was home, and it was always about the three of them, himself and his two younger siblings.  
How Monica wasn't there as a mother, she was always away on business instead of spending any time with her family. And when she was home, she was always miserable. Never speaking to Jordan, barely paying attention to her sons. She basically never got to meet Aleks. Or who her two other sons had become. She didn't see them grow up, Seamus maybe, but not Dex. The poor kid was seven when Monica began traveling more frequently, he had just started the second grade.  
Three years went by with Monica on and off again gone. But, when at home, it never felt like she was there. Dex had grown to be ten, always lacking a mother figure of care, tenderness, love, and warm heartedness. Aleks never had one, from his old family to his new. His true mother left, and he had no choice in leaving his adoptive mother.   
And himself stopped associating himself with the family at the age of thirteen, just a few months after Monica was constantly leaving. Jordan tried his best to fill her shoes, but it wasn't the same. He was a mess, all over the place, unable to focus on one child at a time. Which made Seamus believe he wasn't meant to be a father with his slew of mistakes.  
And his biggest one was leaving Monica.  
And things continued to go downhill, even when they seemed either steady or inclining, they would always plummet again and again. To the point where Dan and Jordan were tearing each other apart just a few rooms away. He wondered what about...but it didn't take long to connect the dots...  
Dan was almost another Monica, scratch that, he was another Monica. Focusing more on his work life than his home life. Spending so much time away from the family until it felt like he wasn't a member anymore. He wasn't a father, he wasn't a boyfriend. He wasn't there. Which caused Jordan to fumble even more, three kids was hard enough. But, now seven?  
He knew Jordan was confronting Dan about that. Seven kids was a nightmare, and Seamus himself only added onto it. In fact, it seemed as if he was the ring leader. Causing Jordan to relive his old life he thought he had escaped from, his old rut of no wife and three kids. And he followed the same footsteps, went along the same tracks.   
And brought it all out on Dan.  
And just like Monica, Dan didn't take it.  
Seamus sat up from his bed, leaning his back against the headrest as he yawned, tired, but knowing sleep wouldn't arrive in this mess. Just like always, Monica always arrived late at night whenever she came home, sometimes a few days later than she claimed. Jordan would always wait up and the two would result in another argument.  
About the fact that she was never home. She didn't take care of the kids, she wasn't there when either they or himself needed her, she wasn't committing as much as she should've been. Then Monica would sarcastically apologize for making the family money, it wasn't like it was needed or anything. These fights would last for what seemed like hours, or what felt like hours in Seamus' sleep deprived state.   
They always kept Dex, Aleks, and himself up, and as much as he didn't want to admit, they scared him...  
...that's probably how the boys feel now...  
By the thought of that, Seamus tore the blankets off of himself, fearing the state his brothers were in. Aleks was probably crying his eyes out, Kevin was probably trembling. Dex was probably trying to go back to bed aside his deep fear, James was probably hiding under his blanket. Spencer was probably blocking his ears from the sound as Joe tried to reassure him, himself petrified. It killed him to think that, and Seamus couldn't deal with the ideas.  
He left his room, the shouts a little less muffled due to how much closer he was. He turned left and met James and Aleks' room, from the outside, he noticed the light already on. He tapped on the door and opened it quietly, all the while ignoring the screams back and forth from his parents' room. He took a step in to see his four younger brother all sitting in front of Kevin's bed, the sight making Seamus' heart twist.  
The four of them had tears in their eyes, Dex, surprisingly, holding the most. Kevin had his arms around him, hugging him closely as an act of comfort from one to another. On the other side of Kevin sat Aleks, knees pulled this chest, his head on top of them as he held his hands to his ears, covering them. James had a hand on his brother's back, whispering lightly to the crying twelve year old.  
Seamus' eyes were glued for a moment on Aleks' cut cheek.  
The four pairs of eyes met with their older brother, his vision being somewhat fuzzy due to his lack of glasses. "Oh, guys, don't cry." Seamus mumbled, making his way inside of the room and kneeling down in front of the younger boys. As he did this, the boys somewhat scooted away, all being afraid of Seamus. He should have seen it coming after all he had said and done. He sighed, feeling guilty for it all.   
"Guys...," Seamus whispered, trying to relax his brothers the slightest bit, "...I'm so sorry." He apologized, the expressions of the boys slightly changing from terrified to confused. Seamus never apologized, or even looked remotely sorry for everything he had done. But, on the inside, he was. He had hated who he was and what he did to others, that regret seeping into him at the sight of his brothers so afraid.   
He just wanted to turn it around.  
"I know I haven't been the best older brother, some of you probably wouldn't want to think of me as one." Seamus whispered, his eyes catching James' as that last line was directed mainly to him. "But, I'm tired of being that person you're afraid of. I mean that with all of my heart, and I just...," He felt a few tears escape the corners of his eyes, "I just want to take care of you."   
Seamus wasn't one for showing how he felt, or expelling his inner most desires to others, but at this point, he was desperate. Desperate for appreciation, desperate for acceptance, desperate for change. Of himself. Things around the house were going to hell, Seamus was helping it along. So were the yells from a couple rooms away. Yet, he wanted it to stop, and in order for that to happen, he had to change his ways. He'd be one less thing to cause havoc.   
Seamus' eyes glazed over Kevin and Dex's, both showing some compliance in their watery eyes. As he was somewhat scared to look into Aleks' due to what had happened around about half an hour earlier, he still did it nonetheless. Aleks' eyes still carried tears, he wasn't sure of the for them reason anymore. Except it wasn't his eyes that read his mind, it was his mouth. Not by words, but of an expression.  
Aleks lightly smiled.  
Seamus felt grateful for that as he kissed his brother's cheek, an expression of sorry as he took back the pain he placed upon him. Seamus felt more tears come on as the yells grew louder and louder, almost every word being crystal clear. He then felt a hand against his cheek, wiping away a few tears. He looked over to see that the hand belonged to James, he was clearing up Seamus' tears. He smiled at the twelve year old who returned the favor.  
"Alright, I'm going to go get Joe and Spencer, so we can all be in here together. I don't want you guys being scared, it's all going to be okay. You'll be fine for a few minutes?" Seamus clarified as the boys rubbed at their eyes and nodded their heads in agreement. "Okay, I'll be right back. It's okay, it's okay." Seamus assured as he placed a kiss on each of their foreheads before leaving the room, flinching at the shouts that sounded as if they came from Dan.  
He entered the twin's room without warning, flicking on the lights as he saw Joe and Spencer both sitting on the bottom bunk, staying with each other for comfort. They both winced at the stream of light and aimed their vision onto Seamus, both worrying and wondering why he could have been in their room. He didn't care about them, so why appear at a time like this?  
"Are you guys okay?" Seamus questioned, his question coming from the bottom of his heart and all the concern he could carry. He could tell from where he was standing and what he saw that the two of them were also terrified of the elder. Not only that, their dim expressions, from what Seamus could read, looked angry. The two despised him for the way he had been acting during that month and a half, looking down at him even more than the four younger.  
Spencer and Joe had dealt with punches. They've deal with shoves. They've dealt with insults, mumbles, glares, gestures, beat downs, put downs, and acts of a person with no heart. Whether one or the other had taken this pain, it was directed towards the both of them. And both of them resented Seamus, absolutely hated him. They felt no compassion towards the boy whatsoever, he had made them feel that way.   
And now he knew what it felt like.  
Cold.  
"We're fine." Spencer grumbled, flinching at a sudden raise in voice from Jordan. He could tell just by that, that they weren't okay. Yet, they'd rather be okay than have Seamus' half assed worry. And the weight of that crushed Seamus' weakening heart. He was learning how to use it again, and this hurt he had given others wasn't the best support.  
Joe's eyes seemed to darken. "Why would you care anyway?" Each word felt like a bullet, shots fired, piercing Seamus everywhere. He was panicked, petrified, and now in pain. He just wanted to help, but no one wanted it. Especially coming from himself.   
Seamus felt himself surrender at that, giving up and giving in to the fight. He deflated, and what seeped out was the truth. "Because you two are my brothers and I care for you so God damned much." Seamus murmured, his tangent beginning and startling the twins immensely. "I really need you right now, I know you guys are scared, Kevin and the others are scared, and frankly, I'm scared." Seamus admitted, referring to the fighting going on a little less than twenty feet away.  
"James and the kids are crying their poor hearts out, they're scared, they don't know what's going to happen. Can you please go in there with me and calm them down? I hate seeing them that way." Seamus was getting a little choked up, the sight and sound causing the twins to see a different side to Seamus. A more sensitive side, one they had no idea that it even existed.  
Seamus wasn't this tough, lonesome person without a heart of any sort. He saw that too, as his shell he had created was cracking, shattering at his feet to reveal who he really was. Dependent, affectionate, protective, and partially broken. Seeing that come to view made the twins find it in their hearts to let go of grudges and heavy chains. They saw how much Seamus was hurting on the inside, and couldn't stand the sight.  
"Please...we all need you." Seamus muttered, light tears falling from his eyes as there was no hand to stop them. Not even his own. Spencer stood up from the bed at that, making his way to Seamus with slight caution before wrapping his arms around him. Seamus accepted the hug, trying not to let his emotions swarm him and end up bawling into the crook of his younger brother's neck.   
Spencer let go, looking into Seamus' equally blue eyes as the two teens had found a truce. "They're in James' room." Seamus told him as Spencer nodded and walked past Seamus, his goal in mind to tend to his brothers. Before Seamus had time to react, he felt another pair of arms holding onto him, much tighter than Spencer's previous grip.  
These were the arms of Joe.  
Seamus held his brother in return in a hug that lasted a little longer. This comfort was something Seamus was a bit of a stranger to, yet at the same time, appreciated all he could get. He had isolated himself from any type for so long, staying away by ignoring others, avoiding them completely, yelling, insulting, and hurting them. And it hurt him, it felt like his heart was slowly turning to ice. Everything was cold and lonely because he shot down any attempt of warmth.  
But, now, here it was. He wasn't used to it, the feeling of value and treasure making his goosebumps fade. He didn't shiver anymore, the warmth and kindness his brother gave off was welcoming. Seamus may have been a bit afraid, he adjusted to the somewhat familiar confides. He held Joe a little tighter, taking in every last bit of forgiveness and hospitality. Joe had a gentle heart, and it felt nice to have it coalesce and help his suffering one.  
It first at hurt. But, now, it healed.  
The two let go after a short while, showing each other a smile of absolution before heading off towards the younger's room. The shouts seemed as if they were getting closer to the bedroom door, Seamus could hear everything word for word, and he had been right. They were fighting about Dan not being around, and it sounded like his dad was losing. Dan's voice held a slight trace of hurt, the rest of his voice being enraged.   
All he heard from Jordan were weak words and whimpers.  
He bit his lip to protest against the tears as he closed the door to the twelve year olds' room, kneeling in front of them again as Joe calmed Dex, Spencer taking the other ten year old into his arms. They whispered assuring words to them to block out the screams, afraid of their parents. The matter being debated was one too hard to hide from the kids, and unfortunately, they were a part of it. Their names being tossed around terrified the younger, all for different reasons.  
Aleks had dealt with arguments all his life, some worse than others. The fight now only brought back memories, memories he thought would fade with time. Dex was always afraid of fights, especially those between Jordan and Monica. And the outcome of them ended in never seeing his mom again. Dex feared that this would end the same way.  
Spencer and Joe had overheard an argument in the past between Dan and Liz, they were in the basement, trying to keep it quiet for the sake of the boys. They weren't sure exactly what had sprung the fight, but hearing the words the two threw back at one another scared the twins. And now, they were even more frightened as the insults given and received between Jordan and Dan were much worse.  
Kevin didn't necessarily hear or see the fight, but he witnessed a bit of the aftermath. He had gone downstairs for a glass of water when he saw his mom sleeping on the couch. He had asked her of why, and she simply said because Dad's snores were keeping her up with a little laugh afterwards. But, truthfully, Liz refused to sleep in the same bed with the man who she had gotten into fight with moments before.  
But, Dan had gotten his worst share of the few fights, too.  
James hid behind the wall separating the living room from the kitchen, seeing his father sitting at the kitchen counter. With a beer bottle at hand. Two empty ones were to his left. James had never seen his father drink, he wasn't one for alcohol, only on occasion. And as a coping mechanism. He and Liz had yelled at each other yet again, Liz leaving the house and spending the night at her sister's. Being alone, it left Dan a mess.   
He kept sipping from his beer, hoping the bitter beverage would somehow ease the aching inside. James saw that his father's eyes were red, meaning that he had shed a few tears behind the scenes. He had felt guilty for making Liz leave, he couldn't get ahold of her, or hold himself together. He knew that she'd come back, but every moment she didn't killed him. James saw it for himself.  
That night he fell asleep in his parents' bed to make Dan feel less lonely. Dan had found him after he had downed another beer, and the tears had ended for now. He smiled, kissing James' forehead as he was happy he wasn't alone.  
James hated seeing his dad in that way. All of the kids did, seeing and hearing their parents distressed, depressed, or debilitated. But, as something so terrible was happening in the other room, a tragic event as such was helping the kids make amends. They realized that they needed each other, and to support each other, whether or not being in a time of need. Which, now was.  
"Hey, you two alright?" Seamus questioned James and Aleks as the two ten year olds were taken care of. James and Aleks shook their heads, scared of what was to come of this argument. They hoped nothing bad, but to them, the glass always appeared half empty. "Aw, hey, it's going to be alright. I got you, you guys are going to be okay." Seamus reassured as the two began to doubt in Seamus' words.  
"Hey...here." Seamus muttered as he picked up Aleks, holding him in his lap as he sat where the younger did. Aleks held onto his brother, his arms wrapped around his neck as he let a few tears fall. Seamus placed an arm around James, pulling him close as James hugged Seamus around the middle. "It's okay, it's okay." Seamus assured, placing a light kiss on James' head.  
He felt a few tears fall onto the exposed skin of his neck, Aleks was still crying. It was understandable, Aleks had been through a lot as a child. Perhaps too much. This wasn't the first time he had gotten worked up, Seamus knew. He had heard his father calm Aleks on multiple occasions, especially after a nightmare. And he heard the humming that followed, deep down, he always found it as a cute act from Jordan, singing to his son to help lull him to sleep.   
And it always worked...  
"In the spring, we made a boat  
Out of feathers, out of bones  
We set fire to our homes  
Walking barefoot in the snow..."  
Seamus quietly hummed to Aleks, rocking him back and forth in a comforting manner. James looked up at his older brother, smiling as he had heard the song Seamus was singing before, except from Jordan many, many nights ago. This song, however, he hadn't learned the lyrics to, so instead, he just closed his eyes, nuzzled against Seamus, and listened.  
"Distant rhythm of the drums  
As we drifted towards the storm   
Baby lion lost its teeth   
Now they're swimming in the sea..."  
Spencer and Joe looked over to Seamus as he calmed his brother, seeing the hidden care Seamus had within him. He wasn't lying, he was in need of everyone. He cared for them, it was there, hidden all along. He had feelings, he wasn't just a heartless thief who collected those of others. He was compassionate, he was calming, he was soft, loving, thoughtful, selfless. Spencer admired these attributes of Seamus.  
And Joe...saw that Seamus was a lot like his father.   
"Troubled spirits on my chest  
Where they laid to rest   
The birds all left, my tall friend  
As your body hit the sand..."  
Aleks sniffled as he smiled lightly, glad that his brother was here for him. For the longest time, he didn't even know who he was, he hadn't gotten to meet the real Seamus Mathewson. Only a shadow with eyes as dark as the night, a grimace as nasty as death, words as sharp as spears, and feelings that didn't exist. Now, the light was shining above and he got to shake hands with his true brother.   
A boy with feelings that did what they were intended to do, care, sympathize, soothe. Words that were soft as silk, calming and controlling the tears as they put them to rest. The grimace had shriveled and died, it was pacifying to see his brother's full, meaningful, smile filled with hope. And he had the same kind, light turquoise eyes of his father.  
Aleks rested his head against Seamus' shoulder, feeling at home.  
"Million stars up in the sky  
Formed a tiger's eye  
That looked down on my face  
Out of time and out of place..."  
They all were stopped by the sound of a door opening, the door being the one to their parents' room. They heard footsteps stomp by followed light ones, easily telling which person was which. And by the voices which struck fear in all of them.  
"Dan? Daniel, where are you going? Dan?" Jordan whispered over and over, his voice sounding as if he was on the verge of tears. It killed Seamus most of all to hear his father like that. "Daniel? Please, Dan. Daniel, I'm sorry, please. Dan?"   
They soon heard the sound of keys being picked up, the jingling sound being one they all knew. The voices grew quieter, but they were still there, still scaring the two ten year olds, and the twelve year olds in his arms. Even himself, Spencer and Joe. They knew what was happening, and unfortunately, so did the others.  
"So hold on..."  
Seamus continued the song, trying to block out the elephant in the room to keep the others okay.  
"Hold onto what he we are..."  
They all heard a slam from the front door, advising someone had left.  
"Hold onto...your heart..."  
Then all was silence.  
No more shouts, no more singing. No more sniffles, no cries, no questions. No one even appeared to breathe. Just...nothing. Seamus untangled his arm from around James, and placed Aleks back beside him. "I'm going to be right back, check if everything's okay." Seamus told his brothers as they agreed with nod of their head, but denied him to do such with the strain in their eyes.  
Seamus gently opened the door, it giving off a much quieter creak than his own. He took a breath before stepping out into the hall, the dead silence becoming a bit too eerie. Almost ear piercing. He made sure to stay as silent as possible as he took a step forward, continuing down the hall as he met the flight of stairs. He only pressed the tips of his toes down when taking a step, to ensure complete silence.  
He was about two down from the floor before he stopped, lifting his head up as he heard a sound from the living room. He cocked his head in order to see, and once he did, tears began to leave his eyes without even the building up or welling.  
Jordan was kneeled down on the ground, a few feet away from the front door. He had his head in his hands, and he was...crying. He was seeing his own father...cry... His shoulders shook with every sob, each one sounding more hopeless than the last. It sounded like Jordan just...gave up. Seeing his father so vulnerable and alone was enough to send his heart over the edge.  
"Oh God...oh God, oh God..." He heard Jordan mumble, he could see his father grip at his hair and tug at it harshly, putting himself through more pain. "Please, Daniel...please come back...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...God..." Jordan muttered over and over, sniffling as his weeps intensified.   
Jordan didn't know where Dan had went, all he saw was him walk out the door, followed by the sound of his car driving away, somewhere. Somewhere far, by how his tires screeched against the road when taking off. Dan's words cut deep into his heart, Jordan just letting it all out. He had no strength left, it all being diminished in Dan's hands and thrown back at him. Hard.  
Jordan sank to his knees moments after Dan slammed the door. He didn't know where he was going, what he was thinking, his mind was obviously clouded. Would he be safe, would he return home? Would he step through that door and help clean up the battle field, or would Jordan never see that friendly face again? Jordan knew Dan wouldn't leave his family behind, but the scowl on Dan's face and the bitter look in his eyes read that he might.   
And to Jordan, in his hopeless state, believed that he would.  
"God, Dan...I need you...please, Dan...oh, God, Daniel..." Jordan continued to mutter and beg, his tears shining like the glass coursing through his system. It hurt as he internally winced, but couldn't stop the pain. Or even fight it. Jordan had finally cracked, fallen apart, burnt out. The rope he held onto was getting thinner and thinner, his muscles growing weaker and weaker, he couldn't hold on. So, he let go. To what felt like his death, there was no bouncing back.  
His game was over. He had lost. His sons hated him, his boyfriend walked out on him, and now he had finally saw the basket-case he was.  
His sobs grew just a bit more haphazard.  
He heard a small sniffle come from behind him, and he knew he had been caught. He removed his hands from his head, rubbing his eyes hastily as he had seen his oldest on the staircase behind him, worry on his face and tears in his eyes. "S-Seamus...!" Jordan spoke with shock, turning his head back as he cleared his throat, wiping away at his tears. Although Jordan was falling to pieces, he still tried to keep them in place for his sons.   
He had to be a good father.  
"Seamus...I-I thought you w...were in bed." Jordan tried to change the subject, still having his head hung as he tried to remove any evidence of his crying. He heard Seamus' footsteps draw nearer until they stopped in front of his father, Jordan opening his eyes to see Seamus kneeled down in front of him, that same concerned look in his eyes.   
"Is...is everything going to be okay with you and Dan?" Seamus whispered, bringing up the argument first hand. More tears sprung in Jordan's eyes, yet he restrained the sobs that choked him as he kept them down. He sighed to keep himself steady, he didn't want to break down in front of his son.  
Again.  
He looked up to his son's bloodshot eyes, seeing the pain they already held. He didn't want to see anymore of it. "I can't lie to you Seamus, I...," He looked off towards the front door, "...I don't know." He admitted, his act of positive answers and smiles becoming powerless to the truth. "I don't know, but...I don't think it's going to be okay..." He bit his bottom lip as he held back another sob, lowering his head again to try and hide his tears.  
Seamus let out a shaky breath of realization, shocked that his father would be so pessimistic. He was always uplifting, pulling everything together if necessary, he always kept...trying. Jordan was only trying, trying to be the father his kids deserved. He, too, knew that it was difficult, and almost impossible as his sons hadn't wanted him to be their father. Seamus ignored him and pushed him away, Dex followed the same tracks. And Aleks was slowly seeing his father break, to which he became afraid of him.   
Jordan gave all his love, but received nothing, but hurt. So much, that his heart was cracked beyond repair and his love was getting harder to give. Along with any hope for himself.  
Seamus had broken his father. And as much as Jordan was suffering, Seamus deserved to see what he had done.  
Seamus fought his frown as he threw his arms around Jordan, hugging him closely as his father was startled by such a sudden act. Seamus held onto Jordan tightly, grabbing hold of his his light blue shirt with his fists, his knuckles white. He burrowed his head into the nook of Jordan's neck, letting guilt do it's work. "It is going to be okay." He reassured, mumbling low as he felt tears prick his eyes. "It will, I know it. It is...," He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts, "...I love you, dad."  
Seamus began to cry at that. "I love you so much, and I'm so sorry for the way I've been treating you..." Seamus apologized, his sobs just a bit more out of control than his father's. "I didn't mean any of it...I shouldn't have said those things, I shouldn't have ignored you...you were only trying to do what was good for us, why couldn't I see that?" Jordan turned his head to his weeping son, placing his hands on his back as he tried his best to comfort him.  
"I'm so sorry for hurting you...I've been a terrible son, I've been a terrible-..." Seamus cut himself off, his cries getting a little louder as Jordan felt his tears bleed through his shirt. As much as he listened in on Seamus' apology, his mind was still focused on the four words Seamus spoke seconds ago. 'I love you, dad'. They somewhat helped sew back the numerous shreds of his heart together, love in every stitch.  
"It's alright, Seamus." Jordan forgave, pulling away from the embrace as they stared into their matching blue eyes. "You're not a terrible son. It was me." Jordan continued before Seamus had time to protest. "I thought everything I was doing was for you guys, leaving Monica, moving in with Dan...but, it wasn't. It was all for me because I wanted to be okay. It was selfish...and I wished I saw it sooner. It's not you who should be apologizing, you had every right to be mad at me." Jordan realized, wiping away at Seamus' tears. "I'm the terrible father." He whispered, letting out a sigh of defeat.  
"No, you're not." Seamus defended the other, feeling himself calm down a little. "You're not a bad parent, don't say that. Throughout everything, you're the one who was still here. When mom and you divorced, she just left our lives without a wave. And now, Dan's barely around, and he just left-" He didn't push it further, knowing it would upset Jordan. "You were here when you were needed, and if that's being a terrible parent, then you have it all ass-backwards, if you don't mind my language."   
Jordan chuckled lightly at that, the sound making Seamus smile a bit. "You're helping Kevin get over his fears, he fell asleep without a nightlight last night. Dex is learning to be more forgiving thanks to you. You're helping James become more polite, he's helping with Aleks more. And, you opened your arms up to Aleks after what happened to him during his childhood." Seamus mentioned, him knowing all too well about Aleks' past. "Whenever he feels too worked up, I know you'll be right there with him.  
"You've fixed my mistakes when putting down Spencer, and I'm sorry for making you go through that. And you've always been there for Joe when I...hurt him." Seamus felt a lump in his throat rise when speaking of his damage. He cleared it, sniffling again. "You are far from a bad parent." He concluded, looking behind Jordan and nodding. "And I'm not the only one who knows that."  
Jordan blinked his tears away as he turned his head to see the others on the stairs who had decided to check up on the situation themselves. Spencer held Kevin in his arms, James by his side, Dex in Joe's as Aleks held Joe's other hand. "Is everything okay, daddy?" Dex asked, holding onto Joe a bit closer as he was a bit scared for the answer.  
Jordan turned to Seamus who simply smiled, supplying Jordan the confidence his heart yearned for. Jordan flashed a small smile back as he turned towards the boys again, nodding his head. "It's going to be okay." Jordan told him, repeating Seamus' assuring words. Aleks held back a few of his tears as he ran from Joe's grip and towards his father, hugging him from behind. He started to quietly cry, still a bit shaken up from all that had just happened.  
"Aw, hey, buddy. It's okay, shh, shh." Jordan soothed his son as he kissed his cheek once Aleks placed his head atop Jordan's second shoulder. Just as he did, he heard more footsteps approach the three of them, followed by more arms hugging him. He chuckled at the embrace, appreciating the kindness his sons showed him in a time of need. He placed a kiss on Spencer's forehead, feeling his tears dry on his eyes.  
He found the eyes of Seamus again, a warm smile spreading across the both of their faces. "I love you all, so much." Jordan whispered, each one of the kids slowly repairing his smarting heart. Seamus could see it, a little light returned to his father's eyes. He had been the main one to make it burn out. But, he was glad that he could light the match, to not start a deadly fire, but to just light up Jordan's life again.  
They stayed like that for God knows how long, the boys just holding their father to make him feel happy again. They could all tell that he had been crying, the redness of his eyes, shine from the tears, and weak voice from the sobbing inferred it. Dan had broken Jordan's heart that was only hanging on by a thread. A thread caused by the day to day drama the boys created from fights from emotional to physical. Insults from hurtful to crossing the line. And they were all delivered only one way.  
By shouting.  
But, this moment made up for it. The peace, the quiet, the support one another gave to each other. It was all Jordan could ask for considering that Dan had just disappeared. As much as he had caused a gaping hole in the family with his abrupt departure and unknown return, the family, he knew, would be able to stick together. Seamus may have been right, things would be okay.  
Yet, for how long and for whom were what Jordan was worried about.  
*********  
Seamus tapped on Jordan's door, it was many minutes past midnight as the younger had already been put to bed. It wasn't a fight like most nights, no one refused to get dressed in their pajamas, no one 'wanted' something to eat, they all, surprisingly, brushed their teeth. It was a relief for Jordan, not having to deal with the natural chaos. It may have been a one time thing due to what had gone on moments before in the living room, but Jordan didn't care.  
The only thing he worried about was where Dan had gone.   
He looked up from his phone as Seamus entered the room, Jordan being pleased to see him, and vice versa. "Hey, dad." Seamus greeted him, stepping into the room and taking a seat on the bed in front of his father. Jordan greeted him in a similar way, rubbing the sleep out of his eye as more weighed down on the lids. "Did...did you ever hear from, Dan?" Seamus questioned, understanding that it was a touchy subject.  
Dan just left. He slammed the door and left. He didn't look back, he didn't turn around. He walked away, leaving Jordan a crying mess. He thought Dan was better than that, just to abandon his boyfriend and their kids because of an argument. Wouldn't he know that what he did would be remembered? The kids would always know that Dan was the one who walked out, that's something no one will shake off. Especially Jordan.  
Jordan loved Dan, 'loves' is a better way of putting it. Dan made Jordan smile again, laugh, love. He opened his heart to him, yet Dan stole it, and left. Jordan used to be bright, happy, carefree. Yet, ever since he couldn't repair the hole in his chest, things turned dark. Quiet. Painful. The smiles, laughs, and love were replaced his pouts, sobs, and aching all over. Dan did more than just break Jordan's heart.  
He tortured it before putting it out of its misery.  
Jordan sighed, shaking his head as he locked his phone at hand. "Nothing." Jordan replied, feeling the residual heat from the device in his palm. "I've called, left messages, texted hundreds of times." Jordan rested his head against his hand, let out another dull breath. "I don't know where he could've gone, but I hope he's okay. God, I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him..." He shook his head at the thought.  
"Nothing will, okay?" Seamus told his father, trying to keep him on a positive note. "He will come back, I can promise it, okay? He has seven sons, he couldn't walk away from that. He loves us very much, and to just leave our lives would be unlike him." Seamus explained, Jordan listening to the points. "And he loves you. No matter who said what to whom. I've seen the way he looks at you, he's left speechless just by...a smile of yours, or-or just a little laugh." The fifteen year old carried on, Jordan grinning weakly at his words.  
"He wouldn't leave us. He...he wouldn't leave you."   
Jordan looked at the blanket as his words settled in, him having nothing to say to them. He took them in and tried hard to believe them, needing something to hold onto. All he had were Seamus' words at the moment, so he held on like his life depended on it. Yet, his doubt still fired shots at him, watching him scream and wince in pain.  
"I should be going to bed. It's pretty late, and I'm exhausted as-" He stopped himself before using such language around his father. He looked down from their gaze, a bit embarrassed.  
"It's fine. You're tired as hell." Jordan finished for him, Seamus looking up and laughing almost as his father used such a word. Jordan had never been one for cursing, picking it up from his late mother. He passed it down onto his sons, or tried to at least. Through the fights between himself and Monica, she was known for her vulgar language. Seamus picked it up from her, Dex, James and the others picked it up from him. Jordan didn't necessarily like those tawdry words, but at the moment, he didn't see any harm in them.  
Jordan snickered a little as well, unbelieving of the fact that he had swore somewhat. He shook his head once again, sighing as the moment passed. Seamus scooted a little closer and placed his father in a hug, one not shared amongst his many siblings. He held his father close, never wanting to let go as Jordan accepted his son's embrace. He felt lips press a kiss against his cheek, another act of gratefulness. "Goodnight, dad. I love you." He heard his son whisper, the words coming from him meaning the world and a bit more.  
Jordan planted a kiss on Seamus' temple, it had been years since he had given his son a kiss goodnight. "I love you, too. Goodnight...my little, Sea." Jordan muttered back, Seamus tearing up at his words. That's what Jordan always called Seamus when he was younger, 'his little Sea'. To hear those three words again were better than any 'I love you' out there.  
The two remained in a hug a little longer before Seamus pulled away, smiling up at his father. Jordan returned with the same expression before Seamus hopped off the bed, said 'goodnight' one last time, and quietly shut the bedroom door behind him.  
Jordan sighed, checking his phone as he smiled lightly to himself. Dan had to have answered. Jordan was just begging for a text message, a missed call, a voicemail. But, when pressing the power button, all that was shown, was the time, date, and his lock screen of not his three boys, but seven boys. It looked much better than the one he had hanging in his car from so long ago.   
Yet, when seeing no answer from Dan, Jordan's smile slowly faded into a line of his pink lips.  
He sighed shakily whilst putting his phone on the bedside table. He ran his fingers through his hair to ease himself as he shut off the bedroom lights, and climbed into bed. Perhaps if he slept, time would pass and Dan would be home sooner, he thought. Yet, falling asleep was easier said than done.  
He laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling, remembering when he realized he fell in love with Dan. It wasn't on their first date. It wasn't that phone call Jordan hesitantly made. It wasn't even looking at that check with the name 'Daniel Gidlow' written on it in defined cursive. Jordan knew he had fallen head over heels for Dan the second his eyes caught the other's in that bar.  
They were gorgeous, those eyes the color of root beer. They sparkled somewhat, as if they wanted Jordan to look their way. Those eyes were just another handsome feature on Dan's attractive face, and another thing the held his important factors on the inside. His feelings, his ideas, his experiences, the many things those eyes saw and see. The eyes are the window to the soul, and Dan's was beautiful.  
But, now that window had closed, locked, barricaded. And the reminder of that caused Jordan to turn onto his right side.   
He closed his eyes, trying to focus on sleep, but his mind wouldn't power down so easily. He was always reminded of Dan, everything in the house, everything in the room, everything of him reminded him of his lover. Whatever remained of his hope tricked him into believing Dan had returned home, he was hearing things that weren't even there.  
He thought he heard the front door reopen, but Jordan waited a whole, solid ten minutes. Dan never came up the stairs, and there was no movement from the first floor. If only Jordan was so lucky. As he began to drift off again, he thought he head heard the sound of the fridge opening, Dan possibly getting something to drink. But, that sound would be too quiet to hear from all the way upstairs.   
So many more sounds were heard, making Jordan believe that Dan came home. But, he was only met with disappointment when realizing that his mind had played him for a fool. He heard a car park in the drive way. He heard the master bathroom shower running. He heard one of his son's doors creak open the tiniest bit. He heard soft footsteps step up the stairs. The light being turned on, the door being closed, someone laying on the other side of the bed.  
But when Jordan looked, it was empty, dark, and silent.  
Except, the silence was soon filled. Not by anymore deceitful sounds or them being replaced by true ones. The quiet was filled with Jordan's sobs as he was now laid on his left side, forced to stare at Dan's unfilled spot on the bed. Jordan kept his weeps as quiet as possible, clutching onto the blanket as hard as he could. His tears had never felt so cold, but things get cold when there is no heat. No warmth.   
No love.  
Jordan was pouring his bottle out, allowing the tears to finally make a break for it. He sniffled, heaved, and cried for almost an eternity, just clinging onto the comforter which wasn't doing its job. The hour was getting later and later, and Jordan's crying was becoming heavier and heavier, sometimes to the point where he couldn't breathe. His tears stained everything, his cheeks, the pillow, the sheets, some had slid down to his neck.  
He shook as he cried, trembling, quivering, his poor frame racked with sob after sob. He had just wanted to open his eyes and see the larger man beside him, arms wide open for Jordan to fall into. But, when inching open his weak, weary eyes, he was just greeted by darkness. Darkness in his heart, nothing, but wisps of shadows were caged inside anymore. And as much as they were just minor ghosts, they caused a great pain within the man.  
Seamus could hear Jordan's crying from his room, sleep not coming so easily after all. Something inside of him wanted to return to that room and comfort his father, hug him dearly and let him know that he is loved. But, Seamus knew to stay. This was the time for Jordan to be alone and let it all out, Seamus didn't want to be an obstacle. He had been in his father's shoes with emotion, hiding it all away. To him, he locked it in a safe whereas Jordan's exploded in a bottle.  
But, sooner or later that bottle broke. That safe didn't own anymore space. It had to be removed, spilled, taken care of eventually. And now it was Jordan's turn to let it all go, let it all out.   
He fell asleep to his father's sobs.  
And Jordan did, too.


	14. Chapter 14

He stared straight ahead, his tears blocking his vision, but he didn't have to see to know where he was.   
Dan held back another sob, yet the tears were uncontrollable. He had tried wiping them away on countless occasions, but more were to take their place. On the car ride to where he was, it was filled with nothing, but anger. Outrage and insult towards Jordan, things he mumbled under his breath, things Jordan wouldn't hear nor did Dan mean. He wasn't even aware of where he was driving to, his frustrated mind overpowering him, he was just in a trance.  
But, soon the car stopped, parked, and shut off. The anger dissipated, leaving sadness to dwell in his mind. And in his eyes as they saw where he had brought himself. The location of their first date. He looked out the front window, the area in front of him still looking like it did almost two months ago. Still as beautiful as he remembered his excitement when bringing Jordan here, Dan had never felt so in love.  
So in pain.  
Pain since he had remembered why he was here. And why Jordan wasn't with him. That fight. God damn it, that fight. The one that sparked so very late at night. The one that probably kept his boys awake. The one that he handcuffed the upper hand in since, to begin with, he didn't have it. The one that Jordan began to cry at, the sight disturbing his heart, yet he paid no mind to the aching inside. Until now, that is.  
It was also the fight that Dan just walked out on, but it wasn't just going to another room to cool off. He took it all the way, walking out that front door, his ears covered to block out Jordan's desperate pleas to stop. That he was sorry. To not do this. Beg and beg he may, yet the other still trudged further away from his humble abode. The emotions of his regretful act didn't kick in until now, until the fight had been over and done with, and miles upon miles separated the two.  
He wiped at his tears with his jacket sleeve, it being a little long as the sleeves could cover his entire hand. This was all his fault, the reason being himself of why Jordan was at home, possibly with seven terrified kids. There was no way they could've prevented themselves from hearing it, the shouts, cries, and slamming of the door. They're probably wondering where their father went, what had gone down, seeing Jordan in a weak state, feelings differing from terrified to panicked to worried to anxious.  
How was Jordan going to tell them...? What was Jordan going to tell them...?  
Dan was also the reason he was so far from home, crying his heart out in the driver's seat of his car. He hated himself, walking out that front door was the largest mistake of his life. How was he going to face his family again once they all knew how much of a greedy coward he was? His sons would despise him, Jordan would be their only parent to them anymore. And Jordan...  
Jordan had a sweet heart, gentle, forgiving, compassionate. Yet, now, he was in need of a heart like that since Dan had made a copy of his own, and gave it to Jordan along with a crater in his chest. To Dan, his heart was black, selfish, freezing cold with ash on the inside and darkness following it. It hurt to carry around, hurt to know that that was his tool for love. But, love it could not.  
The tears that cut like broken glass continued to pour.  
He saw his phone go off yet again beside him, looking over to see Jordan's name appear along with a picture of the two of them. Jordan had tried to get through many times, his anger at first, refused to pick it up. But, now, so did his sadness, he couldn't face Jordan after what he had done. He didn't know what to say, so he let Jordan say it instead multiple times in different words once leaving message after message.  
Dan couldn't listen to them. He didn't want to hear Jordan's unsteady voice, just the sound could put the picture in his mind. Jordan's bloodshot eyes, sniffles every now and again to fill the silence. His hands carrying the remains of tears, the bags beneath his eyes growing darker as the seconds ticked on. The catch in his throat, the quiet tone of his voice, the apologies being repeated again throughout his tired explanations.  
It wasn't Jordan who had to be sorry. He had no reason to be, he was only trying to be a good father. Yet, the struggle grew more intense as seven kids was more than his arms could bear. Or his heart from the feelings being kept away, hidden for himself to deal with as he didn't interfere them with the rest of the family. It wasn't his fault that it soon became too much, Jordan was only a metaphorical victim of his emotions, being controlled by them.  
Dan realized that Jordan hadn't meant to take his frustration out on him, he tried so hard to stay stable. But, Dan knew he deserved to hear what he had from Jordan, he was barely around anymore. So much for a family when he's the one making it fall apart. Jordan was grappling at home, and Dan did nothing to help. As he saw this, his regret make more tears emerge, sadness lapping like waves at the shoreline.  
He heard his phone ring again, not bothering to look at it another time as he already knew who was trying to get through. He looked away from the view out from the window and buried his head in his hands, his head knocking against the steering wheel somewhat. Reality sunk into him like the Titanic to the ocean, grief being constant in both events. Dan just wanted things to turn out alright, he had been the one to break his family, he just wanted to fix it.  
He wanted to help Seamus get ready for college in a short few years. He wanted to explain to Kevin that there was no reason to be afraid of the dark. He wanted to look through photo albums with James, teach Dex how to cook, he wanted to hear stories from Joe about how the day went. He wanted to show Spencer how to create a videogame, he always said he was interested. He wanted to sing to Aleks the next time he had a nightmare, spare Jordan of losing sleep.   
And he wanted to show Jordan how much he meant to him. He wanted to hug him, hold him close, hold his hand, snuggle and cuddle under the blankets. He wanted to kiss his cheek, his forehead, his lips. He wanted to rest his head against Jordan's shoulder, and carry Jordan back to their bedroom as he had fallen asleep somewhere else. He wanted to raise the family with him, see Jordan as the good father he knows he is. He wanted to show him he loved him, he wanted to make love to him.  
He wanted to help him.  
He just wanted to help him...  
But, he couldn't. All because of his stupid job and that stupid project. He didn't care for it anymore, sure, the game would rake in more money, but he didn't care about that. He had money, he didn't need any more. What he needed was a family, a family he had neglected for almost two months. A family that was broken, Dan being a gear that stopped all the rest. A family that was far from perfect, yet far from just okay.   
He wanted to fix that family, his family. And it was about to begin with just a simple step one.  
Dan grabbed his phone from the dashboard, entering the lock pin, and disregarding the many texts, calls, and messages left from Jordan. He dialed a number, one he knew too well by now as he had it memorized. He shouldn't though. It was his boyfriend's that he should have memorized, and it killed him to know that he only remembered the first two digits. He sighed to himself, pressing 'call', and placing the cellphone to his ear.  
It rang twice before the other line picked up, the voice of his boss on the other end. "Joe Lawson." The voice spoke in a tired way, waiting for Dan to return with who he was and what his reason was for calling, especially at such an unlikely hour. He cleared his throat before answering.  
"Hi, uh, Mr. Lawson. It-It's Dan." Dan spoke, his voice quiet as he stared off into the distance again. "I'm sorry for calling so late, I hope I'm not being a burden." Dan apologized, contemplating what he was going to say as the conversation moved forward.   
"No, Dan, it's okay. What was it you wanted to talk about?" Mr. Lawson asked, Dan could hear the held back yawn with his words. He opened his mouth and spoke with slight hesitation, yet he knew this was what he had to do. He couldn't give in, he had already woken his boss up as an ungodly hour. Not only was that embarrassing, but he knew he was doing this for his family. Jordan, the kids.  
He was doing this for him.  
"Mr. Lawson, uh...," Dan's voice seemed to grow even quieter, "...I'd like to remove myself from the production of our game." Dan had rushed his words together, yet at the same time, spoke each one clearly so that his boss would understand. This was what he needed to do, this project was what was consuming all of his time, time spent away from what he needed. From Jordan's points of care, family, and love.  
He had ignored them all for too long, he had other responsibilities. He just threw the kids at Jordan without another word and left them neglected. Without a father, without a boyfriend. He had been blinded from those facts, and became in denial, thus standing up for his part with money. But, Jordan had been right. You don't need money to be happy. You need children, a loving companion, the family he had always wanted.   
And the heart of Liz still beating with his own.  
"Dan? What are you talking about?" Mr. Lawson asked, his tone seeming more alert and aware. It still owned the same calm timbre, though. "Dan, this is the biggest break in your entire career. Your game is going to get much attention and raise your salary drastically. Why would you want to walk away from that?" He asked, the questions reeling in his mind along with confusion and wonder.  
Dan sighed, not knowing any other way to put it than truthfully and directly. "I, uh...I just got into...a really big fight with my boyfriend. He said...I'm not around for the kids as much as I should be, and he's right. " Dan admitted, feeling the pain in his heart double by confessing it aloud. "I...I need time to spend with my family, time that's well overdue. And...I can't with all of these work hours."   
He heard his boss sigh, not one of desperation, annoyance, or aggravation, but of comprehension. He didn't sound disgruntled, he sounded rather...understanding. "I completely get that, Dan." Joe spoke, his settling tone causing a few of Dan's nerves to calm. "It's a little upsetting that you're leaving the project, but your family needs you. To me, that seems a little more important.  
"But, I can't let you walk away from this empty handed." His boss continued, catching Dan's awe. "You've done a great deal in contributing to the game, it wouldn't be what it is today without you." He paused. "I'm still going to give you your share of the amount we receive and each copy sold. You can use the money to take a little vacation with that family of yours. I'm sure the boys will love it, and you can reconnect with Jordan."   
They all knew about Dan's family, aside being away from them, they were all he talked about. "Really?" Dan thought this was too good to be true. "Thank you, sir. That's very generous of you, I can't be more grateful. And, thank you for understanding. It...it means the world." Dan thanked, feeling himself lightly smile.  
"Of course Dan, always." He heard his boss chuckle lightly. "How about I give you some extended vacation time, three, four weeks, however long you need or want. Spend more time with your family, fix everything up. You can return to work after that, but your usual hours, not these insane ones that are long and drawn out." Mr. Lawson proposed, Dan feeling some weight being relieved.  
"I would appreciate that very much, Mr. Lawson. I can't begin to explain how thankful I am." Dan felt some more tears come on, but he tried his hardest to keep them in place. "I'll take that offer, I'll call you when I'm ready to return to work. Thank you, thank you." He felt his boss smile from the other end.  
"You're welcome, Dan. Let me know how everything turns out, I know you love them." His boss spoke, that tired tone of voice returning.   
"I surely will. Thank you, again. This really helps. Thank you." Dan felt himself stumble over his words, but he didn't care. Stumbling and falling were ways of learning, and Dan kept trying until he was able to walk, both feet on the ground with another pair beside his. And seven more all over the place. "Have a good night, sir." Dan stated, hearing his boss depart with a goodbye alike his.  
Dan sniffled as he looked down at his phone, it was halfway between twelve and one. His lock screen was covered in notifications, all from Jordan. Sixty-two unread text messages, twenty eight missed calls, and ten messages. Although all the things they had barked at one another, Jordan was still concerned. He cared, there was still something for Dan in his heart to call and call again.  
And as Dan turned the key into the ignition of his car, he knew that Jordan was still in his.  
******  
Jordan opened his tear stained eyes, weak, tight, and tired. He rubbed one as he yawned, being awakened by a familiar sound at a familiar time. He opened his eyes fully, the pale moonlight brightening the room somewhat as it shone directly onto his bed. His bed that still only hosted himself.  
Jordan nearly broke down again by that.  
He sat up from the bed, hearing Aleks' crying from a couple rooms away. He must've had another nightmare, which was understandable considering what had gone down earlier. The argument involving his brothers being fought right in front of him, the injury on his cheek, the pain his ears endured in hearing his parents yell at one another, and seeing his father break down, were enough to place fear into Aleks' dreams.  
More than usual, as the crying sounded worse than it usually did.  
He sat up from the bed and yanked the covers off, trying to ignore the empty side of the bed which was connected to the emptiness of his heart. It felt as cold too, the moonlight basking over it. How beautiful it looked, yet it only showed the ugliness in Jordan's life. He was lonely, he was a mess, he was breaking apart and never able to fully mend the pieces. Not alone.  
But, when trying to do it with another, things burned to ashes, the pieces being irreplaceable. Everything hurt more because things were missing, pieces to the puzzle that would never be found. Pieces of his heart broken, pieces of his soul crushed, pieces of his mind, spirit, hope just...gone. Taken away, just like everything else. Just like Dan.  
Dan took more than half of what was left of Jordan away.  
Jordan sighed sadly as he opened the bedroom door, the air conditioning creating slight goosebumps on his lightly tanned skin. He ran a hand through his hair while walking down the hallway, readying himself to ease Aleks. Yet, in his half awake state, he hadn't noticed that the crying had been quieted, it not being as violent or heartbreaking.   
But, then he heard something else, the reason to the sobs going away so soon. As he neared the room, he noticed the door already open, the light on advising someone was inside other than the two twelve year olds. And as he took step after step, his ears heard a sound that would usually come from himself, whispered words to an upbeat tempo.  
"So I take...off my face  
Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong..."  
Someone was...singing to him.  
Jordan took a final step as he was now standing in the doorway of the bedroom, his sleepy eyes opening to their usual maximum as he stared inside of the room in wonder. And...shock. Dan came home, Jordan being asleep as he didn't hear a car pull in and end the engine, the door close, or footsteps reach the top of the stairs. But what he heard now calmed and steadied his heart.  
"And I pull...out my tongue  
Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong..."  
Dan had Aleks in his arms, the way Jordan always held him after a bad dream. His head was rested on Dan's shoulder, brown eyes fading in and out of rest. On his face, he wore a vague smile, presumably happy that Dan had arrived home and safely. Because that's how Jordan had felt, all the anger, sadness, and frustration from before melted away.  
He was just pleased to see Dan again.  
"And I cough...up my lungs   
Cause they remind me how it all went wrong..."  
Dan hadn't spotted Jordan, his back being to him and his eyes on the younger were good enough distractions and reasons. He was too in the moment to feel any eyes looking at him softly with light tears surrounding the pupils and irises. Dan now knew what it felt like to take care of a child in this type of way, he hadn't in so long. With his kids growing up, and him growing away from them for that short period, Dan almost forgot what it felt like to be a dad.  
Aleks helped him remember.  
"But I leave...in my heart   
Cause I don't want to stay in the...dark..."  
It made him smile, knowing that a dad was always something he wanted to be. From the moment Liz had told him she was pregnant with the twins, life just kept getting better and better. Then on, came James, then Kevin, then his three, new, beautiful sons who he loved with all his heart. Seamus, Aleks, and Dexter. And now, with this opportunity from his boss, Dan would spend every second he gained taking care of those around him.   
Especially Jordan as Dan turned to see Jordan standing in the doorway, tears rolling onto cheeks just above a small smile.  
Neither spoke a word to each other, feeling slight tension between themselves. Things hadn't ended too perfectly, Dan an angered coward, and Jordan a frightened crier. Dan, remembering this, lost eye contact with Jordan, feeling guilt weigh his head towards the ground. He sighed, making his way to Aleks' bed and placing the twelve year old down into it.   
He pulled the covers up to his shoulder before placing a small kiss on Aleks' asleep head. Dan, then, turned out the lamp, taking a quick glance at a passed out James before making his way towards the door. Jordan took a step back, allowing Dan to exit without things being a little too close for comfort. He shut the door as silently as possible, turning around, and facing the man whose heart he had beaten.   
Then abandoned.  
Either said nothing for a the longest of time, just the both of them standing in the dim hallway, looking at the wall, or the ground, or the pictures behind Jordan instead of each other's eyes. It wasn't until Jordan opened his mouth that words were exchanged between the two men.  
"Thank you...for...calming him." Jordan whispered, Dan's head lifting slightly.   
Dan simply nodded, quickly and shortly. He didn't answer with words, in fear of what to say and whether or not it will be used against him. Instead, changed the topic completely, knowing they can't make small talk and delay forever. "I'm so sorry." He mumbled, forcing himself to meet eyes full on with the taller of the two. "I'm so stupid for leaving, I had no reason to. I'm not going to blame it on clouded minds or obsessive anger, it was my fault. I shouldn't have done it."  
He continued speaking as Jordan just listened, not wanting to interrupt Dan's train of thought. "I just left you like that, I feel so terrible for doing that. I'm so sorry, Jordan." Dan started to tear up, the gloss of his eyes making them shine like pearls. "And I can't imagine what the kids went through having to hear that, oh God..." Dan shook his head at the impending thought. "God, I hope they're okay...  
"I'm just so sorry, I'm ripping this family apart. You're right, I'm barely here, I'm barely a father." His rants were getting shorter and shorter, having to stop in order to let a sob pass. "I'm barely a boyfriend, either. I'm sorry excuse for one, I seriously just walked out on you. How could you ever forgive me for that?" As much as he was apologizing, he kept putting himself down. And Jordan's heart burned at that, seeing how much Dan was in pain, too.   
"I'm so horrible, and I admit that, and I'm so sorry..." His thoughts were being twisted and turned into a knot, nothing but haphazard apologies flying out of his mouth. He aimed his head down as he focus on breathing more than anything. Dan, then, felt a hand cup his cheek, raising his head to see the light eyes of blue in the hallway of gray and black.  
"You're not horrible, Dan." Jordan whispered, he felt a few of his own tears escape his eyes without permission. "Granted, you shouldn't have left like that," Dan hung his head in guilt at that before Jordan lifted it back up, "...but I've made my fair share of mistakes in the past, too." Jordan saw a glimmer of hope flash in Dan's eyes. "And I want you to know...meeting you wasn't one of them.  
"...I...I love you, Daniel. I want to continue this life with you, I don't want to be mad at each other. I want to raise this family, I want to be a father to those amazing, seven boys." Jordan stopped for a minute, letting his words sink in. "And I want to be with you. I want to be a father alongside you, I want to raise this family with you. I want you to be my boyfriend no matter how hard times get. Always know, I love you. I love you so much, Dan."  
Dan bit his lip as he held back a wave of tears. "I love you, too, Jordan. And I'm so sorry..." He fell into another babble of apologies and sorry's, Jordan finding the action somewhat adorable. He removed his hand from Dan's cheek and placed it below his chin sweetly, his thumb pressing against a small dimple there. He brought Dan a little closer along to himself as he met their lips into a small, chaste kiss.  
That kiss meant everything to Dan. And it meant much more to Jordan.  
He pulled away after a little while, opening his blue eyes as Dan did the same with his brown ones. As he gazed into those vast ocean orbs, Dan saw that they were still slightly broken. After all, Jordan had been lied to, hurt, and left to cry it all out on his own. Dan hated seeing those eyes that way, mainly because he had been the one to lie, hurt, and leave. He had broken them.  
All he wanted to do was fix.  
"I swear to God I'm going to help you with the kids." Dan murmured, Jordan holding back a smile as he knew Dan now spoke the truth. "I'm going to be there with you, you're not alone anymore. You don't have to stress, I'm going to be a good father. Just like you are, I'll help..." His rant was ended short by Jordan's lips again, letting him know that it was okay. The softness of Jordan's lips were all Dan could ask for.   
This kiss lasted much longer than the last one as Dan held Jordan around the waist in the meantime, Jordan first cupping the sides of Dan's face to which they slowly slid around his neck, making the two even closer. The pulled apart briefly before meeting lips again. And again. They were both blushing and smiling like fools, but they didn't care. They had found the love in each other again that they thought was either passing or passed.  
But, it didn't. And with each tender kiss, they knew it wouldn't. Dan and Jordan loved each other, that was a fact no one could deny. No one could take back. No one could lie about. The boys knew it, their friends knew it, each other knew it. They didn't have to say it with words. In their kisses, in their embrace, in their smiles, pink cheeks, and eyes read it aloud, yet silently.  
Their hearts still bled for each other.


	15. Chapter 15

He woke up to the sound of a beating heart beneath him.  
The constant drumming in his ear, the sound of another presence. Thump-thump, thump-thump at a constant pace, a sound that somewhat startled him, he was used to waking up alone. He opened his eyes, allowing the sunlight to make him wince, but only slightly. He found himself laying on a chest, his head right on the heart that he had been hearing. He held in a yawn as he looked up to see that it was Dan's chest, his own sleepy eyes fluttering open to the morning.  
Jordan felt himself smile as he looked up at Dan, the event from last night playing in his head. Not the ones of hurt, heartbreak, and hopelessness. But, of waking up to Dan arriving home. Seeing the father he truly is, using a few tricks he had learned from Jordan along the way. He remembered the words spoken between them, Dan's apologies and his own acceptance. The tears shed of relief, yet sadness. The gaze their eyes met, having a conversation of their own. Forgiving, but not completely forgetting.  
Neither of them would forget this learning experience.  
And the kisses shared in that very hallway, the feeling of warm lips on his, a feeling that made his smile grow twice as large, made his heart begin to repair itself, made a tingly sensation in his stomach that he could only describe as love. Jordan loved Dan, no matter how terrible he saw himself. No matter how ugly, how different, how clumsy he thought himself to be, those attributes were the definition of 'perfect' in Jordan's dictionary.  
Dan revealed his brown eyes to the world as he sighed, awakening himself as he saw a pair of blue eyes and a mess of brown hair on his chest. He smiled at the sight, Jordan returning it as it was a spark to a good day. "Good morning." Jordan mumbled, his smile being the most real in forever. He didn't feel that agonizing weight pull him down anymore, he didn't dread the day ahead and concentrate on the stress. All he wanted to do was rush out of bed and spend every ticking minute with his family,his full family, with a smile on his face that could last for centuries.  
Dan could see that in his eyes, and he knew that he was reflecting the same look and dream. "Good morning to you, too." He replied, meeting their lips in a quick, simple kiss that set the day off right. "How'd you sleep? I hope my snoring didn't keep you up." Dan joked, chuckling innocently as Jordan had missed his humility.  
"Nah, you were okay. I smothered you with a pillow for a little bit, wasn't planning on seeing you awake this morning." The two shared a little laugh at that, that's when Jordan noticed those dimples Dan owned whenever he smiled so boldly, or laugh a little longer. He loved the sight of them, just the little indentations of his skin. They were just another thing tacked onto the list of things he fell for about Dan.  
"What time is it?" Jordan questioned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he sat up from Dan's chest, Dan sitting up as well. He grabbed his phone, the many notifications still overtaking the screen that he still hadn't read or listened to. But, he didn't need to. Because the person who was trying to get through to Dan was right by his side, smiling, a little sleepy eyed, but happy.   
How much it meant to Dan's heart to know that.  
"It's...9:14." Dan paused a little as his screen lit up, but then answered Jordan's question. It hit Jordan's brain like a bullet, his eyes wide open as he drew conclusions in his mind.  
"9:14? Dan, you're going to be late for work." Jordan brought up, a little anxious at Dan's rather calm approach to the matter. "Come on, you-you got to get dressed, I'll go make a pot of coffee-" He was about to remove the blankets from himself before Dan's hand stopped him, followed by a chuckle from the older of the two.  
"Jordan...I don't have to go in today." Dan told his boyfriend who only stared back with awe-stricken eyes. He chuckled lightly as he started to explain. "When I was gone...I realized...how right you were. I wasn't being a good father, I wasn't there when anyone needed me. E-Especially you." Jordan couldn't keep his gaze at that. "I...I called my boss and told him...that I wanted to remove myself from the project, the game." Jordan lifted his head up at that swiftly, those words being even more of a shock than the time.  
"I explained the situation to him, and he fully understood. But, he felt guilty if I didn't receive anything for the work and sacrifice I had already put in, and he said...that I still am going to get my share of what the company earns, and I don't have to work those obnoxious hours anymore." Jordan didn't quite know how to react, he was frozen as he just looked at Dan, tears coming on as his mouth was slightly agape.  
"In fact, I...I don't have to work for the next month or so. Mr. Lawson gave me some extra vacation time to stay at home with you guys and make this family work. I'll be here for dinner every single night." Dan felt himself smile at that. "And, when I get back to work, I'm going back to regular hours, twelve to eight. Maybe sooner, just so I can see you guys."   
Jordan felt air become a rarity as he tried to breathe, taking everything else in instead. "You...You did that for us...?" Jordan spoke out of shock, not knowing how to feel. But, his heart told him to be happy. Yet, his feelings were still a little overboard. "You gave up...something so big...just to be here?" Jordan clarified, holding back his half silenced sobs.  
Dan nodded his head, remembering another section of the phone conversation last night. "And...my boss said with the money we're going to get from the game...that I could take you guys on a little vacation. All of us...together as a...a family." Jordan couldn't believe his ears. "It won't even matter where he go. Disney, the city, the beach. A gaming convention Spencer wants to go to, wherever Aleks had always wanted to go, a place where Seamus could possibly find a suitable girlfriend." Dan gave examples, Jordan letting his laughter spill at the last joke.   
"But, until then, I'm...I'm going to spend time with my family here. In our house, all the boys, you, and me." Jordan's bottom lip trembled at that. "And...that sounds even better than a vacation, to me."  
Jordan couldn't hold it together anymore. "I love you so much." He muttered before pressing his lips to Dan's, picking up from last night. He threw his arms around Dan, holding him so close as he continued kissing, Dan smiling into it as he cupped Jordan's cheeks, one hand playing with a tuft of his hair gently. Jordan pulled away, opening his light eyes and staring back into Dan's gleefully.  
"I love you, Daniel." He whispered again, feeling his lips twitch into a smile.  
"I love you, too, Jor." Dan returned, placing a soft kiss on his lips. He pulled away as the two just looked into each other's eyes, the bond being one to never break. Except, of course, by a few sounds and scents emitting from downstairs.  
"James, don't sneak the bacon! It's still cooking!" They heard Joe's voice echo from down the stairs. They both turned their heads towards the door, the way the sounds were coming from.  
"But, I'm hungry!" James complained, that usual humor in his tone.  
"Do you think dad and dad want milk or orange juice?" Dex's small voice asked along with the sound of some glasses clinking.  
"I think they would want some coffee instead." They heard Seamus laugh a little with his words, the sound making Jordan's smile grow.  
"Here, Kevin, can you set the table?" Spencer asked, a hum of approval heard from the other ten year old. "Aleks, could you help him? I have to keep an eye of the pancakes."   
"Okay!" Aleks' faint voice obeyed, the next thing being heard was a conversation going on between the two along with words overlapping words from the seven boys downstairs.  
Jordan and Dan turned back to one another, giggling at the fact that their sons were cooking breakfast. And, most importantly, getting along.   
Jordan gestured his head towards the door, his smile far from contained. "Come on. Let's go get some breakfast." Jordan chortled a little as he removed himself from their embrace, making his way off the bed and towards the bedroom door.  
"Or..." Dan drew out the word as Jordan looked back at the other still in bed. "You could get back in bed and we could have our own little 'vacation'." Dan teased, raising his eyebrows suggestively.  
"Daniel!" Jordan yelled with a whisper, trying to hold in his laughter as Dan stood up from the bed, making his way next to Jordan, to the door. Jordan felt himself blushing by the joke, his smile being a nervous one, indeed. "You are absolutely crazy, the boys are downstairs!" He kept his voice hushed as Dan could only laugh at Jordan's reaction.  
"I'm just teasing." Dan admitted, kissing Jordan's cheek lightly. "Come on, let's get some breakfast. As a family." He added, those last three words making Jordan's blush burn brighter.   
"Yeah..." Jordan agreed, opening the bedroom door. "A family." He agreed, smiling a toothy smile as he made his way out the door, Dan right by his side. They made their way down the stairs and to the kitchen, the sight within being one Jordan hadn't see before, and one Dan hadn't seen in a while.  
"Daddy!" Kevin's voice chimed as he ran towards his father, his arms wrapping around his father in a well needed hug. Jordan looked down at the two, his love for both of them making his smile feel whole.  
"Hey, kiddo!" Dan greeted him, giving his son a kiss on the cheek. "Did you sleep okay last night? I know it was kind of loud." Dan mentioned, an apology tied in with his words. He didn't want to bring up the fight in general, Kevin was only ten after all. Kevin, nonetheless, nodded his head, his smile as big as ever.  
"I slept without a nightlight last night!" Kevin told his father, hearing the pride in his voice.   
"Really? That's awesome, Kevin! I'm so proud of you!" Dan acknowledged as he received a second hug from his son.  
"That's two night in a row." Seamus commented, smiling across the room at the two of them as he washed a dish in the sink. His eyes soon met to Jordan's, Seamus seeing the life return in them. They were brighter, full, twinkling, and simply...at peace. The battle ground was cleared, and sure, many were left with bullet wounds and broken bones. But, they would mend, and they were. The cracks in Jordan's heart were nearly gone.  
And Seamus' felt what it was like to love again.  
"Morning!" Spencer greeted them, turning off the burner as he handed a plate to Joe. "Why don't you two take a seat, breakfast's almost ready!" He told them, his uplifting smile returning once again, one, even himself, missed.   
"Dad, don't you have to be in work soon?" Joe asked Dan as he placed dowm a plate of freshly made pancakes. Dan caught his son's gaze as he made his way to the kitchen table. Instead of giving the after school special yet again, Dan decided to keep it short and sweet.  
"No, not today, I decided to take a little time off. Spend more time with you guys, I missed you." Dan answered, taking a seat at the head of the table. He met his look with Jordan at that, Jordan smiling lightly.  
"Really?" James wondered, placing the carton of orange juice away. "Does that mean you can help me look for the other photo albums today?" He asked, picking up his glass from the counter and taking a seat next to Jordan. His brown eyes grew wider with excitement.  
Dan nodded his head. "Sure, of course. I think they might be up in the attic somewhere, I'll check after breakfast." He told his son, taking a sip from his blue coffee mug in front of him.   
"Dad, do we have any photo albums to look through, too?" Aleks asked, he was getting more confident with adding himself in conversation. In the past, he would just listen in, nod and smile politely, but never say what was on his mind. Perhaps being around a broad personality such as James' was making him more self-assured.  
Jordan smiled. "I think we do, actually. There might be a couple in the basement I can go search around for. Mine and Monica's wedding, baby books, I even made one up for you." Jordan mentioned, Aleks' smile beaming. He didn't have anything to reminisce about in his younger years, no baby pictures, height charts, memories to talk about.   
Not like he had wanted to remember, though, his old parents. Or...'parent'.   
But, Jordan had taken the time to speak with social services to try and find any photos from when Aleks was a child. With help from them, and many he took himself, he made up his own childhood book for Aleks. He wasn't planning on when he would give it to him, whenever to time seemed right. And...that time was now.  
"I'll search around for those in a little bit." Jordan promised as the other boys began to take their seats.  
"I can help you, if you'd like." Seamus offered, taking a seat across from his dad. "I know the move was pretty messy, we're still missing stuff left and right. I can take a look with you and see if we find them." He smiled at his dad, just wanting to spend any time he could with his father. He loved him...and Jordan could feel that.  
"Sure, it'd be great if you helped." Jordan agreed, returning the smile as he lifted his mug.  
"Well, everyone," Joe addressed the table, "dig in. The pancakes are blueberry, only because James begged me constantly."  
"Cause when was the last time we had blueberry pancakes?" James asked, wielding his fork around in his right hand as he spoke.   
"Last Tuesday." Joe proved, Spencer holding back his small laughter as he sat between the two. "I remember because that was also when you complained we were having blueberry pancakes."  
"I didn't complain, blueberry pancakes are my favorite." James returned, Joe giggling lightly with a look of disbelief.  
"You also said chocolate chip pancakes were your favorite." Aleks spoke up, sitting on his knees in top of his chair.  
"And strawberry." Spencer tagged along, helping Dex cut his food.  
James stared at the three of them, mouth open ready to say something, his mind thinking. "Well, I like blueberry, too." He defended, shoving a piece of his food in his mouth to silence himself.  
"Dex, Kevin, you're making a mess." Seamus told them, looking across the table to see them wiping syrup on each other's faces. "Come on guys, knock it off. You'll smell nice, but your faces are going to feel crusty in a couple minutes." Kevin and Dex laughed at that, Seamus snickering a little as well. "I should know, when I was your age, I practically bathed myself in yogurt. I smelled like apples and bananas, but let me tell you, it was not worth it."  
The whole table erupted into laughter at that, Spencer meeting eyes with Seamus from down the table, the two smiling at each other. And when he met Joe's gaze, there wasn't even the slightest trace of a hatred in the eyes.  
Jordan giggled at the sight of their boys getting along so well, he had finally done it. They had managed to stay a family, they loved and cared for each other, some looking out for others, others looking up to the older. It was a sight that made him feel his heart beat again, there was no bottle pushing it aside, there was no destruction of it, there was no ignorance, negligence, no pain that swelled like a cancer.  
Only love. Love he felt beating through his heart and towards those around him. Love he felt from his sons as they hated to see him in any other way except for happy. Love that was always around as he felt a hand lay lightly on top of his. He looked down at the hand, then to the owner: Dan. He felt himself smile, watching Dan try to hide a bigger one of his own.  
They were a family. It wasn't a question, it wasn't a wonder, it wasn't a possibility anymore.  
A family was what they were.  
"I love you." Dan whispered to Jordan, the boys at the other end of the table still jabbering away.  
Jordan almost wanted to cry. "I love you, too." He answered, his smile being one too big to hide. He leaned forward and placed a small kiss on Dan's lips, at this point, too happy to care whether or not the boys caught them. He pulled back, looking at Dan with the same eyes he owned that one night in the bar. With all the love in his heart.   
"Excuse me, Jordan, there are children at the table." Dan teased, referring to his joke made earlier. The two of them laughed at that.  
"Oh, please." Jordan commented, finding it difficult to take his eyes off of the man with brown eyes.  
Seamus ducked his head down to hide his smile, pleased to see that Jordan had finally found love. His heart had been torn before, managing a job, three boys, and a wife that was always missing. It didn't weigh on Seamus until now, how hard that was on him, and having to deal with four more now nearly took his life.  
He had been keeping everything inside for too long, not just Dan leaving last night. But, the stress from taking care of seven kids and the drama they were capable of. Losing his job, handling their fanacial capabilities. Dealing with the reject of two of his sons, trying to take care of the newest of the bunch. Letting go of Monica's hand and the fights that led up to such an action.  
That was what Jordan cried out last night.  
And it hurt Seamus to see and hear.  
But, he probably would never have to again. Because Jordan met Dan, and Dan seemed to make everything better. He loved Jordan just as much as Jordan fell for him. He was everything Jordan could ever ask for, and one of the best father's Seamus knew. Even prouder to call him his. The way Jordan looked at Dan made the light in his life return, the apple in his eye, the blush in his cheeks.   
Seamus was happy to see his father so at peace again. He hadn't seen him as such in almost...a decade... Yet, he was glad that Dan had made that person return.  
And, somewhere along the lines, Dan helped Seamus return to the person he was, too.  
********  
"Is that my stuffed animal?" Kevin asked Aleks as he entered the living room, seeing Aleks on the couch watching an old episode of 'SpongeBob'. Aleks had a stuffed dog toy in his hands as he saw the younger make his way down the stairs. His finger pointed to the toy in Aleks' arm, Aleks looking down at it as he started to feel old worry kick in.  
"Oh, uh, ...sorry." Aleks apologized, looking back up to Kevin who had made his way closer to the couch. "Just...I had one like this before with my old family." Aleks gestured to the small animal, fumbling with it in his hands as he spoke nervously. "I don't really know what happened to it. It just kind of...disappeared on me."   
The truth was that his father took it away, leaving Aleks with truly nothing. But, he decided to spare Kevin the details. "It just...reminded me a lot of it." He summed up, looking down at the black and brown furred stuffed toy. "I-I'm sorry for taking it, here." He held the toy out to Kevin, an innocent expression on his face. He hadn't meant to take something that didn't belong to him. He just wanted to be reunited with a good part of his childhood.  
That dog got him through a lot. He had always wanted one, but knowing his father, the stuffed animal would be the closest thing he could get. But, it meant a lot to him. He had something to hold when his father was raging again. Something to help him sleep at night. Someone to talk to when he felt a little lonely. It always made the pain lessen. He took care of it as it did he.  
But, then his father came home from work, angered, already drunk, and seething. He took it all out on Aleks, he was seated on the couch watching one of his favorite movies when his father arrived home. He was in the line of fire. When his father began to yell, he noticed his son clinging onto that stuffed animal for dear life. He tried ripping the toy from Aleks' hands, but Aleks refused, screaming and thrashing in order to keep it.  
It was his only source of hope.  
But, it was taken away. A hard smack to the side of the head is what did it, Aleks unfortunately let go, the toy being gone forever. To that day...Aleks had little to no hope. That dog was all Aleks ever had, but then, he was left with nothing.  
Seeing that dog again made Aleks' hope double, it almost looked exactly the same. It made him smile, Kevin saw. He didn't want to be the one to take away Aleks' happiness, that dog meant so much to him, the ten year old could tell. Kevin smiled, shaking his head. "It's okay. If you like it, you can keep it." Kevin told the twelve year old, sitting next to him on the couch.  
Aleks looked a bit surprised by that as he held the dog close to his chest again. "Thank you. That's really nice." Aleks commented, looking down at the dog and smiling. "Did you have a name for him?" He questioned, ignoring the tv altogether.  
"I think I named him Chocolate, but you can change it if you'd like." Kevin told him, that great smile of his beaming through.  
"That's okay, I-I like Chocolate. It's cute." Aleks commented, hugging the stuffed animal a bit closer.  
Jordan watched the conversation from the kitchen, placing the last of the groceries away. He smiled to himself, seeing the kids get along so well. It warmed his heart to hear what he heard, Kevin being so generous to his brother. And Aleks being so considerate in return. They were both good kids, all seven of them were, and it made him smile to see their true colors blend.  
He closed the fridge after placing a new gallon of milk away, then made his way upstairs. Today had been a rather quiet day, not the usual fuss and disagreement ongoing from room to room. It was peaceful, on a steady ground since a house divided against itself, cannot stand. And as much as today was easygoing, Jordan kind of missed the running around, complaints for food, questions as of what's for dinner, conversation meanwhile playing a videogame.  
The quiet was good, but not as good.  
Jordan passed by the twin's room, the door being opened fully. Jordan took a peek in to see Spencer, Joe, and Dex playing a videogame, all seated on small pillows, controllers in hand as their gaze was locked on the television. They were all chattering away, laughing every now and again as it made Jordan smile. He decided not to bother them as he passed the room, their conversation getting fainter and fainter.  
"That doesn't even look like you!" He heard James' voice say followed by the sound of laughter, one from an older voice, one from a younger. James and Seamus, he was sure. He passed by Seamus' room to see the two seated on his bed, a photo album in Seamus' hands, his baby book.   
"Probably because of all the spaghetti sauce." Seamus joked, his lips curling into a smile of his own. "I think I was...I don't know, one or two at least. My dad said I was a messy kid." Seamus remembered, laughing a little at that. "Let me tell you, that has not changed." James fell into a fit of laughter.  
"I was a messy baby, too. My dad said once I put peanut butter in my hair and he had to give me a hair cut." Their laughter blended again, Jordan's smile growing wider and deeper.   
"Now that sounds like something I would still do today." Seamus told him, the book almost falling from his hands as they both fell back laughing.  
To see Seamus act like a kid again was heart warming.  
Jordan continued on down the hallway, meeting his door and entering. He had a shocked smile on his face that was hard to wipe off. "Everything okay?" Dan wondered, he was seated on their bed, a book at hand. He raised one eyebrow above the other with concern, yet smiled with amusement.  
"Yeah, everything's...great." Jordan answered, a little relieved by the response. Everything was great, which to him, was unusual in the household. He sighed, getting his mind off of it as his eyes traveled to the book in Dan's hands, finding it to be a photo album. "You, too?" Jordan joked, making his way to the bed and sitting next to his boyfriend.   
"What? James was right, this is fun." Dan teased, turning a page of pictures. "God, you were handsome on your wedding day." Dan commented, making Jordan nervously chuckle with realization. He looked at the album in his hands to see a picture of himself that the wedding photographer had taken.   
He was under a tree, the setting sun shining between two of the branches. Jordan had his hand around one above him, looking off to a place the photo didn't capture. His suit was usual, black and white, but with a red rose in the blazer pocket. To match the bouquet of Monica's as she walked down the aisle. The sun reflected off of his blue eyes making them seem even brighter, his hair shorter than it is now, and his cheeks hinted that he was smiling.  
Surprisingly enough, this was a candid shot.  
"Are you looking through my wedding album?" Jordan rhetorically asked, both Dan and himself knowing the answer. "I haven't looked through that in years." He mumbled to himself as Dan turned another page, another picture meeting their eyes. One causing slight tears to meet Jordan's.  
Himself and Monica were seated side by side at their dinner table, the shot was taken from behind, both being overwhelmed with happiness at their after party. Monica wore a big smile, looking at her husband, only the side of her face was shown, but she still looked so beautiful. Jordan looked at her with a shy smile, his eyes filled with joy and love.   
Under the table, they were holding hands, their newly placed wedding rings glistening in the flash.  
Based on that picture, anyone would assume they lived happily ever after. Yet, ten years and three kids later, they went their separate ways, leaving the picture to carry ghosts to haunt Jordan.   
"It really is a beautiful picture." Dan noted, taking another glance at it and its entirety.   
Jordan couldn't help, but agree to that, the picture, although it brought back sad memories, gave him a new light of hope. He smiled, looking down at the picture, deciding to not let it bring him down. But, to move on to other possibilities and dreams. He lifted his head up to Dan, grinning like a fool.  
"It is...," He spoke, "and maybe one day it'll be you and me in that picture."


	16. Chapter 16

It's there he stands, a five foot seven, hands folded in front of himself. He lets out a breath, quiet and calmly, telling himself to be both as he waits. Anticipates. Grows anxious, yet excited. He fiddles with his clothing, hoping the action would ease his racing mind. He has no idea why it was doing as such, and he shouldn't bother chasing it.  
Dan knew it was normal to feel these things.  
He shouldn't let them control him, he knew, deep down, what he truly wanted. And a few scary thoughts weren't going to throw him off track. Dan let out another breath, the state of being nervous breaking out all over as he started to sweat under his attire. He looked up at the clock on the far wall, it was almost time. Each second ticked on, seeming to go slower and slower. It left Dan's joy to overpower his worry.  
He bowed his head down, looking out into the crowd to the left of him. Eyes upon eyes, smiles and smirks, some talking away as they waited themselves. People he knew, people he wanted to know. People he would know, people he knew like the back of his hand. On this side of the room and the other, just waiting, waiting. Dan locked eyes with that stubborn clock again.  
Tick. Tick. Tick.  
He found himself pressing his stubby nails into his palm, they weren't long, but they would leave a cresent shape for a few minor minutes. It was a habit of his, one Liz had found rather cute. He chuckled at that, looking up at the ceiling and towards a metaphorical heaven. He knew Liz was with him now, proud as ever. He could feel her smile, her arms hugging him closely from behind, her soft lips kissing him on the cheek.  
Yet, no longer were these acts of deep affection, but...as good lucks and goodbyes.  
Because, as Liz would want, Dan was moving on. He was now part of a bigger family, one he and Liz had raised, and another that had been mainly raised by a single parent. Jordan Mathewson. But, they were no longer this family and that family, they were a family, two dads and seven sons. Their definition of perfect.  
They had seven beautiful sons, all that had grown up a little from lessons learned to birthdays passed over that year and a half. It was amazing seeing them grow right before their very eyes. Seamus was sixteen, a sophomore in high school, and starting to learn how to drive. He wasn't the best per say, but he was just beginning. He had become a big help around the house, taking more responsibility for his six younger brothers. Dan and Jordan wouldn't know what to do without him.   
Spencer and Joe had just turned fifteen, freshman in high school, and gaining new friends here and there. Joe didn't let his envy of his brother get to him, how he wished to be uplifting and all smiles. People liked him the way he was, his friends, brothers, and parents. And Spencer learned how to be a little tougher, a little stronger emotional wise. He didn't let the bad things get to him, and Joe was proud to see his brother taking care of himself in that way.   
James and Aleks were now official teenagers, both the age of thirteen. But, as they may have gotten older, they were still the same twelve year olds at heart. James rarely got into trouble anymore, he learned how to accept those around him for differences of all sorts. But, James didn't see them as different, they were all one of the same.  
And Aleks became braver, not by a little, but by much. He was able to free himself from his comfort zone and push away his shy past. And his past altogether. He didn't cry anymore from the nightmares, and the bad dreams came less and less. He was believing more in himself than ever before, and it was heartwarming to see such a change.  
Yet, as much as Jordan was happy to know Aleks was letting go of Sherman Marchant, it didn't stop him from singing him to sleep every now and again. He missed doing it, and Aleks missed hearing it.  
Dex and Kevin became two peas in a pod, two eleven year olds who were almost inseparable. Aside their differences, they made a very close bond that no one could ever break. Kevin no longer needed a nightlight, his fear of the dark completely gone with the help of his brother. Dex explained, to the best of his ability, that there are no monsters in the dark, only his imagination. What happened to his mom was terrible, but good things can spark from those of bad.  
Liz passed and along came Jordan. The monsters lurked, but Kevin learned that they would leave him alone. Because they weren't really there.  
The boys had all changed, and thing were changing once again. Not for the boys, but for Dan this time. He sighed easily, it wasn't a change of personality. It wasn't a fear triumphed or a valued moral to carry about. It was a different type of change, one Dan looked forward to with slight anxiety. It was a change in state, how he had risen from one to the next.  
He was reaching the highest one, past 'boyfriend' and 'fiance'.  
He would be 'husband'.  
And when the clock ticked the specific time, he would be that so soon.  
•••  
Jordan paced back and forth, looking down at his watch as he felt mixed emotions. He trembled, but smiled. He sweat, but felt goosebumps. He breathed evenly, then choppily the next. He wanted to run his fingers through his hair, but he didn't want to risk messing it up.  
So soon before...he walked down that aisle.  
He stared down at that engagement ring on his finger, the titanium band bringing a tear to his eye as he grinned at the three encrusted diamonds within. He concentrated on the shine as it eased his nerves, remembering who gave it to him, when, and why. Dan had bought one behind his back with the extra money from his videogame, it was a surprise Jordan wasn't even expecting.  
He kept it hidden from the blue eyes of the other man, waiting for the perfect time to reveal it. And that perfect time came, it all fit together as a tricky puzzle. They were downstairs, watching a movie with their sons, or about half of them since most had fallen asleep due to the hour. Jordan was in Dan's arms, his head resting against his chest, arms around his waist.  
Dan always kept the case in his pocket, not knowing when the time would be right. And as he looked up to the television screen, he found himself digging into that pocket. A wedding played on the screen, the bride and the groom meeting at the alter. He looked down at Jordan's face, he smiled at the scene, but his eyes read partial sadness.   
He had had a wedding once, too. And to look back upon it now was heartbreaking.  
"You know, that's going to be us one day." Dan whispered, being mindful of the sleeping kids on the other side of the couch. He heard Jordan giggle at that, his eyes locking with ones of brown.  
"Dress and all?" Jordan joked, Dan laughing a little as he fell in love again with Jordan's smile.  
"Only if you'll say yes." Dan told him as he pulled out the ring, Jordan's world seeming to stand still. He gazed at the ring in the lack of light, it was as beautiful as ever. He felt blue tears fall from his bluer eyes, realizing what was going on around him. Dan was asking him to marry him, he wanted to spend the rest of life with him. Jordan meant so much to him, he wanted this life of theirs to never fade. Throughout all they've been through, stress or not, Dan still wanted Jordan to wear that ring.  
"Of course I will..."  
He still remembered it scene by scene, word for word to this day.  
His thoughts were startled by the sound of light laughter, a sound to only come from children. He made his way over to the source, trying to shake off any jitters before the moment they all have been waiting for. He found himself walking towards the food buffet, the room where the after party was to take place. And on any other day, he would have been pretty flustered, but today he only laughed at what he saw.  
Aleks, James, Kevin, and Dex were sneaking bits of food from the table, small shrimp that would go unnoticed, tomatoes from the salad, they better not have swiped any icing from the cake. As they heard their father enter, they froze, Kevin mid-chewing as he swallowed as quickly as he could. "We were hungry. Please don't be mad." James tried to compromise with his father, a bit of sauce in the corner of his mouth. "You look beautiful." He added, making Jordan chuckle.  
"I promise not to get mad if you clean up, and get to your seats, the wedding is in a few minutes." Jordan explained, kneeling down and cleaning up James' face with a napkin before wiping something away on Kevin's. "And thank you James." He accepted the compliment, James laughing hard as Jordan helped Dex fix his tie.   
"Wait, dad, when you and dad get married, does that mean we're going to change our last name?" Dex wondered, stepping back after his father had finished.   
Jordan hadn't really thought about that, the topic slipping his and Dan's minds when planning the wedding. Yet, as he thought on, he found himself agreeing as he nodded his head. "I...I think we might." He told him, fixing his son's hair.  
"Dexter Gidlow." Dex rolled the name off his tongue. "I like it." He snickered as Jordan simply smiled, giving his son a kiss on the cheek.  
"Alright, come on you guys, Seamus, Spencer, and Joe are probably wondering where the heck you guys ran off to." Jordan told them, a light chortle with his words.  
"They think we're in the bathroom, actually." Kevin spoke up, the four boys laughing at that. "Bye dad, and good luck. Don't fall, that'd be embarrassing." Kevin rambled, giving his father a hug before following James and Dex out the door and towards the wedding set up. But, before Aleks had a chance to follow, Jordan stopped him in order to talk.  
"Hey, uh, Aleks. I have something to ask you." Jordan informed him, Aleks standing in front of his father with a smile on his face as he listened. "Well, uh, I kind of know what it's like to grow up without a father figure." Jordan began, speaking of Aleks' childhood before the Mathewson's. "My father and I...we didn't really get along. And that's hard to deal with on a regular basis, and right now at an event such as a wedding."   
Aleks didn't speak a word to interrupt his father, but his eyes read comprehension. "Usually, with a typical wedding, it's the father who walks the bride down the aisle and gives her away." Jordan went on, Aleks smiling lightly. "And seeing as...I don't have a father to do that for me...since you seem to understand what I'm going through, Aleks...would you like to give me away at the wedding?" Jordan asked, a matching smile on both of their faces, Aleks' indicating his answer.  
"Yes, daddy!" He accepted, hugging his father the closest he could. "I'll make sure you don't fall." Aleks joked, giving his father a kiss on the cheek as he chuckled, feeling himself tear up.  
But, he had no time for that, as Jordan and Aleks let go, he heard the chime from the clock that let him know it was time.  
Time to marry Dan.  
"Come on, buddy. We got to go." Jordan told his son, standing up and taking the thirteen year old by the hand. They made their way in front of the doors to the other room, Jordan standing on the left, Aleks on the right as he smiled broadly. Jordan let go of another breath, knowing that those doors would open at any second. "This is it." He whispered to himself, getting himself prepared for what was laying straight ahead.  
The music began to play, it was a song Dan and Jordan both agreed on. It wasn't a traditional wedding song, but neither cared about that. This song had meaning to them. Mainly because it was a song they had sung to Aleks many times in the past. Aleks beamed brighter, knowing that, as the words met his ears from the other side of the door.  
"Taking over this town  
They should worry  
But these problems aside I  
Think I taught you...well."   
The doors slowly opened, Aleks giving his father's hand a squeeze to let him know that he wasn't alone.   
"That we won't run   
And we won't run  
And we won't run..."  
Jordan took the first step, Aleks' smaller legs walking beside him.  
"Howling ghosts they reappear   
And mountains that are stacked with fear  
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart..."  
His heart pounded with each step, all eyes on them. But, they weren't judgmental, snide, or taunting stares and glares. They were comforting, accepting, loving. From friends, family close and far. Parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, sons. Their sons that smiled when they entered, Seamus' being the brightest.  
The smile of his, and all of theirs filled his heart with courage, that dreaded fear rolling off of his shoulder.   
He took another step. And another towards the end of that aisle.  
"And in the sea that's painted black  
Creatures lurk below the deck  
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart..."  
And that's when they met eyes for the first time, the boys keeping the two away from each other due to the bad luck myth. Dan looked absolutely handsome, his chubby face and sweet smile melting Jordan's heart. The way he had his hair styled, how his suit fit him perfectly, how his brown eyes seemed to shine from the lights above.   
And Jordan looked just as amazing as he found Dan.  
Seeing Aleks by his side was the cutest thing Dan had seen, even more as how Aleks was mouthing along with the words to the song. And Jordan just took his breath away. Although his tie was black like his, it still somehow managed to bring out the blue in his eyes. He was undeniably blushing, the pink in his cheeks far from unnoticed. And his mesmerizing smile topped it all off.  
They both looked at each other with that same gratifying connection like they did in that bar almost two years ago.  
"And as the world comes to an end  
I'll be here to hold your hand  
Cause you're my king and I'm your lionheart..."  
With just a few more steps, Jordan had reached the end of the aisle, the song slowly fading out as planned. Jordan then kneeled down to Aleks, his smile seeming permanent. Aleks giggled a little as he kissed his father on the cheek, a few 'aw's' being heard from the crowd, one from Dan himself. Aleks laughed nervously as he sent his father another smile before heading off to take his seat with his brothers.  
Jordan sighed happily as he stood back up, taking his place in front of Dan as the two just stared into one another's eyes. They couldn't even look away, not like they wanted to. "Hi." Dan whispered, his eyebrows raised innocently as he grinned at his soon to become husband.  
"Hey." Jordan replied as he bit his bottom lip. "You look great." He complimented the other just as the justice of the peace began to speak to the audience.  
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today..."  
The words seemed to drift off as well as the rest of the world, it just being the two of them trying hard not to kiss each other right then. This was it, their future that they spoke of, dreamt of, and fell in love with was happening right now. They were getting married, it was an amazing feeling realizing that. It was like butterflies in their stomachs, but bravery in their hearts. Worried thoughts in their heads, but determination in their smiles.  
And as much as they wanted this moment to last, they just wanted to get on with it.  
And with time, it did.  
"I believe you two have written some words for each other?" The justice rhetorically asked as a notion for the vows to be spoken. Dan and Jordan turned towards each other, they had agreed beforehand that Jordan would speak first, then Dan.  
"Dan," Jordan started, seeing Dan's cheeks glow pink, "from the second I laid eyes on you, I knew you were perfect. You think you have all of these flaws, and some people may think you do, too. But, you don't have the slightest trace of one in my eyes. You're successful, you're smart, you're sensitive. You have an amazing family, four boys you raised yourself, and three you welcomed with open arms. And...you welcomed me with open arms. You told me whenever I needed your help, to let you know. And let me tell you, I cannot be happier for that phone call I made that night. Ever since then, even when things weren't at their best, I've always had you to come back to, the kids to come back to. And you've never failed to pick me up. Make me laugh, make me smile. And...make me realize that you guys are all I ever wanted. Dan, I'm marrying you today to prove that, that those kids mean the world to me, and that I could never love anyone as much as I love you."  
He pulled the ring out of his suit pocket and slid it onto Dan's finger with ease.  
"Jordan," Dan spoke, a bit worried with fumbling over his words as he always did, "I've always looked up to you in a way, finding you to be one of the best parents out there. I know you love this family with all your heart, I can see it in your eyes. You may not think you're the best as I say, you might recollect all the times you stumbled, messed up, accidentally called Seamus 'Aleks' or Dex 'James'." There was a small ripple of laughter at that, Jordan giggling as well. "But, seeing you do that makes me see you as a perfect father. Because perfect doesn't need to mean everything is orderly, neat, normal, and organized. Perfect can simply mean that you're just trying, and seeing you try, and care for them, make them breakfast, sing them to sleep, deal with hours of cartoons on the tv screen. It's beautiful. It makes me glad to have you as the father of our children. And it also gives me hope. Because you're a sensational father, and I know that you're going to be that great of a husband."  
He took Jordan's hand in his, sliding the band on his ring finger delicately.  
"By the power vested in me, by the state of Colorado," The justice recited, "I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the groom."   
They both smiled boldly, easing the knots in their stomachs as they slowly leaned forward.   
And as their lips met, they welcomed their new future.


End file.
